FANTASTIC FREAKOUT!!

Present: Sue Richards - The Invisible Woman; Ben Grimm - The Thing; Johnny Storm - The Human Torch & Brian Beaver - Spider-man.


Sue: PHAART!!

Johnny: Ugh! Suzie!

Sue: Better out than in - that's what I say!

Brian: Uhm, (sniffing), don't wanna be personal or nothing but, I don't smell anything! How cum?

Johnny: That's my sis's little trick...

Sue: Don't you dare, Jonathen Storm!!

Johnny: Aw, come one sis - he's like family! Whenever she farts she catches it in an invisible bubble and drifts it up to the air conditioning!

Sue: Not always, tell-tale!

Johnny: Ughhhhh, what a stinker! You popped that one under my nose, you evil witch!

Ben: Here's the brewski's. Pepsi Max for the webslinger, Bud for Johnny, Speckled Hen for Suzie - god this things stinks - and a Miller Lite for me! What's happening?

Sue: Buuuurrrp! Excuse me! Thanks Ben, this one's dead. (She crushes the can with a force field and shoots it towards the bin, on the way Spidey webs it, swings it around and hits Ben on the head. Johnny starts laughing).

Ben: Hey!

Brian: Oh, bad shot Mrs Richards!

Sue: Hey, that wasn't me! And you Spider-man, can call me Sue, not Mrs Richards. You can't be formal with a woman after you've heard her fart! And keep it quiet - Reeds babysitting. He's still mad at you from last time, accusing him of card counting! As if my husband would do such a thing.

Johnny: So what are we playing? Stud poker ain't it?

Brian: Oh no. Not playing that again after last week. Caught Iron-man cheating, Hawkeye nearly killed him. Let's stick to Gin Rummy. And that you'll see is Gin Rummy - another one for me. That's 2 sets of Kings and 10's, 80 points and a 9-8-7 sequence for another 24 points making a total of 104. We still playing 10 cents a point?

Ben: Alright, alright, Malcom-in-the-Middle you ain't! We can count. Bad enough living with 1 genius, now he starts up, freaking super-powered number-cruncher. I make that 563 points for the insect!

Sue: Hah, Tony Stark cheating - that's rich!!!

Johnny: Damm, that queen never turned up! I was counting on it! Hah, the irony of Tony Stark, a billionaire, cheating at cards!! You get it?? Irony, Iron-man! Get it?

Ben: Yeah we get it - numbnuts. Now deal!

Sue: Ben, stop that, give me another beer - this one's already dead. (Ben throws a can at Sue, she catches it in a force field, pulls the tab off and gently lowers it to her lips to take a sip.) Now listen up, I went out on a date with Tony Stark once. We had a lovely time, until he made a rude suggestion. (Johnny deals and they resume palying cards) I wouldn't normally say it but....
(Silence as they all eye Sue) he wanted to, well,....... he said anal sex gave a woman multiple orgasms!

Johnny: I thought that was oral sex?

Ben: No wonder your ex-girlfriends can't get away far enough. One left the Galaxy and the other one's living on the moon.

Brian: Sue, what Tony Stark said...............is it true?

Sue: I still have one of those stink bombs floating around!

Brian: I withdraw the last question your honour! (Lays down his winning cards, they resume playing cards).

Sue: Anyway, as I was saying. I didn't do anything then but waited until he went to the bathroom and then I turned his penis and his hands invisible. He peed all over himself. Hahahahahaha. Came out looking like an idiot. (Boys laugh.)

Johnny: I heard someone was drawing up a 'certain' list at last weeks game. Is it true? Man, I can't believe you guys tried that. Who's idea was it?

Brian: Guilty as charged your honour! It's the Wasp spreading all these stories around, I bet it is. She's pissed off coz she didn't get onto it.

Johnny: I hear She-Hulk ain't pleased about being at number 8.

Ben: She-Hulkie at number 8 - oooooh - you guys are in a lotta trouble, she carries a grudge!

Brian: Like Hawkeye sez - ain't bad for a woman with a big ass!

Johnny: Hahaha!

Ben: He won't need a quiver if she catches him - those arrows'll be sticking outta his ass!

Sue: And did I happen to make it?

Brian: Well, I nominated you but Captain America wouldn't have it. Said you were too much like Doris Day!! (Lays down his winning cards again & they resume playing cards).

