AVENGERS DISTRACTED

Present: CAPTAIN AMERICA, IRON-MAN, HAWKEYE, THOR & SPIDER-MAN

Hawkeye eye walks in carrying drinks for everyone.

Cap: Oh, Hawkeye, I told you not to use my shield as a tray.

Hawkeye: Oh relax Cap, it won't break. Here we go boys. A Miller Lite for Cap, a martini, poured not spilled, for Mr Stark, a Pepsi Max for the ceiling fan (gives drink to Spidey), a flaggon of mead for thunderpants (gives drink to Thor) and (sitting down) a Speckled Hen for me. Who's bet is it?

Cap: Oh, for pete's sake, use the coasters will you, that's what their there for!

Spidey: Your turn Hawkeye!

Hawkeye: I'll go 10.

Cap: I fold. (To Spidey) Isn't that mask a little tight, son?

Iron-man: I'll see that 10 and raise you 20!

Spidey: Yes, it is sir!

Thor: The Knave doth side with the Snoweth Queeneth againeth and the High Lord weepeth bitter tears. I relinquisheth mineth hand!

Spidey: I think he's out - but I could be wrong! I'm not fluent in gibberish!!

Hawkeye: You think I'm bluffing don't you. But I ain't, not this time. See that 20, raise you another 10.

Cap: Here, take your mask off and put these on! (Throwing sunglasses)

Iron-man: See that and raise you 50!

Spidey: Yes Sir.

Cap: And don't call me sir!

Spidey: Yes Mam!

Cap: What happened??

Iron-man: He folded! Pot's mine I think.

Wasp: (Walking in) Yes, yes, I know this is your....

ALL: Wasp!!!

Wasp: ..room for tonight but She-Hulk and I are going to Bloomingdales for an exhibition and I don't want you boys wrecking the mansion like last time.

Cap: Jan, we're responsible people - we know how to behave.

Wasp: I'm not sure, men and drink don't mix well. Especially when those 2 idiots (indicating Spidey & Hawkeye) get together anything can happen. Speaking of which. You (turning and confronting Spidey), had better not walk on the ceilings again. You know Jarvis can't reach that high. Anyway I can't hang around here, I'm off. Oh, by the way Cap why did you fold, you had a winning hand.

Cap: JAN!!

Spidey (whispering): Hey, Clint, watch this! (He webs Jan's skirt to her waist exposing her little thong number!)

Cap: What? What happened then?

Iron-man: The natural emnity of spider and wasp was in play again. Time to deal flagface!

Thor: The Waspeth's new costume is mostest becomingeth! (Cap deals cards).

Spidey: Anyway, we going to finish this list or not. Who's got it?

Cap: I think this is most irregular and demeaning to women.

Hawkeye: Oh, fer crying out loud - listen to him willya - New Man - him who was born in 1920! Women didn't even have the freaking vote then!

Cap: OK, I have it but I'm doing it under protest.

Iron-man: Duly noted, eh, would you mind refreshing my mind with the title again.

Cap: NO!!! The title was not my idea!

ALL: Oh, go on Cap, come on!! Cometh ONeth (best guess, but I think that's Thor).

Cap: OK. OK. OK! Enough! The title of tonight's list is...(pause).....(an even longer pause).....(still the same pause).....(a new pause, or maybe it's the first one resumed, no, no, I was wrong, I think it's a new one)...

Spidey: Is she being dramatic or is she just a slow reader???

Hawkeye: Come on Cap, spit it out.

Cap: TheTopTenSuper-HeroinesIWouldMostLikeToShag!!

Thor: Thy speakest with the troll-tongue varlet! Thou art Loki in diguise - have at thee....where's be mine hammerest???

Iron-man: You're sitting on it! Something about needing to touch it regularly. And sit down, it's just Cap being modest!! What are we up to?

Cap: Well, at number 10 we have The Black Widow. Number 9 we have The Black Cat.

Hawkeye: Hey, Spidey, how does she swing around with that heavy top load?

Cap: Oh, don't be juvenile about this. It's bad enough reading it out! Number 8 She-Hulk.

