Prof & Mrs Richards
You are Cordially invited to
The Avenger's XXIII Annual Charity Show
at
The Avenger's Auditorium, Avenger's Mansion

8pm on 25th November 2004

Dress formal.
No Costumes, No Capes, No Weapons, No Surfboards, No Scythes,
No Power Gauntlets & No Magical Steads.

REHEARSALS

Prof X: Altogether now, lift 2 3 turn, lift squeeze 2 3 turn, fondle fondle 2 3 turn, oh, come on She-hulk lift your feet, for heaven's sake you're supposed to be a dairy maid. Can the New mutants get tighter at the back there - you're all over the place like a bunch of loose tits - yes She-hulk I'm talking to you - put them away love - come on ducky-poos concentrate - we open tomorrow & I want you all to shine. Oh, Logan Logan - pick the girl like you love her not like your throwing out last night's trash - now from the top lift 2 3 turn, lift squeeze 2 3 turn, fondle fondle 2 3 turn, come on people that's fondle fondle not grope grope assault assault - aaaand rest!

Captain America: I don't think this is going to work! Oh, fishhooks, I should've left this to the Wasp as usual. Alright - (Turning to Spider-man) what are you going to do?

Spider-man: I was thinking of some light juggling!

Captain America: Juggling? Juggling? You're a super-powered athelete and all you want to do is juggle? NO! It's got to be something unusual - we've got to wow this crowd.

Spider-man: I could take my top off? (Cap shakes his head) OK - I'll take my bottoms off too!

Captain America: Oh, pleeeeease - keep your potty humour out of this. No juggling! Alright - who's next? Ahh, I see it's Thor with a nice song. Wonderful! (Spider-man slinks off) Where're you going? (Thor turns up) Ah Thor, there you are. OK - in your own time.

Thor: (Coughs and clears throat - sings, in an accent very close to Arnold Schwarzenegger)

I've just met a guy named Mario,
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same
foresooth to me.
Mario!
I've just kissed a guy named Mario,
And suddenly I've found
How wonderful a sound
Can be!
Mario!
Say it loudeth....

Captain America: Waitaminute waitaminute! Uhm Thor - these aren't the words that I remember to West Side Story.

Thor: They not be?

Captain America: No, they not not be! What? Where did you get them from?

Thor: From the Man-Spider! What be the problem be'eth?

Captain America: Well, for a start your singing to a man - that's a man - called Mario. I don't think it's quite the image you want to portray.

Thor: Foresooth I shall smite the Man-Spider, squisheth him with mine hammer...

Captain America: Alright alright, just hold your horses there fellow-Avengerer!

Thor: Nay - thou shallt not defend that insect. To make the Mighty Thor croon love songs to a man! Pfaaaa! I shall tear his limbs from...

Captain America: Alright alright - jeez - you sounding like a real homeophobe!

Thor: What be homophobe? What be homo?

Captain America: Come on, you know! (Confused silence) You know, men who, kinda like...uhm...like other men.

Thor: Aye, then I be a homo - for I very much like Balder the Brave and much admireth Beta-Ray Bill.

Captain America: Uhm, no don't say that! Uhm, this is more like when, you know...they hug each other.

Thor: Then I be truly a homo, for oft I have hugged my fellow comrades after an epic battle.

Captain America: No, no, no! Don't say that! This is more than that, it's when uhm men...you know kiss other men.

Thor: And what pray doth seem strange about that - many a time Balder and I have kissed in mutual affection when a foe has been vanquished. I tell you I am a homo!

Captain America: NO!! For heaven's sake - this is more than just a friendly kiss - it's more......intimate...you know...tongues are used..

Thor: Pfaa, tis noble, oft Beta-Ray Bill and I have exchanged affectionate kisses... and yes our tongues have touched. Tis manly and rewarding. I tell you I'm a homo!

Captain America: What? Oh, you know what - you're right! I give up - I've had it - yes, you are now the God of Matched Accessories! OK? Go, now, just go and find a song that won't get you laughed off stage.

Thor: What about a traditional Asgardian drinking song? (starts singing)

Drink! Drink! Drink from thy cups
Drink! Drink! Drink from my lips
We are manly man together!
With your big brown eyes
And your soft white thighs
We are manly man together
Come!
Drink! Drink! Drink from thy cups
Drink! Drink! Drink from my lips
Let's kill a few trolls
And compare the length of our poles
Down by the Snowy falls
Measuring the size of our balls
Come!
Drink! Drink! Drink from thy cups
Drink! Drink! Drink from my lips...

Captain America: Oh, God!

Thor: Tis more harmonious with a chorus!

Captain America: Something else! Thank you!

Spider-man: (Hanging down from the rafters) What about animal shapes with my webs?

Captain America: Aaah! For God's sake! Did you give him those lyrics? Tch! - why do I bother even asking; of course you did. No! For Pete's Sake - something original!

