The Quest for the Kai.

The Quest for the Kai: Part 7.

The story so far:
Part 1: After consulting the Dudley Oracle the Silver Surfer starts his search for the thing known as the 'Kai' whilst Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid discuss the possibility of Galactus having a period.

Part 2: Bishop instructs his students in hostage taking with Baron Zemo and the Surfer asks for help in his search; the Baron joins the quest.

Part 3: A starship, of sorts, is created, the Surfer finds Grotus Squaley - who may know where the 'Kai' is - but then gets trapped in D-space.

Part 4: Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid go looking for the Surfer who manages to escape D-space, whilst Bishop & Baron Zemo end up getting lost in the desert (coz the Baron was getting diamond-like Arid Crystal-beetles).

Part 5: Our stranded pair meet an overly-literal alien who shoots himself and Bishop gets a drink while the Baron cons himself out of one.

Part 6: Mrs D enjoys the attentions of Grotus Squaley, Bishop & the Baron escape some hostile aliens and the Surfer rejects an aggresive Android Koozee; but, thank the Great PysssQuari, they may know where the kai is!


Having learned from Grotus Squaley that the Kai is with the primitive desert tribe of The Maji, they cross the desert abley guided by Tessticulatus, ex-prayer mat merchant and now guide supreme and part-time cook.

On a soft and gentle night, bathed in the lights of two moons, a group of weary travellers are camping down for the night and their Guide, Tessticulatus, is preparing the evening meal for the others, Mr Bishop, Barom Zemo, Grotus Squaley and the Silver Surfer.

Bishop: How long you gonna be Testy?

Tessticulatus: That's a rather personal question! I don't ask how long your personal pleasure-stick is! Really the idea!

Bishop: The food! The food! Ya drooggie-humper, how much longer before it's ready?

Tessticulatus: Well, food-preparation is not an exact science - it's more of an artistic endevour! The food must be allowed to prepare itself at a relaxed pace.

Bishop: Look ya poolang - any slower & we'll be having breakfast! How long?

Tessticulatus: Oh, if you insist. It'll only take as long as it takes to milk a humper!

Bishop: And how long does that take?

Tessticulatus: Well, obviously that's just longer than it takes to find a clean-koozee on a saturday night!

Bishop: AND HOW LONG DOES THAT TAKE!!!

Tessticulatus: Well, that's much shorter than it takes to sing a drooggie to sleep!

Bishop: AAAGGGH! Your impossible! (Storms off)

Tessticulatus: Well that's a complete untruth - if I was impossible I wouldn't be here.

Bishop goes to the Surfer.

Bishop: You! I blame you! Off alla the people on this stupid pootang of a planet, why the hell didja pick him?

Silver Surfer: He was the cheapest - because he was broke. Apparently you gave his whole merchandise away. I thought you may have felt some responsibility for his plight!

Bishop: Yeah, I'll be sure to sponsor him through moron school. But why a guide? Why can't you just fly us to the Maji on your board?

Silver Surfer: My board is no longer available. Uhm, we've become estranged - he's been a little moody since we got trapped in D-space.

Bishop: You've fallen out with your board? How in the name of smelly poopangs didja manage that?

Silver Surfer: Perhaps I was a little over-critical. I didn't think he would act like that - just flying off, and not answering my calls.

Bishop: Great! Just fracking great!

Silver Surfer: I miss my first board - he was a really loyal friend.

Bishop: Friend?

The Surfer remains silent.

The nature of the Surfer's board has vexed many people and confused an equally large number, although the vast majority of the universe hasn't even heard of the Silver Surfer.
Many people have argued that the board is only a in-animate object given movement by the cosmic power when Galactus created it.
Other's have argued that this is too simple an explanation and that the board, on many occasions, has shown independent behaviour and loyalty to the Surfer above and beyond that which could be expected from an object - how often has a household appliance fetched your slippers or smoothed your pillow? No, they argue, to fully-understand the nature of the board we have to assume some kind of basic pre-human intelligence, much like an Earth-canine.
These people,like many before them, have made the common and not unlikely mistake of consigning the whole canine population to a sub-normal intelligence group - one incapable of higher thought. Nothing could be further from the truth and closer to the untruth than this assertion. In the outer reaches of the Crab Nebula many eons ago, there arose a mighty race of warrior-cannines who subjugated their own world, conqueured thousands of unknown worlds before dieing back and being lost in the mists of time - unmourned, unloved, nothing to mark their passing, except a billion unwanted, and unrequired, lamp-posts.

The Baron walks up to Bishop & the Surfer.

Baron Zemo: Vat's die matter vid him? He looks off-colour!

Bishop: Off-colour? Off-colour? He's silver fer crying out loud - how can he be off colour?

Baron Zemo:Vell, I vas juzt saying - he looks peeky!

Bishop: Peeky? Peeky? Not Perky but Peeky? Thank you, thank you doctor baron von poopang! Thank you for that diagnosis!

Baron Zemo:Vhy are you so crabby? Your like a Juden mit eine sausage roll!

