XXX-Mansion Part 1 of 2

In a room upstairs - Kitty Pryde is 'French Polishing' some antique Yankee furniture.


Kitty Pryde: Come on, get on with it! We've been at this for hours. I've got an arm like Popeye!

Electro: It's just not happening, I don't know why?

Kitty Pryde: Come on, you're to be supposed shooting your rocks off not watching Barney!

Electro: ......barney...you know Barney??

Kitty Pryde: Yeah, sure. Why?

Electro: If you could sing the song...it'd be kinda helpful.

Kitty Pryde: OK, whatever! (Sings)I love you

Electro: Oh yes!

Kitty Pryde: You love me

Electro: Oh, I do!

Kitty Pryde: We're a happy family

Electro: Yes we are, oh yes we are!

Kitty Pryde: With a great big hug and,

Electro: Yeah, a great big hug, oh, yeah!

Kitty Pryde: A kiss from me to you

Electro: Yeah, give me that kiss, huhhh!

Kitty Pryde: Won't you say

Electro: I will I will!!

Kitty Pryde: you love me too?

Electro: Yes I love you! Yes! YES, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! YESSSSSS I LOVE YOUUUUUUU!

Kitty Pryde: (Electro discharges) Oww! That hurts!!

Electro: Oh, boy. wow!


Downstais in the Lobby, the New Mutants confront the man in charge.

Sunspot: Mr Bishop, how long do we haveta do this?

Magma: It's creepy sleeping with all these weirdos!

Boom Boom: I can't walk straight!

Karma: That man peed on me!

Bishop: Now come on folks, lighten up. You know this is for a good cause. You love your Professor, don't you?

Karma: Is he gonna pee on me too?

Bishop: Cut that out - you know he ain't like that! He loves you, look at how he rescued you from persecution and bigotry...

Guthrie: ...and put us in a whorehouse!

Bishop: I heard that Guthrie, there's no need to be snippy just coz you've got no trade! Come on now, we all agree the Prof's one of the good guys don't we?

ALL: (Muted mutants) Yes.

Bishop: That's right - so now when he needs our help, are we going to turn away? No! We have to pull together...

Kitty Pryde: My hand hurts!

Bishop: and raise that $5 Million bail. Face it folks the X-men are broke, we ain't got nothin! This is the only way to raise that cash as quick as possible.

Sunspot: Why can't we leave him there? He'll get out soon enough!

Bishop: I'm ashamed of you for that! Think about it - Prof X is some brother's fiiiiinest bitch right now - he'll really need that wheelchair when those brothers are done - we've gotta get him out. Yeah?? We's got to help him out.

Jubilee: But I only wanted to have sex with the man I marry! It's not right!

Bishop: Don't go all fundemental on me! All that moralising, you wanna be moral-slaves?? Doin what some up-tight Texas preachers wants you to do? Eh? And they're all hypocrites, he's probably screwing buffaloos on the side! Don't be no slave, brothers' been there, ain't good. Be free to choice. To choose to help the Prof!
Come on now, we're nearly there! Besides, this is gonna count towards a half-credit for your Sex Ed module! Anyway, you'll be soon done. Now get back to work! And you Guthrie, if you want some Johns try putting on some lipstick!


Meanwhile in a room upstairs Captain America is with another New Mutant.

Cap: Now young lady, before we , ehm indulge, in certain matters - just need you to read this with me. Here you go!

New Mutant: What? This is the marriage ceremony! I don't wanna marry you - we're just supposed to fuck! I don't know, I'll have to ask Mr Bishop about this!

Cap: Ehm, there no need for that! Just read the words, and then we can get on!

New Mutant: But I don't wanna marry you - your old enough to be my father!

Cap: Technically it's your grandfather - super-serum you see! - but we wouldn't be really married because, neither of us are ordained ministers of a church. (Turns to camera, well, yes I know there isn't one, but he would turn that way if there was one, stop being picky, ya little creep, God some people!!) "Little does he realise that as a Captain, I can legally perform this ceremony.".

New Mutant: Who you talking to?

Cap: (Turning back from his previous vantage point, which we now see, satisfied clever clogs, was away from the other person) No one, No one. Well, what do you say?

New Mutant: Do I have to go and live withya? Do I have to change my name? It's a lotta hassle for just some sex!

Cap: No, no, no, no! No, you don't! We'll never see each other again! and you don't have to change your name! Some married people pray for that kind of arrangement!

New Mutant: But Cap,...........homosexual marriage isn't recognised in New York state!!

Cap: You're a boy?? With that curly long hair??

Sunspot: Yeah, kinda long ain't it - I'm Sunspot - pleased to meet you!

Cap: A BOY!!

Sunspot: Yeah - like I said - Sunspot!

Cap: Ahm, terrible mistake - I thought - uhm...doesn't matter - have to go - ah, is that the Avengers Signal -

Sunspot: I don't hear nothun!

Cap: Ah, super-hearing - must go - dreadful mistake - top secret government agent - you can't say anything about this to anyone - Federal Offence. good bye!

Sunspot: Heyyy, you din't pay! And you left your camera behind! (Uhm, my mistake - seems like there was a camera there afterall! Stop gloating you cockroach or I'll come round and piss on your Superman collection.)


Back downstairs in the Lobby, trade is picking up - the high rollers have arrived.

