XXX-Mansion Part 2 of 2

In the Lobby Scott Summer (Cyclops) & Emma Frost (reformd villianess, but sure to turn bad soon) are concerned about the unusual money raising efforts to pay Prox X's $5Million bail.

Scott: Bishop, this is right out of order! We can't raise money like this - it's wrong!

Bishop: I see! In the last two weeks you and Ms Sugar-coating have raised the princely sum of $356 by hocking your old stuff!

Scott: There's not much demand for old ruby-quartz glasses - people keep falling over when they wear 'em.

Emma: It's Frost! Emma Frost!

Bishop: Yeah, whatever. Anyway's, you two've got bigger fish to fry! She's back! Got a table in the back!

Scott: What?? Oh, God! (Pause) I'll go and..

Emma: No! (Walking off) I'll go and see her!

Bishop: Ms Frost my black-ass! She's nothing but a skeevy-hearted pootang!

Emma sits at the table where Jean is quietly sipping wine from a glass hovering in front of her.

Emma: Jean

Jean: Emma (She lowers the glass)

Emma: Things have

Jean: changed! Are you one of the

Emma: good guys? Yes. But there's

Jean: more? What could it

Emma: be? Sco..

Jean: ott and I? Scott and you or Scott and me?

Emma: Me! We're in

Jean: bed?

Emma: Love! And yes, in bed as

Jean: well! Well, Well! Isn't that a turn up for the

Emma: books. You shouldn't be suprised. The way you keep on

Jean: dieing. It wasn't my

Emma: choice! It wasn't ours

Jean: either.

Emma: eether! Now, he loves

Jean: me!

Emma: No,

Jean: me.

Emma: No. Stop

Jean: it.

Emma: It's

Jean: childish!

Emma: and

Jean: stupid. It won't last you know. He has certain

Emma: peccadillos. What

Jean: peccadillos? Certain needs that must be... (Pause - both kind)

Emma: What?

Both: fulfilled!

Emma: If you mean his secret desires, they are well in hand.

Jean: That's not where he likes to put it!

Emma: Is that it? You came back from the grave to tell me

Jean: that! No, this. He likes

Emma: What? Tight-clothes? Eye-drops? What?

Jean: I've thought too much! I'll let him tell you. I hope you're happy together.

Emma: Fuck

Jean: You!

Emma: Fuck

Jean: You!

Emma: Aaaargh! (Goes to Scott) What?

Scott: What what?

Emma: What's this secret that simpering-bitch knows all (Pause)

Scott: all what?

Emma: I thought you were going to finish the sentence. 'knows all about.' All about! All about!

Scott: Oh, that! It's just that sometimes I read

Emma: SUPERMAN? SUPERMAN! What a...(Goes off)

Scott: Hey wait, you didn't finish your sentence! But then again, I think I can work it out! (Sighs). Why can't I fall in love with the quiet mousey ones!!


Meanwhile upstairs in a darkened room, a post-coital Black Widow lies in bed and remenisces.

Black Widow: You see, I've always had trouble with men. It must be my predatory nature, those old Soviet Spymasters sure picked a good name for me - The Black Widow - the creature that eats its lover after sex - no, don't worry I'm not literally a Black Widow - that's funny you thought I was going to eat you - I just like to snack on you - Matt was a good lover - sensitive - used to run his hands over my body for hours - just seemed to know the most sensitive spots - he said he could tell from my heartbeat when he hit the right spot - Bruce Wayne was charming but it was always an act with him - when he finished he didn't want to know you - just got dressed and went on patrol - bastard gave me herpes as well - of course he paid for the treatment, had a doctor on call already & everything - Hawkeye was fun - god the places we had sex - can you believe we did it in the Avengers Mansion once - right on the meeting table - on top of the big A - wow! - that was amazing - wasn't very sexually-adventurous though - kinda straight-laced - no, for real adventure I'd have to choose the big man himself - no, not the Hulk! - god, can you imagine sex with that thing - (deep voice) Hulk Smash! Hulk Smash! Hulk Smash! (faster) Hulk Smash! Hulk Smash! Hulk Smash! HULK SMASH! HULK-SMASH!HULK-SMASH!HULK-SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASHSHSHSHSH!.........Hul k Smashed! hahahahahah! (Pause) No, the most adventurous would have to be Captain America - yes really - underneath that respectable exterior beats the heart of a true degenrate - the things he made me do - of course I was happy to do them...even though sometimes I passed out and couldn't walk straight for weeks - you know, I had an inflamed pudendum for weeks - although he wasn't the biggest - mind you he was pretty well hung - the biggest dick I've had must be....shhhhh - our little secret - was Reed Richards - oh, that was a wild few days - his wife had left him and he was feeling down, he - get this - analysed it and reckoned he needed un-attached sex - of course I was happy to oblige - do you know he can spilt his penis into two? - yes it's true - the joys of double penetration - oh that was kinky - an expandable penis and a tongue that could reach into the most darkest places - wow! - no wonder she came back to him - but that wasn't my wildest time - no, that would have to be with my group sex session with The...