Thor: Aye. Verily a wise choiceth!

Cap: Yes, thank you for that Thunder God. Number 7 The Lady Sif!

Thor: Whateth??? Lady Sif here?? Where be my helmeteth???

Spidey: Relax, sit down, he's still reading the list. Jeez loiuse, for a God you sure are jumpy!!

Cap: I shall continue. Number 6 we have Scarlet Witch.

Hawkeye: No, no no! I disagree with that. We said 10 girls we'd like to screw not 10 freaking hex-weirdos!! Fer crying out loud, she's married to a walking vibrator.

Cap: Stop that. She's a fellow Avenger for heaven's sake. Anyway it's too late, we've already voted. Now any suggestions for number 5?

Iron-man: What about Jean Grey?

Hawkeye: Come on, let' stick to the living! What about Madam Web?

Spidey: WHAT?? Are freaking crazy? Have you seen her up close?? She's older than Galactus!!

Hawkeye: No, not her! I mean Spider-woman?

Cap: Disqualified, she's no longer a super-heroine!

Iron-man: What about Emma Frost?

Hawkeye: What is it with you and the X-men? You in the wrong group buddy? Anyway, I don't think she's gonna stick long as a super-heroine.

Thor: Mr Hyde. (Silence.......a long one.......a really long one)

Cap: Uhm, I think fellow-Avenger, you may still be nominating for last weeks list - 10 most stupidest villians.

Thor: I (Pause) withdraweth the nominationeth!

Spidey: What about Sue Storm?

Cap: Sue? No, I can't see her as sexy - she's the Doris Day of the super-hero set.

Spidey: Who's Doris Day?

Cap: For Pete's sake - don't you know Doris Day?

Spidey: Nope, never heard of her.

Hawkeye: (Picking up on what Spidey is doing) Nah, me neither!

Cap: Oh you must've heard of her. She was in Pillow Talk!

Hawkeye: I didn't know you watched porn Cap? I thought you spent you spare time polishing your shield!

Cap: Don't be childish - it's not porn! You must've heard of Calamity Jane, with all those great songs! It was a big hit!

Spidey: What kind of songs? If you sang a few bars maybe I'd remember!

Cap starts to sing "Oh the Deadwood stage is coming.."

Hawkeye: It'd be a whole lot better with actions!

Cap: (Getting up and starting to dance) OK - here it goes, I don't how you boys ever missed this - "The Deadwood stage is coming around the bend.." (Spidey and Hawkeye make a huge effort not to laugh.)

Spidey: Hmm sounds kinda familiar.

Hawkeye: Do you know any other songs from it?

Cap: Yeah here's a big favourite. (Dancing like Doris Day) "I just blew in from the windy city, The windy city is might purty.." (Spidey & Hawkeye are creasing over trying not to laugh.)

Iron-man: Alright boys knock it off! Sit down Cap - they're just winding you up! Who's bet is it?

Spidey: (Turning to Cap) Maam - it's your bet!

Hawkeye: Yeah Doris, get on with it.

Hawkeye: What's your first name Spidey? It don't matter if we know that.

Spidey: Brian!

Hawkeye: Brian? You serious? God you had weird parents. With all these stupid ryhming names, Bruce Banner, Reed Richards, Sue Storm - I bet your last name starts with a B as well! It's not Beaver is it?

Spidey: Might be!

Hawkeye: Anyway, Brian - you heard the latest track from the Jean Grey Tribute Band?

Brian: Oh yeah! (Both sing) We're slutz with nutz, we're slutz with nutz, oh yes we are!! Squeeze our nuts coz we're sluts, oh yes we are!!

Cap: I don't get it! That's not lyrics that's just obscenties!

Iron-man: Ok, pipe-down boys!

Cap: Now, we had real lyrics in the old days!

Brian: Oh, God - she's not going to start singing Doris Day again is she?.

Iron-man: Enough of that - can we get back to the game?

Thor: Pardoneth me-eth. Dost the triple moons of Shangar slayeth the twice twins Goblins of Yemira?

