The Quest for the
Kai.
The Quest for the Kai: Part 8.
The conclusion of our epic saga of silliness and tediousness, as items are
found, friends are lost, arguements are settled and settlements are unsettled
and someone most important to the whole story - dies.
The story so far:
Part 1: After consulting the Dudley Oracle the Silver Surfer starts his search
for the thing known as the 'Kai' whilst Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid discuss
the possibility of Galactus having a period.
Part 2: Bishop instructs his students in hostage taking with Baron Zemo and the
Surfer asks for help in his search; the Baron joins the quest.
Part 3: A starship, of sorts, is created, the Surfer finds Grotus Squaley - who
may know where the 'Kai' is - but then gets trapped in D-space.
Part 4: Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid go looking for the Surfer who manages
to escape D-space, whilst Bishop & Baron Zemo end up getting lost in the
desert (coz the Baron was getting diamond-like Arid Crystal-beetles).
Part 5: Our stranded pair meet an overly-literal alien who shoots himself and
Bishop gets a drink while the Baron cons himself out of one.
Part 6: Mrs D enjoys the attentions of Grotus Squaley, Bishop & the Baron
escape some hostile aliens and the Surfer rejects an aggresive Android Koozee;
but, thank the Great PysssQuari, they may know where the kai is!
Part 7: Our friend Tessticulatus guides the Questers to the Maji and the Baron
is mistaken for the Herald of Galactus.
After some discussion Tessticulatus is left to guard the door whilst the
remaining trio, the Surfer, Bishop and Grotus, climb to the main chamber of the
Kai to witness the awesome sight of the Kai.
Silver Surfer: Oh, my, I never expected that!
Bishop: Ain't that yer fucking board?
Silver Surfer: It looks familiar.
Bishop: Don't give me that crap - that's your first board! What the
hell's it doing here?
Silver Surfer: Shh - someone's coming!
Into the chamber enter a group of men who lead in Baron Zemo hopping in on a
leash.
Penilo:Master - we have the Herald of Galactus.
Scrotus Skratchyns: He's a pitiful sight - not at all what I expected.
(pauses and scratches his... pauses again, scratches his nose) Are you really
the Herald of the Kai maker?
Baron Zemo: Depends - vat's init fur me?
Scrotus Skratchyns: The Sainted & Most Holy Relic, (pauses and
scratches his... pauses again, scratches his ear) The Kai, is treasured beyond
all else. Anyone who is associated with it is blessed indeed (pauses and
scratches his... pauses again, scratches his chin).
Baron Zemo: Den I am your man. Behold der Zilver Zurfer! Herald of
Galactus.
Scrotus Skratchyns: Good. Now listen Herald - you can not have the Kai
(pauses and scratches his... pauses again, scratches his elbow)- it has been ours
for a thousand years!
Baron Zemo: Vell, vhatever - tings change nicht war?
Scrotus Skratchyns: Take him away and cut the flesh off his back and
stick a spear up his bottom. (pauses and scratches his... pauses again,
scratches his nose again)
Baron Zemo: No, no no no. Wait ein minuten - you have made a mistake. I
am not de Herald of Galactus!! Oh you said Galactus - oooff - vat a nincomppop
I am - I tought you said Galactis - man dat guy should change his name - it's
so confusing - dere dis guys who's got a schnitzel shop in Hamburg - Herr Otto Von GalacTIS. TIS.
- und I'm his herald - I go around say vhat a nice guy he is. Ya he is (totally
unconvincing) really gut. You should try his schnitzel. (The guards advance
menacingly) hilfe meir! (hops away quickly - the leash is yanked and he does a
pratfall on his arse.)
Silver Surfer: Thousands of years? Ahh, I see now. What a fool I've
been, I've been looking for it space when I should have been looking for it in
time. I must have lost it down a wormhole.
Bishop: Welcome to Surfer in Wonderland! Well? Whatta ya gonna do about
it? Alice??
Silver Surfer: Ssshh!
Grotus: I can speak!
Silver Surfer: Sssh Grotus - for heavens sake be quiet!