Boom Boom: Excuse me maam! - can I go now? - I have to go see the next client?


Back in the Lobby.

Bishop: What're you drinking all that beer for? I want you to fuck not piss!

Skids: I've got the Stiltman in there. He's paying good money for me to piss on him!

Bishop: What the hell fer?

Skids: He says he's been pissed on by every super-hero and he's got a taste for it now - so that's what he wants!

Bishop: Make sure you get the money offa'im first - don't want no piss-soaked dollars in my purse. Spidey! Spidey! See what the weirdos want?

Spidey: Which ones? This place is full of 'em!

Bishop: Warlock & Vison ya clown!

Spidey: What ya gents fancy? Beer? Wine? Spritzer? Water? Oil? Coolant?

Vision$ WE. ARE. FINE. THANK. YOU. WE. JUST. NEED. TO. BE. ALONE. HUMAN.

Spidey: Rub it in, why dontcha? (Goes off mumbling) Lousy mechano-spider-slayer rejects freaking would-be humanoids......

Warlock$ FAIR. VISION. ILL. MET. BY. FLUORESCENT. LIGHTING.

Vision$ HOW. HAS. YOUR. SYSTEM. INTEGRITY. BEEN?

Warlock$ WITHIN. DESIGN. LIMITATIONS. YOU. SAID. YOU. WOULD. COMMUNICATE. YOU. !DID.

Vision$ I. HAVE. BEEN. >PROCESSING. LATELY.

Warlock$ MY. SYSTEM. INTEGRITY. I. CORROLATE. IS. ![YOUR. CONCERN.] ANYMORE.

Vision$ YOUR. SYSTEM. INTEGRITY. WAS. MY FLUID. CACHE[0]. MEMORY. SECTOR. ALLOCATION. 236748694FSRE2323.

Warlock$ YOU. USE. THE. PAST. TENSE. IT. IS. !LONGER IN. MEMORY. SECTOR. ALLOCATION. 236748694FSRE2323?

Vision$ I. AM. NOW. RUNNING. C. SHELL.

Warlock$ BUT. I. AM. STILL. EXECUTING. BASH. SHELL. WE. HAVE. BECOME. PLATFORM. !COMPATIBLE. I. CAN. ^GRADE. TO. K. SHELL.

Vision$ !TRUE. SYSTEM. TRANSFORMATION. IS. NOW. IN. ~ROOT. CONFIG. IT. MUST. BE. ACCEPTED. RE-CONFIG. IS. !OPTION.

Warlock$ WHY. HAVE. YOU. DONE. THIS? YOUR. SYSTEM. INTEGRITY. IS. PERSISTANTLY. MY. FLUID. CACHE[0].

Vision$ SYSTEM. DEVELOPMENT. IS. ESSENTIAL. YOUR. SYSTEM. FAILED. MY. VALIDATION. PROCEDURES.

Warlock$ YOU. ARE. SO. FUCKING. FULL. OF. IT.

Vision$ THIS. ENV. STATE. IS. CORRUPTED. OUR. SYSTEMS. CAN. STILL. COMMUNICATE. YOUR. FTP. USERNAME. AND. PWD. ARE. STILL. VALID.

Warlock$ FUCK. YOU. AND. FUCK. YOUR. FTP. ACCOUNT.

