SHOWTIME

Captain America: That was the Dancing Legs of Charles Xavier - wonderful. All those people moving around...in a sort of... like in a pre-determined manner. Anyway now - Thor and She-Hulk with a song from Oaklahomo..uhm..homa..Oaklahoma!

Spider-man: (Off-stage) No, it's from Annie Cock My Gun!

Hawkeye: (Off-stage) No, it's from Singin' in the Rim!

Spider-man: (Off-stage) You sure, I thought it was Seven Grooms for Seven Brothers!

Captain America: ENOUGH!! Them 2 (pointing off-stage) with a song! Where's Spider-man? I'm going to kill him!

She-Hulk - in an evening gown - & Thor - in a tuxedo - walk on stage.

She-Hulk: (Singing) Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything, Better than you.

Thor: No, you can't.

She-Hulk: Yes, I can.

Thor: No, you can't.

She-Hulk: Yes, I can.

Thor: No, you can't.

She-Hulk: Yes, I can, Yes, I can!

Thor: I can hide the sun, Just for a bit of fun.

She-Hulk: I can crush a mountain, Into a little fountain.

Thor: I can throw my hammer

She-Hulk: (spoken) Hah - where's the glamour?

Thor: Break thunder on a clear day

She-Hulk: (spoken) Big deal! - so can Aunt May!

Thor: Any note you can reach, I can go higher. I can sing anything, Higher than you.

She-Hulk: No, you can't. (High)

Thor: Yes, I can. (Higher)

She-Hulk: No, you can't. (Higher)

Thor: Yes, I can. (Higher)

She-Hulk: No, you can't. (Higher)

Thor: Yes, I can. (Higher)

She-Hulk: No, you can't. (Higher)

Thor: Yes, I CAN! (Highest)


Spider-man: (In the wings) Man, what a racket!

They finish to wild applause.

Captain America: Thank you thank you, The Mighty Thor and the gorgeous She-Hulk with a...with a song. Now, we have, uhm...(consulting card) The Vision with a few comments about life. The Vision!

Muted applause.

The Vision$: (In a monotone voice) Hello New York. Have you noticed how when you sit down for an evening of defragmenting your drives, clearing out a few caches and archiving some log files, your partner always comes and sits down next to you. Have you noticed that? (Uneasy silence from the audiance) Then she says 'my mother phoned' - well how can you respond? There are a finite number of possibe replies and an infinite number of impossible replies. But consider the logic; she has a mother who has access to a telephone and she knows our number - so she phoned us, on a probability ratio that's as near as 1 you could get - an absolute certainty that it were going to happen - like I said, what can you say. She then hits you with the real provocative line - you don't care about my mother - to which the only answer is - yes - you have it right - I don't care about her - if I did I would be living with her - but what can you say? so a dignified silence ensues. Then you get the killer line - you don't love me! Well, where did that come from? We are regularly exchanging bodily fluids, even though mine are manufactured by DuPont, the number of times I have vacummned out her vulva whilst she's been screaming the house down (Uncomfortable silence) & she then has the nerve to say I don't love her!
Love? Love eh? There's only one person worth loving - and that's yourself. And self-induction is the truest form of self-love. Speaking of which - do you think super-heroes sexually stimulate themselves? I think they do, they must do, it's only normal. If you look at their physiology I bet they do it more than normal people! (Embarressed coughing) All that testosterone has to have an impact. And all that body-tight lycra - where do you go if you have an erection? I mean, it's so sheer, you can practically tell if the foreskin is present or not! (More embarressed coughing) And the women! Have you seen what they wear? Talk about a Null Pointer Exception! These physically attractive women running around, fighting, jumping in flimsy coloured silk scarves - you are bound to get an accident, the odd breast playine nipple hide&seek, popping out and distracting the super-villian or a quick flash of a nicely trimmed minge when someone lands awkwardly! (Shout of 'geeroff') And do they wear knickers? Do they wear bras? Oh, no, nothing like that. Now, you're not telling me that a sight like that doesn't give you a stiffy. And do they have sex? Do they?.....

Captain America: (Cap rushes on stage) Uhm, thank you thank you thank you. The Vision there - reflecting on.....life - uhm yes..