Grotus: Quiet? Quiet? Oh you've got be fracking pulling my poolang! I've
been quiet for 3 days and 3 nights with this thing growing out of my mouth. Oh
the horror of what I had to endure - the agony of a double-headed clitoris -
the rasping sandpaper feel of an alien's multi-cat-flaps, with a hidden
internal vagina round, wrapped my beloved speaking tool. Oh the sheer
inhumaintiy of what they made me do - do you have any idea? - do you know how
long her arousal cycle is? Do you? Oh god! The things that came out of her
kooz-hole, the secretions, the nosious smells, the exudates, the fluids, the
seepage, the sewage....Ohh heaven preserve me from that thigh-tightening orgasm
- the sheer skull-crushing force of her pimpled and puckered thighs - it's
beyond endurance, it's beyond measure, it's beyond calculation, the horror, oh,
the horror, the shame, the self-loathing. And not a drop to drink, not a single
solitary sodding drop! Dragging my sodding tongue around everywhere, caked in
crud and dust and horrible horrible sticku curly hair...
A group of Maji men approach.
Bishop: Over here. We're hiding over here. Yes we give up Thank you. Yes
there's only three of us.
Grotus:...oh great the misery continues, is there no limit to the
suffering I have to endure, oh I wish I'd stayed in Celestial Prime and got my
face sliced off, but no, I have to trust the sodding Surfer on his great
fracking quest, the quest that will change all the universe, and what is it?
what is it? HIS OWN FRACKING BOARD!! HIS OWN FRACKING BOARD!! CAN YOU FRACKING
BELIEVE IT!
The men motion menacingly towards Grotus.
Silver Surfer: Grotus, it may be an idea to be quiet for a while.
Grotus: And what is this all about, kozee-footing with these idiots -
why don't you just blast the slurry out of them?
Silver Surfer: (An embarressed silence) I...I seem to have lost my
powers.
The trio are taken to the holding chamber to see the pathetic sight of...
Bishop: Well, well! - if ain't the Zilver Zurfer!
Baron Zemo: You schweinhund - you let dem take me!
Bishop: Pipe down - afora I smack you down - you were ready to sell him
out.
Baron Zemo: Und vhy not? All dis runaround fur nutink - it's all his
fault. Und all fur vaht - his own board - stupid! Grosse ficken stupid!
Tessticulatus: (A voice from the shadows) Is the Kai really yours?
It is our dear friend Tessticulatus, standing against the wall - holding the
door he was left to guard.
Bishop: What the hell are you doin with that?
Tessticulatus: Well, that's gratitude for you! After all the trouble I
took to look after it. Well, is it yours?
Penilo: No, it is ours now. The chief wants to see you all. Including
the door-stealer!
The quintet of questers are lead up and up and up and up and up and up and
up, oh, you get the idea - clever little chap/chapette like you! Plugged into
the eAge, stealing all the media you can get your grubby little handles on,
your smug satisfaction at watching the latest film, reading the latest comic or
grabbing the lastest software before everyone else, and all for free, your
creepy smirking puce face as you keep ahead of everyone else - killing every
conversation with your knowall & fuckeveyone attitude, online-friends with
strangers who'd blagg your IP address in a second when the studios come
calling; no honour among thieves.
Baron Zemo: Vat is die matter vid diese ficken people? Vhy do they have to
live in the middle of a mountain? Stupid ficken steps! Und vhy do you have to
bring dat stupid ficken door mit you?
Tessticulatus: I was told to guard it and that is what I am doing.
They reach the apex of their climb and look down to see a huge black
crystal. Suddenly the Surfer is overcome and falls down.
Tessticulatus: What's the matter with him? Is he having his weekly
discharge?*
Bishop: What? He ain't a female ya fracking poolang!
*It's a commonly held fallacy by many races that the female menstruation
cycle is regulated by biological factors. It is fairly-well understood that a
group of Earth-women menstruating at varying times will eventually synchronise
to menstruate at the same time. In addition the onset of menstruation can be
affected by the cycle of the moon, the tides, stress, medication, England
World Cup Qualifier (guarenteed), chocolate sale at Tesco's, episodes of Sex in
the City and most crucially of all, the presence of strange odours - the smell
of another woman on their partners.
Tessticulatus is sadly mistaken in his belief that females discharge weekly. In
fact they discharge very infrequently - but, hey - what else are you are going
to say, when your men are singing love songs to Drooggies!
Tessticulatus: What's going on?
Penilo: (Pointing) Scrotus Skratchyns
Tessticulatus: Alright, but I've got my hands full with this door!
(Moves towards the chief)
Bishop: Leave him alone.
Scrotus Skratchyns: Bring the biggest and bluntest spear we have.
Bishop: I think your up next!
Baron Zemo: Nein, nein! Dis ist sehr grosse unfair - do sometink!
Bishop: What's the matter? You only like doing it with Sentinels??