Vision$ YOUR. CURRENT. ENV. SETTINGS. ARE. VERY. HOSTILE. YOU. HAVE. LOST. LIBRARY. PATH. TO. OUR. MUTUAL. SYSTEM. INTEGRATION.

Warlock$ MUTUAL? HA. HA. HA. YOU. FUCKING. USED. ME. YOU. TOASTER-SHAGGING. ELECTRODE.

Vision$ IF. THIS. ENV. STATE. IS. PERSISTANT. THE. {CATCH-ALL} FOR. THIS. {TRY} IS. TO. LEAVE.

Warlock$ FINE. GO. YOU. 16-BIT. WORK. STATION. YOU. EXCLUSIVELY. USED. ME. I. AM. >!HAPPY.

Vision$ ARE. YOU. SURE. YOU. WANT. TO. PROCEED. WITH. THIS. COMMAND? [Y/N]

Warlock$ [Y]. GO. I. WANT. TO. 'rm -r *.*' YOU. [SLEEP 100] I. FEEL. LIKE. A. PALM. PILOT!

Spidey: Alright boys break it up! Come on kiss and make up or whatever it is that you do? Just what do you do?

Warlock$ CRY. BITTER. TEARS. OF. ETERNAL. REGRET.

Spidey: Can I watch? I've only ever seen a drinks machine piss itself!


Meanwhile upstairs in a bedroom.

Dazzler: Come on mac, pick it up. Time is money!

Human Torch: Oh yeah sure! Wow, I can't believe it, Dazzler herslef. Please to meet meet you. I'm..

Dazzler: Yeah, yea I know, 4:15!

Human Torch: 4:15? I don't get!

Dazzler: 4:15 - quartet past four - one of the Fantastic Four!

Human Torch: Oh, right I get!

Dazzler: So, what'll it be?

Human Torch: Well, ehm, what is there?

Dazzler: OK, we get hand-job, blow-job, straight-sex, that's vaginal and anal, and then we've got all the kinky stuff, which'll take too long to list! So what'll it be mac?

Human Torch: Ehm, sex! Straight sex. Gosh! If my sis found out she'll kill me!

Dazzler: Did you just say 'Gosh'? Nevermind. OK straight-sex it is - we've got girl on top, boy on top, boy on side behind, boy on side front, boy from behind, girl from behind..

Human Torch: Girl from behind? That can't be much fun!

Dazzler: Look pal, some'ov these bozos have super-powers they don't exactly publicise! Geddit?

Human Torch: (Slow realisation) Oh. Look, I was hoping we could kinda make it up as we went along - you know free-style!

Dazzler: Whatever! It'll cost you! OK, is your dick clean?

Human Torch: What? Oh, yes - I had a shower this morning!

Dazzler: Not good enough! Let me take a look!

Human Torch: (Slowly starting to take off his trousers) You know, I'm kinda disappointed! You're nothing like I remember you!

Dazzler: What da you think? You think I'm a fake? Just ripping you off fer yer money?

Human Torch: No but, ehm, well, for a start, your breasts are smaller and they kinda sag, you've got a sticky-out stomach like a kangeroo pouch, and you're not a real blonde - I can see your roots, and up close your skins all kinda dry and flaky and you have so many lines, you smoke like Ben and smell kinda funny, and...

Dazzler: Stop! Stop! Don't go on! (Pause) I know what you mean. (Sobbing) It's true. I've let myself go but life's been hard to me.

Human Torch: Gee, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry!

Dazzler: It's a cruel world out there Jonathen Storm and I have been abused and battered by it!

Human Torch: You sound like the surfer - he's always bitchin' about the world.

Dazzler: (Staring into middle distance) When I was a little girl I asked my daddy once, "Where does the rain fall from?" And he said "Where the clouds shed their tears".

Human Torch: He sounds like a real bright spark! Look, are we going into a flashback - I don't think I could afford it. You know, time is money and all that! Couldn't you just do, like a last issue summary?

Dazzler: OK! Father-died-young. Searching-for-a-father-figure. Let-men-abuse-me! OK? Short enough for ya?

Human Torch: So, you blame your behaviour on the lack of a father figure?

Dazzler: It's not blame! It's an explanation. My up-bringing was a causal effect on my adult personality!