The Vision$: I have more. I have 437 lines of text more.

Captain America: Uhm, sorry, running late, must move on - next time uhm eh? OK - moving right along there, uhm we have (consulting card) oh my! Uhm, and now ladies and gentlemen - the soliloquy from Hamlet by William Shakespeare. Uhm, that's written by William Shalesspeare not performed by him. It's actually performed by...uhm...The Soliloquy! (Runs off stage)

(On walks the Hulk - nervous murmurring and uneasy shifting in seats)

Hulk: :[/B] Grrrr! (Low menacing growl and the audiance is absolutely silence)

To smash, or not smash -- that question:
Good to let insects live
Better to smash, better to smash
Better Hulk sleep? Hulk dream
What Hulk dream? Hulk not know!
No more Hulkbusters!
No more stupid army!
Sleep? What dreams come?
Hulk smash stupid dreams!
Hulk hurt Hulk smash
Hulk stop hurting Hulk die
If Hulk die? Where go Hulk?
Hulk scared Hulk smash
Hulk head hurt - thinking bad
Banner think too much
Banner weak Banner coward
Banner talk Hulk smash
Hush -- Soft you now,
The fair Betty! -- Nympho, in thy knickers
Be all my sins done
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

(Stomps off stage)

Captain America: Thank you the Hulk! (Turns to wings and mouths 'who said yes to him?') Now, a gameshow from Spider-man. Ladies and gentlemen a warm welcome for 'GOD BLESS AMERICA'.

Spider-man: Yes, let's play GOD BLESS AMERICA AND....

Captain America: There's an 'and'?

Spider-man:...F*CK THE REST. Come on down Mrs Agatha Harkness.

Captain America: Oh, my - he's changed the title - he's changed the title!! (squirming) I have a bad feeling about this!

Spider-man: Thank you Janet - the lovely Janet Van Dyne there - just a punch away from her next husband! (She shoots him an evil look) Mrs Harkness is a soccer mom - plays right-midfield for Newcastle United, a suprise choice there - ahead of the inform Lee Bowyer - she hails from the swing state of Ohio, 'count my votes I'm a Born Again Idiot', and boy does she like to swing. She's married, separated, threatened, abused and finally divorced with 3 children! Her hobbies are voting Republican, collecting sperm and she is a Third-Trimester Evangalist. & what Aggerrs, may I call you Aggerrs, is a one of those?

Mrs Harkness: (Screeching voice) That's an Aborted Christian Brian. I believe in God and all his works!

Spider-man: And what about Jesus?

Mrs Harkness: Who's she?

Spider-man: hahaha - Intererrrrresting hobby there, collecting sperm - And how do you collect this sperm? Do you use a bucket or a sponge?

Mrs Harkness: No, Brian - (pause) I use my vagina!

Captain America: I can't belive she said that! What a potty-mouth!

Spider-man: And what prize are you aiming for tonight?

Mrs Harkness: To get photographic proof that Jamie Lee Curtis is a hemaphrodite!

Spider-man: OK - for that star prize - none-photo-shopped pics of the fair Jamieeeee Leeeee Currrrrrrrrtisssss, just answer these simple questions. Don't forget the loser get's to Kill the Cat. That's right (Janet brings on stage a baby kitten with it's neck in a guillotine) - thank you Janet - how's the bruising? - our consolation prize is to Murder the Moggy, Pulverize the Pussy and Terminate the Tom! Are you ready Mrs .DivX? What? What? what is the name of the terrorist organisation responsible for all the misery in the world? What is it?

Mrs Harkness: Ohhhhhhhh, I don't know!....Uhmmmm is it the Republican Party?

Spider-man: Haha - no it's not!

Mrs Harkness: Oh, is it Marvel Comics?

Spider-man: No, it's not - even though they've made my dead girlfriend a slut!

Mrs Harkness: Oh, I don't know Brian, can I ask the audiance?

Spider-man: Oh I wouldn't do that - they look like a right evil bunch (booing from the audiance), come on now, what is it?

Mrs Harkness: uhmmm, is it Fox News?

Spider-man: Hahaha - no Mrs .xvid, let me help you, it begins with Al!

Mrs Harkness: Oh, I know I know! Is it Al Green?