Baron Zemo: You schwartze schweinhund - do sometink!
Bishop: Yeah, that's really gonna make me help you, ya fat Nazi!
Silver Surfer: listen.....
Bishop: What is it?
Silver Surfer: ...break it...
Bishop: Break it? Break what?
Tessticulatus: Break the door? No! No! No! No!
Bishop: Shut up ya fracking moron! Shit! He's passed out! What are we
gonna do?
Tessticulatus: I think the Baron should take his pants down - the spear
is here!
Grotus: Are you professionally stupid or are you gifted amatures? It's
obvious what the nickel-plated nitwit wanted! I can't believe that you're all
standing considering what to do when it's obvious to any koozee-loving
droogie-humper...
Bishop: Will you stop pissin about and get to the fracking point!
Grotus: THE CRYSTAL!
THE CRYSTAL!
BREAK THE FRACKING CRYSTAL!!
RELEASE THE SODDING COSMIC ENERGY!!!
Baron Zemo: Isn't dat eine kleine dangerous?
Bishop: You wanna hang around and make friends with Mr Bottom-Stabber!
OK - listen up, we need someone to make a pointless futile gesture and give up
their life for the good of the others! (A long pause - they all turn to look at
Baron Zemo)
Baron Zemo: Vat are you all looking at meir fur?
Bishop: Why else do you think we brought you along?
Baron Zemo: Nein dat ist nicht fair - I am ein valued member of dere
team.
Bishop: (Smiling) You believe that, do you? All that shit you've been
giving me - this is payback time! Now get down there & save our asses!
Baron Zemo: Nein, nein, nein! Dat ist sehr unmoglich - vy not him? His
stupid brains cameback - who knows what else might grow?
Bishop: Enough with the bullshit - get down there ya fracking kraut!
Baron Zemo: Nein nein - hilfe meir, hilfe meir!
Bishop, Grotus and Tessticulatus start to chase the Baron around the
platform trying to push him into the Black Crystal pit. Meanwhile Penilo has turned up
with a huge spear and starts to move menacingly towards the Baron too.
Realising he is running out of options, the Baron suddenly jumps on the Chief
and points a pistol at his head.
Baron Zemo: Stop it! Get back oder I vill shoot de chief! Und you mit die
ficken spear - get back!
There is a temporary lull as everyone works out what to do. Then Bishop
takes charge.
Bishop: Now hang on! OK - uhm, look I know things ain't worked out the way
you wanted them to - but listen - (approaching the Baron) this isn't the
way to go. Look, let him go and take me instead. I don't care what happens...(he
is now within armslength of the Baron)..to me.
Baron Zemo: Vell - I don't know - waitaminute - dis zounds sehr
familiar...
Bishop: DIE NAZI MUTHERFUCKER!!! (Kicks the Chief in the balls)
Baron Zemo: Aaaaghhhhhhhh nien!! - my balls!! Vas? (Realising he's
alright)
Bishop: Gotcha! (Pushes the Chief into the pit) Come on - time to go!
Penilo watches with mixed emotions as his tribal chief hurtles towards the
massive crystal, bounces onces and then falls through it - on the one hand he
quite liked scratching the chief's balls but on the other he is next in line to
be chief.
Black bubbles of pure cosmic energy - the kind the late John Buscema liked
drawing - start to seep upwards out of the pit.
Bishop: I gotta an idea. (He takes the door from Testy and lays it on the
top of the stairs, steps onto it, carrying the Surfer, and motions the others
to join him. Reluctantly they all pile on and Bishops kicks off, racing down
the stairs.) What about his board?
Grotus: Oh, don't worry about that! Once it gets some of that Cosmic
Energy - nothing will restrain it.
Baron Zemo: Agghhghgh!
Tessticulatus: (Arms spread out)Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
The door with our gallant questers charges down the stairs, knocking over
the retreating Maji hordes in a scene worthy of Mighty Marvel - the kind that
easily fills up 6 to 8 pages, and even more with double splash pages - if this
was a movie they'd be playing 'Everybody was surfin, surfn USA' - until they
approach the bottom of the stairs.
Baron Zemo: Vait a eine minuten - isn't dhere a door at ze bottom?
Tessticulatus: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Bishop: We're on it ya freaking kraut - we're just gonna slide into the
desert!
Tessticulatus: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh, I think there is....
They suddenly hit a ridge at the bottom and all fly into the air to land in
the dirt.
Tessticulatus: (Shaking himself) As I was saying, I think there is a step!