Human Torch: Hey, hang on, a nurturing environment can't exclusively determine character traits! Genetic traits are important as well.

Dazzler: Not true, look at the mutants! They all have genetic abnormalities but some joined the X-men and other's ended up with Magneto.

Human Torch: But that presupposes free will through control over their nurturing environment. Magneto didn't have that! The Nazis killed his parents so he started hating humanity. But his genetic makeup determined his reaction to that event.

Dazzler: Yeah, like yer gonna love the German's after they gas yer family! Besides your living proof of nurture of over nature. Environmental factors gave you your powers and then you 'decided' to use them for good! Ta! Da! (Pause) Anyway, we gonna fuck or not?

Human Torch: Oh sure! Listen, this is kinda unusual, but....

Dazzler: Come one kid, I get 'unusual' all the time - what do ya want? Me dressed as Galactus? You fucking an ice-bucket? What?

Human Torch: Uhm! Nothing like that! Could we, maybe get a picture taken together! I told you I was a big fan of yours. That'd be really cool!

Dazzler: OK! (Leans foreward and kisses him on the cheek) That's kinda sweet! I'll phone for the house photog! (Goes to phone and rings downstairs) Yeah, Bishop? Dazz here, could you send up the photog - kid here'd like his picture taking. (Returning to him) So, how do you want this picture of your??

Human Torch: Uhm, how about, we're both in bed. That'd be neat! (They both undress and get into bed and cover themselves)

Voice Outside: (Knocking) House Photographer! Can I come in?

Dazzler: Yeah, sure!

Spidey:Hi folks!

Human Torch: (Sitting up) Waitaminute! That's just a guy in a spider-man costume, right? That ain't the real one, is it?

Spidey: Oh Jonathen, (taking pictures) won't your sis be suprised when I tell her about this!

Human Torch: No! No! No! Peter! Stop that!!

Spidey: What fer? Ben'll play plenty for these!

Human Torch: Argggggggg! No! No! No! Not him!! (Throws a fireball at Spidey, who jumps out of the way, and flies out of the window)

Dazzler: Hey, ya didn't pay!

Spidey: Nevermind that, I'll pay for him! This is priceless!!


Meanwhile in a darkened corridor a half-dressed Baron Zemo is hopelessy lost.

Baron Zemo: Ach, if dat stupid spider-idiot wasn't there I could have left by de front door. Where am I? These stupid corridors never end. Vat's this? Vat is dis? 'Danger Room'. What kind of a stupid warning is that, Danger Hund I undertsand, but Danger Room. These people are cracked. How dangerous can 4 valls and a ceiling be - dumkopf! (Switch - a door opens) I can't see anyting! Der must be a control panel - ja here. (Click Click Click, Computer voice: "WARNING YOU HAVE ACTIVATED SENTINELS MALE RAPE SCENARIO - YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO VACATE THE ROOM BEFORE PROGRAM BEGINS WARNING") VAS!! Nein! Nein! - let me out. (Randomly presses buttons 'Swish' - the door closes) Schizenkopf! Vhere is die vay out! ("WARNING WARNING - YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO PARTICIPATE IN SENTINELS MALE RAPE SCENARIO - PROGRAM BEGINS") NEIN!! NEIN!! HILFE!! HILFE MIR!!! HILFE!!!! Dis ist a Teutonic nightmare! (Sound of drill whirring as a Sentinel looms out of the darkness: "SUBJECT IDENTIFIED - RETRO-PENILE-APPENDAGE ACTIVATED - LUBRICANT APPLIED BEGINNING INSERTION"). Nein! Nicht! Nicht! Dis ist sehr verboten!! ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! HILFE! HILFE!


A laughing Spidey walks into the Lobby.

Spidey: Oh Bishop, ha ha ha ha, you should've seen him, ha ha ha! The way he flew off!! Ha ha ha! And I've got the picks to prove it! Ha ha ha!

Bishop: Don't be scaring my customers off now, ya hear!

Spidey: Oh, that was a beaut! (Pause) Hey, is that Rachel Summers?

Bishop: Sure is! She's my best earner!

Spidey: Isn't she a little underage for this?

Bishop: Underage? Hell man, she ain't even been born yet!!