Cap: No, Thor, a three-of-a-kind doest not beat two pairs! Try and keep up there fellow-Avengererer.....! I don't think that's a real word - Avengerer!

Brian: Is it my imagination or is Thor talking with even more doth and thee than normal?

Iron-man: That's me - I've been spiking his drinks all evening with industrial strength ethanaol.

Hawkeye: Oh, ferrous-face - ain't you the sly one! Your bet Thor!

Thor: Verily this be-eth a mighty und noblest hand. I beteth Mighty Mjolnir!! (Slamming his hammer on the table & sending chips, cards & drinks flying).

ALL: Thor!!

Cap: Oh, look at the mess you've made. Get that off the table will you!! And you stained the carpet. We're using chips to bet - like these (holding up plastic chip) - I gave you some earlier on. You can't have lost them all?

Thor: (Sitting down) These. Me thought they be personal snacks. I have eaten mine!

Brian: OK, OK. Here, have some of mine. Let's just get on with this. (Passes some chips to Thor).

Thor: My bet be 20.

Iron-man: You're bluffing! I raise you fifty!

Thor: Me foldeth!!

Hawkeye: Me too! Man, that's too rich for me!

Iron-man: Read 'em & weep boys!

Hawkeye: God, he get's it everytime. Go, on Cap deal.

Cap: Thor, can I have the cards please. The games finished, I need to deal.

Thor: Didst I winneth?

Cap: No, thou didst not! Oh, sugar, he's got me doing it now!

Brian: Humm, Mr Tin-Top, I don't suppose you're helmet is switched on now, is it?

Iron-man: Might be. Why?

Brian: Oh, nothing, just idle curiosity. Hummmm, your helmet wouldn't happen to have microphones in it, would it?

Iron-man: What's your point, boy?

Thor: The pits of distresseth doth gurgleth in mineth stomacheth!

Brian: Well, if you had microphones, see, you could like sample our voices when were speaking. (Iron-man silent)

Brian: I'm not saying you would, but if you did sample the voices you could sort of like perhaps maybe analyse them.

Hawkeye: Cap, you sure, this list is right?? She-Hulk is kinda high at number 8 for a woman with a big ass. Screwing her would be like throwing a banana at a highway!

Cap: Oh, for heaven's sake Hawkeye, she's a fellow Avenger! You can't lust after a team-mate!

Hawkeye: I don't lust after her. That's my point! And I don't lust after team-mates....

Iron-man: And why would I do that?

Brian: Oh, no reason. But maybe, you could analyse it for sort of, stress, you know, and hummmm.... perhaps know when so someone was telling fibs...

Iron-man: Where're you going with this?

Cap: Now hold on, let's not make any wild accusations.

Brian: Oh, nothing just idle speculation. See if you could do all that, you'd know when we were bluffing. See I've been keeping count. Of the last 9 hands you've won, 7 were when you faced down a bluff. Kinda of funny ain't it.

Hawkeye: What? What? Of course that's it!! You miserable Son of a bitch! You freaking copperhead! I oughtta drill you another asshole! (Jumping on Iron-man).

Cap: Now, hang on boys! Stop! Stop that Hawkeye!! Hawkeye, that's a direct order, take your your foot of his chest. For heaven's sake he's a heart-patient!

Hawkeye: You lousy miserable card-shark! I'm gonna pump the freaking oil out of you!

Wasp: (Coming down the corridor): Spider-man!!!! You miserable cockroach! I've been showing my f*ckiny ass all over Bloomingdales. You're dead you filthy... And what the hell's this list???

Cap: Uh, Wasp I can explain that! (Struggling with Hawkeye) It wasn't my idea, they made me do it!!

Wasp: I can't belive it!! I'm not even on it!!!

Brian: Time for adieu, I think! (Swings away whilst Hawkeye is stomping on Iron-man with Cap trying to hold him off) Perhaps I'll go back to playing with the FF, at least they don't cheat!

Thor: Me'est feeleth the venometh of the dreadeth Darketh Serpentest welleth upeth....ooohhh fucketh!!! hugghhhhhhheeeyyyyyyy!!