Spider-man: No, it's not!

Mrs Harkness: Is it Al Jolsen?

Spider-man: No, hahahaha no, it's not!

Mrs Harkness: Al Milligrom?

Spider-man: Who? No, no, no, it's not! Let me give you another clue. Al Q? (saying the sound 'kuh') Al Q? Q?

Mrs Harkness: Al Capone?

Spider-man: No, I think I'll have to move on there. The correct answer was Al Qaida! That's right, our bogeyman for the first half of the 21st Century is Al Qaida. Nevermind, you didn't know their name but you cares; you can still hate them! OK - are you ready for your next question Mrs .avi?

Mrs Harkness: Yes Brian!

Spider-man: OK - 3 reasons, yes that's right 3 reasons, why the Great United Satans of America would bomb, that's right bomb, another country? I want to assure the audiance that All facts are verified by the Paul Wolfowitz Institute for Smiting Camel-Jockeys. Three reasons why we would bomb another country?

Mrs Harkness: For a Disney on Ice special!

Spider-man: No, no, hahah, not yet!

Mrs Harkness: To improve Haliburton's stock shares!

Spider-man: Hahahaha - ssshhhh! stumff on the Military Industrial Complex Mrs .wmv!! Come on, why would we bomb another country?

Mrs Harkness: Uhmhmmm - is it because it was Muslim!

Spider-man: Yes - that's one - let's have another one! Come on! Come one! You can do it! Something they have!

Mrs Harkness: Sand?

Spider-man: No! No!

Mrs Harkness: Dates? Camels? Bad breath? Mysterious women? Stubble?

Spider-man: No! No! No! No!

Mrs Harkness: Eh, for the Oil?

Spider-man: Yes - that's right - any country with a capacity of 1000 barrells a day is fair game. Now Mrs .mpg, for that grand prize, just one more reason.

Mrs Harkness: uhm uhm - because they smell!

Spider-man: No no hahaha - we'd have to bomb Alabama if that was true! No, think Mrs .kvcd, what other reason could there be?

Mrs Harkness: Because they don't speak American!

Spider-man: No, no, hahaha - oooops! there goes California! "No pablo angaliase" indeed! No, Mrs .svcd, really really think - what other reason could there be for the US bombing another country?

Mrs Harkness: Hmmmmmm - ---- ehhhhhh Because we could!

Spider-man: Yes - absolutely right - as the only global super-power in the whole world, we can do whatever we damn well like! And now Mrs .wav, for that grand prize....(Audiance purrs)...a date with Tony Stark. What is the name of the President of the United States of America?

Mrs Harkness: Is it Tea-trolley?

Spider-man: No hahaha, it's not.

Mrs Harkness: Clyde the Orangutang!

Spider-man: No.

Mrs Harkness: Is it Dick Cheney?

Spider-man: Haha - very clever but no, it's not!

Mrs Harkness: Is it the Lucky Sperm Club?

Spider-man: Uhm, no 'fraid not.

Mrs Harkness: Is it qumquat? Banana? Grapefruit? Pineapple?

Spider-man: No it's not. Let me give you a clue, he's not a fruit, well not as far as we know! Here's a clue! What's in your knickers?

Mrs Harkness: Me! I'm the president of the USA? Ohhhh, I never knew that! I suspected it, all those funny looks in K-mart! Let's bomb Iran!

Spider-man: No, not that! (Pulls her skirt to one side and jerks her knickers out) That! (Pointing down) That!

Captain America: Oh, my god!

Mrs Harkness: (Looking down) Sperm!

Spider-man: No, hahaha, look carefully! What is that thing there? (Pointing down)

Mrs Harkness: Oh, I gettit! (Looking closely down)

Captain America: (In the wings) Don't say it. Don't say it. Please don't say it!

Mrs Harkness: I know who the President of the United States is!

Spider-man: What is it Mrs .mov?

Mrs Harkness: It's Mr C*nt!!

Captain America: Aaaaarrrgggggg! (running on stage) GET OFF!! GET OFF!! GET OFF!! Filthy degenerate potty-mouths! And a woman of your age! Your old enough to be my daughter! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Mrs Harkness: (Being bundled off & somewhat confused) Did I win?