Bishop: (Uatu walks in) I know, I know, you've just come to watch! Upstairs!

Eternity: I must be one with the Universe!

Bishop: You wanna sleep with the Universe?? Get real dude! Why don't you make a start with her, take your time!

Spidey: Hey, Bishop! Can I go now?

Bishop: Oh, come on Spidey - don't you quit on me now - you're the best barkeeper I've ever had. The way you just web those glasses off the table and you never drop a tray - just seems to stick to ya - you're the best!

Spidey: Quit blowing smoke up my ass - I've done 3 hours to make up for what I had - which wasn't very much. All I did was just look at Dazzler!

Bishop: Yes - but you got a real boner offa it - teach ya to wear skin-tight stuff, if ya had a cape ya could've hid it, Supes does it all the time. You viewed the goodies, now you've got's to pay for it.

Spidey: Yeah - but I've been here fer ages - can't I go now? All my super-villians must be running riot in New York by now.

Bishop: Don't worry about that - most of 'em are upstairs. Listen buddy! (Putting arm around him) I need you, I can't run this place and keep order as well. Most of these muthers are scared shitless of you, that's why we've got a sweet operation. And the way you can sense trouble before it starts, amazing!(Spidey shakes head) OK! OK! How about I give 5% of the house net for the night? Eh, that sound good?

Spidey: No, no. (Pause) How about 7.5% of the gross? Then I'll stick around!

Bishop: OK, OK - you're a bitching deal-maker but I's got respect fer ya - now get over there and keep the dogs quiet!

Spider-man goes into the bar where Wolverine and Lobo are well into a staring competition & getting verbally aggressive.

Lobo:you talkin to me? you talkin to me?

Wolverine: yeah, I'm talking to you!

Lobo:you talkin to me? you talkin to me?

Wolverine: yeah, I'm talking to you!

Lobo:you talkin to me? you talkin to me?

Wolverine: Yes - I'm talkin to you!

Lobo:me? me? Are YOU talking to ME??

Wolverine: yeah, I'M talking to YOU!

Lobo:Me? Me? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME??

Wolverine: yea, I'm fucking talking to you - what're you thick or something? Can't you hear, ya fucking mutt??

Lobo:you talkin to me? you really really talkin to me?

Wolverine: yeah, I'm really really talkin to you!

Lobo:YOU ARE talkin to ME? YOU ARE talkin to ME?

Wolverine: fer crying out loud, yeah, I'm fucking talking to you!

Lobo:YOU! YOU! ARE! TALKIN! TO! ME!? YOU! TALKIN! TO! ME!?

Wolverine: yeah, I'm talking to you!

Lobo:you? talkin? to? me? you? talkin? to? me?

Wolverine: aww, fer fuck's sake, can't you get it, YES - I'M TALKIN TO YOU!

Spidey: tch! - man, I see the intellectuals are out in force tonight!!


Back in the Lobby.

Wolfsbane: He doesn't want me - says my feet are too small! Too small??

Bishop: What? Does he want ya fer sex or to press grapes! God! What a fucking perv! What a minute, I got an idea! Hey, Frodo, come here!

Wolfsbane: Wonder if I can get silicone implants for 'em??

Frodo: (staggering) what? where am i?...have to... mount doom..

Bishop: You can screw the good Doctor later. Hmm, they look like bigguns - get in there and let that man lick your feet!

Frodo: But the ring, the ring!

Bishop: You can ask him - but I don't think he'll lick it!!

Meanwhile upstairs, Baron Zemo is having sex with Danielle Moonstar whilst the Sandman, sits smoking, waiting his turn.

Baron Zemo: (Strong German accent) so I sez to him, get back or I'll shoot the girl. Then he makes diz smarty-pants comment which I don't get - something about 'have you come to rob the bank or screw around' - vat the hell does that I mean, I ask you - then he vebs up my face! Please to fuck faster - danke schon, so I say - you'll pay for that! And he says 'can I put it on my card?' What card? vat is he on about? - please to be squeezing my nipples - danke - So I pick up this table and throw it at him - of course he doesn't have the courtesy to stand still, so I say - you have foiled - is that the write word? i think it is - you have foiled me for the last time veb-man - ja I know it's not his name - why you being so picky? - I was trying to be disparaging - don't you get it? - he didn't get it either, the comment went completely over his head, like the table - please to put a finger in my anus - danke schon - he just said 'yeah foiled up & ready for the oven, ya big turkey' - vat's his problem, can't he see I'm not a turkey - so I grabbed him by the throat - ja faster, faster -and I punch him and I punch him again and punch him again - ja ja faster schnell! schnell!- no more of his vise-cracks - I rip his arms off - ja ja schnell! - and I punch and punch and I - schnell schnell macht sie schnell!! - I PUNCH AND I PUNCH - JAAAAAAA! SCHNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLL! oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ach, das ist sehr gut!

Sandman: That's funny - coz he downstairs serving drinks!

Baron Zemo: Vas! Ach, die shizenkpoff!! - here's the money schwartze fraulein - must go - urgent appointment! Gutten nacht! Auf wiedersehn!

Moonstar: Man, what a bore - you ready?

Sandman: Sure, but wash your hands first!!

Moonstar: OK - but you wash out the grit outta ya foreskin! Last time you sandpapered my pussy!

END OF PART 1