Spider-man: How about swinging around the auditorium with a couple of kids on my back?

Captain America: NO! NO! Why can't you lot get it into your heads - something different from what you normally do!

Hawkeye: : Have those apples arrived for my act?

Captain America: Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhh! (Walks off towards a commotion at the stage door)

Superman & Batman have arrived.
Superman: (Scottish accent ala Sean Connery) Are you in charge?

Captain America: Yes!

Superman: Good - We've come to help with the charity sshhow.

Captain America: (Less than impressed) & Who the hell are you?

Superman: Who am I? Who am I? Do you know what thishsh shtandsh for? (Pointing at 'S') Do you?

Captain America: Look pal, if you don't know your name I can't help!

Superman: Know my name? Know my name? Of COURSHE I KNOW MY NAME!! I, my cheap flag-faced friend, AM SHUPERMAN! Do you undertshand? Shuper! SHUPER! And more than man!

Captain America: Shuuuuuuuperman eh? (Pretending to write) Is that with or without a hyphen? (Spider-man and Hawkeye walkover to see what the fuss is all about.)

Superman: Without! Without! You pleb! Don't you know I am the mosht famoush American in the world. I represhent the living embodiment of the American dream. I shtand for Mom'sh apple pie, the Dodgersh, The Lincoln Memorial, white picket fencesh'sh...

Spider-man: (Singing) Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,

Hawkeye: : (Joining in) Front-opening bras and black-plastic whips, Pink pert nipples and soft pubic lips,

BOTH: These are a few of my favourite things!

Captain America: Alright, knock it off! Listen you pompous simple-minded windbag! You're not even human! You are an alien!

Superman: That's an outrageous lie, I was raished in Kanshash!

Captain America: Look just because a kitten lives in a biscuit tin, doesn't make it a biscuit! You're an alien - does the immigration service know about you?

Superman: I AM A TRUE FREAKING AMERICAN PAL! I've killed more commiesh than Stalin & the Nazis put together! Sho don't tell me, I NOT A FRICKING AMERICAN!

Spider-man: You want me to throw him out?

Superman: Just you try. Just you frickin try it pal!

Batman: : I told you it was a mistake. Let's just leave now. You're making a spectacle of yourself.

Spider-man: Does the 'S' stand for Stupid?

Superman: I'm warnin' ya - I'm warnin' ya!

Daredevil: : (Wandering over to Batmman) Is he always like this? How do you put up with it?

Batman: I hang upside down a lot.

Hawkeye: : Or is it Simpleton?

Superman: I'm warnin' ya - I'm warnin' ya! (Grabs Hawkeye)

Spider-man: It's not Shirley is it?

Superman: Watchit pal!

Thor: Be there a problem?

Superman: I'm Shuperman - Who the ****'re you?

Thor: Man? Be thee man? Haha! I be God - I be Thunder God!

Daredevil: So, you gettin' any these days?

Batman: I do alright. (whispers) Catwoman. Who's the green broad with the big ass?

Daredevil: Oh that, that's She-Hulk. Catwoman huh, nice. Sooooooo, she still lick your balls clean after you come?

Batman: Only if I beg. What about you? Who you porki....Uh uh...looks like trouble.

Superman: Don't point tha 'ammer at me, ya hear! Or I'll stick't where the shun don't shshine! Ya chicken-wearing sassnach!

Thor: Take that back. The Mighty Thor does not wear a chicken on his head. I am much vexed and shall smite thee roughly.

Superman: You can't be a freaking American shuperhero, you shpeak funny.

Batman: : We are leaving. Come! (Dragging Supes away)

Superman: Yeah, I'll shee you outshide pal, any day, any day! Ya hear me, ya Nordic mooshe-shagger! (They leave)

Spider-man: See ya Shirley! Hey! You've got your cape caught in your knickers! (Dodges a superfast bit of spit)

She-Hulk: : (Voice off) Owww! What the hell was that? Ughhh what is this! Ughhh it's green and....

Thor: Aye take him away - this man be a fool to try the patience of the Mighty Thor, The God of Thunder and the Best Homo in Asgard!

Spider-man: (Stunned silence) Come again!

Captain America: Don't! Just, just don't!

Spider-man: I've had another idea for my act. (Cap listens reluctantly) How about a gameshow? "God Bless America" - what do you think?

Captain America: Yes - I like that! Sort of a tribute to our proud nation. That's good - I like that.

Wonder Woman: : Typical men! They have gone without me! (Sees She-Hulk - eyes her up in a very obvious way) I am Princess Diana, and you are the one they call She-Hulk!

She-Hulk: : Yes.

Wonder Woman: : Is this green paint or (Running her finger lightly & sensously down She-Hulk's arm) real skin colour?

She-Hulk: : Oh, it's real alright!

Wonder Woman: : And are you green all over?

She-Hulk: : Why don't you find out? (They eye each other hungerily, taking deep gasping breaths.) Wanna arm wrestle?