Sue: He did, did he? Well, do these look like Doris Days'??? (Pointing at her breats and making her top invisible for a second).

Johnny: Oh, plz sis - what're flashing Spidey fer?

Brian: Oh, boy - one of childhood dreams just came true. If the Green Goblin kills me tonight, I'll die a happy man.

Ben: Hahahaha, Suzie's a real trooper! Aw, cockroach-man, use the freaking coaster willya.

Brian: Jeez, not you too! Man, I had this all night from Cap last week! You guys should set up a Good Home Guide, you'd clean up now Martha Stewart's doin time. I wonder who's bitch she'll be in prison?

Sue: No-ones! She's just a professional bitch. Anyway, who'd wanna lick that dusty crack! Give me a another beer Ben - I've gotta big thirst tonight!

Brian: Wait-a-minute, I just thought of something - how the hell am I going to explain this this to my wife??

ALL: You're married!!!

Ben: You kept that quiet bub! (Ben lays down his winning hand & they resume palying cards).

Johnny: You didn't even tell me - your best friend!!

Brian: Uhm, sorry - didn't I mention it before.

Sue: No you did not! And we weren't even invited. Even after you'd been to our wedding. That's ssshoo rude.

Brian: Come on Sue, this was a normal wedding - no super-heroes, I couldn't invite anyone from 'work' - know what I mean!

Sue: Well, what's she like?

Brian: Well, uhm, kinda famous, with long hair, we've known each other for a long time and we're madly in love.

Johnny: You're married to Hulk Hogan?? Man, I thought you could do better for yourself! He's soooo old!

Brian: I'm not married to Hulk Hogan ya pilot-light - at least my wife's from this planet. You had to go off world! And a Skrull at that!

Sue: OK - that'sh enough. Take that back Shpider-man.

Brian: What fer? He started it. Like I'd marry a has-been like Hulk Hogan. Now The Rock, there's a guy going places - a webcrawler could do a lot worse!

Sue: Go on take it back? (As a forcefield pins Spidey in the chair and his clothes start to disappear from the neck down with an expanding invisibility field.) Go on? (Spidey's is naked down to the waist). Quick now, or we'll all be sheeing your meat & two veg! (Field creeps down further, showing a whisp of curly hair).

Brian: OK - I'm sorry I didn't mean it - I'm sure she looks cute..........with a paper bag over her head! (He lays down a winning hand & they resume playing cards.)

Sue: Schpider-man!

Johnny: Oh, don't worry on my account sis. That's the fun of having a changling for a wife. You get to sleep with all the stars from the Golden Age of Hollywood.

Ben: Yer kidding Torchy - right? Right? (Johnny smiles) Aw, man, what a lucky break - some guys always find the sweetcorn in the shitpile.

Brian: What? What did you say??? Why the hell would anyone want the sweetcorn from a shitpile. I don't get it.

Ben: It's the only thing in shit you can eat again. Reed told me!

Sue: He DID not - you made that up. Coshz you know my stupid little brother will be trying it all next week. Johnny! I don't want any funny-smelling schweetcorn in my fridge! Undershtand??

Johnny: Uh, duh! Like I'd fall for that! (Pause) Everyone knows it's spinach! (Silence) I'm kidding!! (More disbelieving silence, that's a neat trick if you can pull it off). Anyway Spidey, I heard something and I want to ask you a personal question. Can I?

Brian: Sure, if it's only 1 question & I get to ask you 1 in turn.

Johnny: OK, that's fair. So, is you real name Brian Beaver?

Brian: No.(He lays down a winning hand & they resume playing cards.)

Johnny: I knew it! I knew it! I knew that Hawkeye was a dickhead! Anyone who's initial's on their head must be a retard. So, what is your first name.

Not Brian: No, no, that's two questions! My question now...

Johnny: Hey, you didn't answer my question.

Not Brian: Oh, alright, it's Peter. There happy! Now my questions is...you've hung around the Inhumans...

Johnny: Yeah......

Peter: So, does Medusa have a really hairy bush? (Ben and Sue start laughing.)

Johnny: What kinda of a dumbass question is that? How the hell would I know? I dated her sister fer crying out loud - and no, we did not dicuss the length of her sister's pubes. Man, can you belive this guy? What a creep!