Bishop: Food! He had to talk about food! Argg! (Storms off)

Baron Zemo:(Nodding to Grotus) Vhat happened to him? Is it normal to have eine tongue drei metres long? (The Surfer smiles weakly). Do you tink it vill it go back?

Silver Surfer: I can't seem to undo it, but it seems to be going back off it's own accord!

Tessticulatus: EATING THINGS ARE READY TO BE CONSUMED! EATING THINGS ARE READY TO BE CONSUMED!

Baron Zemo:Ah gut, food! I am sehr starved!

Tessticulatus: EATING THINGS ARE READY TO BE CONSUMED! EATING THINGS ARE READY TO BE CONSUMED!

Bishop: Just say 'grub's up!' - eating things are ready to be consumed? huh!

Grotus, the Baron, Bishop & Testy, sit down to a course of stewed-beans and flat-bread. They start to eat tentatively amid much passing around of beans, bread and water.

Tessticulatus: How are the eating things?

Baron Zemo:Das ist sehr gut. (Grotus nods his head in agreement, as he shovels in more beans into his distended mouth.)

Bishop: (Sullen) Hmm, beans are a little salty!

Tessticulatus: Ahum, that would be me - I ate some sour-poppies yesterday.

Bishop: Why, (Very slowly and carefully as he dreads the answer) would that affect our food?

Tessticulatus: Well, everyone knows the sourness stays in the peewee - my, you're not very well educated for a traveller.

Bishop: (Getting irritated) Why the hell would your piss make our food salty???

Tessticulatus: Welll! Don't you people know anything! That's how we season our food!

Bishop: WHAT??? You've been pissing in the beans??

Baron Zemo: I like it - tastes gut!

Bishop: (Coughing & spitting out the last remains) YOU WILL NOT BE COOKING ANYMORE OF MY FOOD!! I hope this bread is alright coz if it ain't, I'm coming round and pissing down YOUR throat! (Going over to Surfer) YOU! I BLAME YOU! I blame you for all this!

Baron Zemo: Don't you vant yours den?

Digestion is a complex mechanism and many races have struggled to achieve harmony. Feacious the Ever-mobile postulated that the length of the digective tract was in inverse ratio to the food-quality available; high-calorific foods meant a small intestine whilst poor-calorific meant a large intestine, ideally with a couple of stomachs.
The accuracy of these observations were borne out by the tragic case of the space-hopping Gula-gulka's. Used to a very high-calorific diet this poor race were forced to leave their homeworld due to a wayward asteroid and migrate to a nearby verdant world rich in foiliage. Imagine their horror as their numbers started to die out; their digestive tracts were far too short for their new foliage diet. And imagine their even greater horror when they realised the only way to absorb enough nutrients was to re-ingest their partially-digested food; namely to re-ingest their feaces. Thus was verified the Golden Law of Good Digestion by Feacious the Ever-mobile - If it ain't brown, eaten it again.

After the evening meal has been completed - after a fashion - the group gathers round the fire.

Silver Surfer: So, Grotus who in the Maji has the Kai? (He writes the name in the sand.)

Tessticulatus: Scrotus Skratchyns? Well, alright (scratching Grotus' balls) but you really should concentrate on the question! (Grotus shakes his head reluctantly.)

Bishop: Stop that, what is the matter with you? Always taking everything literally - how do you ever manage to do anything?

Tessticulatus: I thought he was uncomfortable! Well really - I was only trying to help!

Bishop: Scrotus Skratchyns huh? I know this guy - he's a friend of mine. What the hell would he want with the Kai?

Silver Surfer: Indeed, what would a primative people want with a universal power source? It's almost an oxy-moron.

Bishop: Vat is a 'oxy-moron'?

Bishop: It's a contradiction in terms - sorta like Lesbian Cocksucker.

Baron Zemo: ah..(thinks)..oder like Orphan Mutterficker.

Tessticulatus: or a free koozee.

Bishop: Yeah you get it - like Homosexual Titty-muncher!

Silver Surfer: (Sighs) I was think more along the lines of 'organic robot'.

Tessticulatus: or an ugly Drooggie.

Bishop: That ain't an oxy-moron - that's just moronic. Have you seen those muthers?

Tessticulatus: You've obviously never read Gobu the Eternally Lonely's epic, Ode to a Drooggie on our Wedding Night!

Bishop: No, but I've read, 'Hold his backlegs I've got a stiff one'!

Tessticulatus: Really? Doesn't sound like one of Globus's! Have you got a copy?

Silver Surfer: He is telling untruths. There is no such book.

Tessticulatus: Well really! I'm suprised at you - after all the care I took with my cooking! The idea.. (Suddenly a group of men, armed with spears and swords, appear out of the darkness and surround them.) Oh, look visitors! And we haven't got enough beans to go around! Would you be staying?

Bishop: Shut up you fool!

Baron Zemo: Who are dey?

The men move forward threateningly.

Silver Surfer: I believe they are the Maji!

Tessticulatus: Do you mind sharing plates - I don't have enough to go around - who could've known they'd be so many visito..(One of the man clubs Testy around the head and he falls unconcious).

Bishop: Hey! Now look friend, there's no need for this. Just who are you?

Head Man: I am Penilo and I have come for the Herald of Galactus. Which one is he?