Bishop: Thanks! Oh, shit! (As he see a horde of Maji emerging from the
entrance) Those dudes sure don't give up! Come on, let's get out of here!
(See's Testy running towards the Maji). What the hell are you doin? Not that
way, this way!
Tessticulatus: But the door! (Running) You wanted me to guard it!
Bishop: Not now ya fracking idiot - come here! Oh man - what a fucking
asshole!
Silver Surfer: ENOUGH!
A strange stillness pervades the desert air as the immense power in the
voice stops everyone in their tracks - shit man, this is the Surfer after all!
Silver Surfer: To Me! (He gestures with his hand and slowly from the bowels
of the mountain a strange rumblings starts and suddenly there's an eruption and
out jumps his first board.) Here boy! Who's a good boy then? You miss me?
Yesss!! I missed you too! (The board nuzzles up to the Surfer making cooing and
purring noises.) Yes, you are! Uhm, achum achum (coughing)! That's enough!
Later! Now listen (turning to the gathered Maji, now lead by Penilo) I'm very
sorry things got confused with my board; but all is not lost. (He whistles and
from the heavens descends the Surfer's replacement board. Immediately it starts
to square up to the original board.) Now stop that. That's enough, both of you.
(To the replacement board) I'm sorry things didn't work out, perhaps I was a little
too demanding. No, D-space wasn't your fault, it could happen to anyone, it was
not really your fault. Now pay attention, you have two options, you can either
come back with me and let Lord Galactus turn you back into a household
appliance or...(The board moves forward expectantly)...or you can stay here
with the Maji. They need a religious focal point and you would be ideal. Well?
What do think? Would you like to stay? (The board ponders this for a moment and
then, with a nod to the Surfer it moves towards the Maji.)
Penilo: What about our Chief?
Bishop: Face it Penilo, your the Chief now - hell at least it's a step
up from last one!
Penilo: Oh, you should've seen the one before Scrotus, Itchi Ainoos - he
was a real asshole! Come everyone, we have a board to annoint. (They move off)
Tessticulatus: What are we going to do now?
Bishop: Is that it? What a bloody anti-climax! Days and days of running
around, fighting for our lives and it all ends like this. What a fracking
disappointment. At least with the X-men a multi-parter always ends with someone
dieing or coming back from the dead and even the Avengers usually manage to
blow something up, but us? Oh . no! We just walk away - what a complete
fracking waste of time! We didn't even blow up the mountain!
Silver Surfer: Would you like me to blow up the mountain?
Bishop: No, no - there's no point now.
Silver Surfer: If you like, I could chase you around the desert for a
bit!
Bishop: (Slow look) No thanks! Anyway, what are we going to do with these
losers?
Silver Surfer: What about you Grotus? Are you coming with us?
Grotus: No, no. I've out-stayed my welcome on Celestial Prime. I think
I'll go find me a dirty koozee, I have a hankering for some raw primitive sex.
And, oh, Surfer (pause) next time you loose something, DON'T BOTHER ASKING ME!
(He walks off)
Bishop: What about him? (Pointing at Tessticulatus, who has retrieved
his door and is even now standing on it, pretending to surf and going
'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'.)
Tessticulatus: I shall be coming with you. The prayer mat trade isn't
what it used to be and I would like to see new sights.
Bishop: Come on then, let's go. Anyone know what days it is? Cos if it's
thursday, I've got a feeling I have a cookery class.
They climb on board, the one, the only, the true, the genuine SURFBOARD ((c)
Galactus) and zoom off into the stars.
EPILOGUE
Later, in a dark cave on a miserable wretch of a planet, the Silver Surfer
meets once again Pedantica, the all-seeing Oracle.
Silver Surfer: Oh wise Oracle, you who can see What Will Be..
Oracle: (Old crackly voice) And What May Not Be..
Silver Surfer: And What May Not Be...who...
Oracle: Depending on the Intricate Play of Infinite Possibilities.
Silver Surfer: ehm, Depending on the Intricate Play of Infinite
Possibilities...
Oracle: But Not Probabilities!
Silver Surfer: But not probabilities. (Pause) You, who send people on
wild-goose chases. You, who could have told me the Kai was my fracking
surfboard.
Oracle: (Strong Brummie accent, slightly apprehensively[/I]) oh, it's
you! What's the matter?
Silver Surfer: I have something for you!
Oracle: oh....yes??? (Scream as a cosmic blast hits the old woman's
crusty ring). Oh, me bum!