Peter: Hey, you always check out the older sis when yer dating the youngun!

Ben: Bug-man's right - got's be done! Never know when ya might have to work through the family tree!

Peter: I only figured you'd know.

Johnny: Well I don't.

Ben: Ben: She ain't hairy, she's a real Prof X down there!! (Big silence) What?? What?? She dropped her towel once coming outta the shower! A guys gotta look. Jeez, what prudes!

Sue: I coulda told you that. Shshhe can retract her hair! Head, under-arm, and other places as well! Satisfied! And before you ask - it's girl talk! You'd be amazed at what get's dishcussed when us girls get together.

ALL: Like what?? Go on, spill it.

Sue: Well, this musn't go any further, but Black Bolt is really well hung.

Ben: Whatta yer complaining about - Reed could make his poolang touch the floor if ya wanted. God knows where you'd put it all??

Sue: BEN!! Hahahhahahah - that's aweful! Anyway, as I was shaying Thundera suffers from gross penis envy.

Peter: Is she a real women? I know she has those big bazongas - but I always thought she was some kinds pre-op transexual. Isn't that new song 'Slutz with Nutz' about her?? (He lays down a winning hand & they resume playing cards.)

Sue: Bazongashsh!! Haven't you got over your breast-fishation yet?

Peter: No, I'm nursing it into a life-long fixation! Haha, fishation!!!

Sue: Oh, and get this - Schschkott Schumm...Schumm.....Schumm....Cyclopsh! shwings both ways...hic!

ALL: Naaahhhh! Wow!

Johnny: So is that one of his super-powers! Man, these muties have all the fun! I heard the Silver Surfer got it on with Emma Frost the other week.

Peter: Really, I didn't think these aliens were into earth women. Makes you think donit? So Ben, ehm, did the Surfer ever pork Alicia?

Ben: Keep it up roachman and I'll shove those webshooters so far down yer throat you'll be shooting webs outta yer ass!!

Sue: Sshtop it boysssssh! Hic!! I don't feel too well! I think I'll lie down! (She lies down on the floor near the card table). And I think I've won thsi hand!

Peter: Well, looks like we're down a player, might as well call it a night! I'll take that money now and call it a night - the little lady'll be wandering where I got to - so (examing scorecard) I'm up 1212 points, which comes to $121 - call it $120. (Tucks money into web belt).

Sue: (From the floor, Sue can see the underside of the card table) Juscht a minute Mischter, not scho fascht! Oh, I think I'm going to be schick. (She pukes vertically upwards and just as it comes back towards her she catches it in her forcefield - a bubble of puke - the others are suitably impressed and clap.)

Peter: Nice trick Sue, see ya around boyz, gotta go.

Sue: I SAID NOT SO FAST!!! (Getting up off the floor & strangely sober) I think you've been cheating! Last game, I was after a queen, Johnny was after a (looks at his last hand) a king and Ben was after..

Ben: ....a ten.

Peter: How could I have been cheating? You won the last hand!

Sue: You let me win! If you won every hand even Johnny would've been suspicious!!

Johnny: Hey!!

Ben: Face it kid, the only thing hot about you is your body temperature!

Peter: Sue, you're getting this all wrong!

Sue: That's Mrs Richards to you!! And I'm wrong, am I?? (She turn the card table top invisible and webbed beneath are the 3 cards the rest were waiting for) Hah!! We're broke and you come in here and skim us for the housekeeping! No wonder you didn't want Reed around, he'd a cottoned onto you a lot quicker than us! That's mine I think (She uses her force field to take the money back). Get him boys. (They charge Spidey who skips out of the way and heads for the window, at the last moment Sue makes his costume invisible)

Peter: Jeez, I wasn't gonna keep it - just a bit of fun! (Swings out of the window) Come on Mrs Richards, I can't swing through town like this!! Jeez, you're a bigger grouch than Jameson!! (Swings away fast - very fast).

Johnny: Can you believe it - we kick every galactic criminal ass from here to the Negative zone and he nearly takes us for all the house money. I thought he was supposed to be my friend.

Ben: So Sue, tell me......

Sue: yes.

Ben: .....seein' as how you're drunk & won't remember this in the morning.............you got a hairy bush or not? No, Sue, I was just kidding!! Not the puke!! Agghhhhhhhh! (He runs out of the room chased by the bubble of puke!!!)