A silence descends on the group as they look at each other, unsure what to say. The silence is interuppted...

Baron Zemo: I know who de Herald is!

Bishop: yeah - it's him!

Baron Zemo: Nein, nein nein! Dat is sehr nicht not right! It is hi...

Bishop: (Dropping to his knees & pleading) Oh, don't strike us down o' star-dweller! Please forgive us!

Silver Surfer: Oh mighty Herald be merciful! (Grotus nods his head in agreement.)

Baron Zemo: Vat are doin? Stop dat!! Dis ist nicht gut. He is der Herald auf dem Galactus! Nicht mei.....(The men have heard enough and club the Baron to the ground) Ow, vat is dey matter wit you? (They hit him again) Oww! Stop dat! Mein Gott, vill you stop dat! Dat really really hurts! (They hit him again) Oww...(feebly, sits quietly nursing his head and giving the evil-eye to Bishop)

The men bind the Baron's hands & legs and then realise they may have a problem - how to get the fat fool back to Scrotus Skratchyns. A large pole is brought forward and the Baron is strung up - however after a few steps the pole breaks. The men re-examine their options and decide to drag him by a rope fastened round his feet, but the Prussian dead-weight refuses to budge. Finally after some consultation they decide to put a rope around his neck and he is lead away, hopping unevenly.

Silver Surfer: Why did you do that?

Bishop: Face it - you're the only one who can fly around here! Besides, that fat kraut can take a few lumps for you. (Turning to Testy & poking him with his toes) Hey, get up! Get up!

After a few moments he opens his eyes and slowly realises he is looking at the inky blackness of space, the mountains, the ground & his colleagues have all strangely disappeared.

Tessticulatus: Oh, no - they've taken the planet! I don't believe it - filthy lousy takers - to take a whole planet - it's totally unreasonable. The unmitigated nerve of the rotten takers, may their mothers be humpers with dried teats which go no milk.

Bishop: Have you quite finished?

Tessticulatus: How? how are you floating in space? It's a miracle worthy of the Great PyssQuari! If we stay still perhaps we can float to another planet!

Bishop: Get up you idiot! You're on your back fer crying out loud! Float to another planet! Man what a poolang!

Tessticulatus: (Half sitting up) Oh, dear, well it's a simple enough mistake to make.

Bishop: Come on, get up, we've got to follow the kraut kanagaroo! You don't look too good - you gonna make it?

Silver Surfer: I will....be fine. (Pause) There is a strangeness about this place which eats my soul.

Bishop: Know what you mean - some people are really pushing (giving Testy the evil eye) to get their fracking head kicked in!

They follow the tracks through the semi-darkness until they come up to a huge steep cliff; and cut into the base is a door which opens up onto a flight of stairs. In the meantime Grotus's tongue has grown considerably smaller, something weird is going on here.

Bishop: Okay! Getting somewhere. Testy, stay here and watch the door.

Tessticulatus: Why, is it going to change? It doesn't look like a moorfur* to me!
moorfur* - from the word morphing - someone who can change shape. This is an unrecognised curse, because everyone you meet always starts with - is it you?? Not only that, your mere presence in a group of people can lead to uncontrolled paranoia and much setting up of secret passwords; but even that may not be enough. Many a drunk husband has been thrown out of the marital bed after failing to accurately remember some tediously significant family event - perhaps an anniversary or the spouses spawn-day.

Bishop: No, No, just stay here and guard it.

Tessticulatus: Who in heaven would want to attack a door? It's beyond the bounds of sanity.

Bishop: No, you moron - just guard this space!

Tessticulatus: Guard it, from what? I don't understand. Anyway space doesn't need guarding, it's a silly idea.

Bishop: It's just in case someone comes.

Tessticulatus: Comes for what? Please explain yourself.

Bishop: If soemone comes from behind us - we could be in trouble.

Tessticulatus: What if they come from the front - won't you be in trouble then?

Bishop: Uhm, yes - we'd be in trouble then as well - but that's not the point - we just want you to stay here and keep watch.

Tessticulatus: But watch for what?

Bishop: For someone coming, fer crying out loud!

Tessticulatus: And what happens when they come?

Bishop: You come and warn us.

Tessticulatus: And what good will that do? What's the point of me coming to tell you they are here when you could see them yourselve soon enough.

Bishop: It's to give us warning!

Tessticulatus: Warning of what? I'm even more confused than before. Have you done this before? Because I don't think you know what...

Silver Surfer: (Raising finger to lips) Sssshhhhhh! Stay.

Tessticulatus: (Pause) OK!

The trio, Grotus, Bishop & Surfer, climb the dark stairs to the distant sound of shouting and music. Slowly they creep forward and look down into a large chamber filled with The Maji praising and celebrating before the alter of the Kai. They stare in awe at the majesty of the Kai - it's supreme power bristling under the shackles of the Maji.

THE MAJI: PRAISE, THE KAI!! PRAISE, THE KAI!! PRAISE, THE KAI!! PRAISE, THE KAI!!

Bishop: The Kai? That's the Kai?

Silver Surfer: Oh, my, I never expected that!