The Quest for the Kai.

The Quest for the Kai: Part 6.

The story so far:
Part 1: After consulting the Dudley Oracle the Silver Surfer starts his search for the thing known as the 'Kai' whilst Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid discuss the possibility of Galactus having a period.

Part 2: Bishop instructs his students in hostage taking with Baron Zemo and the Surfer asks for help in his search; the Baron joins the quest.

Part 3: A starship, of sorts, is created, the Surfer finds Grotus Squaley - who may know where the 'Kai' is - but then gets trapped in D-space.

Part 4: Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid go looking for the Surfer who manages to escape D-space, whilst Bishop & Baron Zemo end up getting lost in the desert (coz the Baron was getting diamond-like Arid Crystal-beetles).

Part 5: Our stranded pair meet an overly-literal alien who shoots himself and Bishop gets a drink while the Baron cons himself out of one.


Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid, boring & frustrated housewives of supremely powerful beings, have been left to question Grotus Squaley - compulsive talker - about the Kai in a sphere of energy floating in space. Meanwhile the Silver Surfer searches for Bishop & Baron Zemo on the surface of the desolate planet Tehook-ra.

Mrs G: Well, Grotty, do you know where the Kai is?

Grotus: Oh, do I know where the kai is? Where the kai was or where the kai will be, yes the kai, the kay, the key...

Mrs G: Oh, dear he drones on a bit!

Grotus: ...the koo. Where is it? Where was it? Where will it be? Searching for this searching for that...

Mrs D: Yes, he's one of those horrible buzzing insects.

Grotus: ...looking for this looking for that, never resting, never pausing, never seeing, never looking. What's the point when all around you is a desolate...

Mrs G: I've got an idea! So he likes to talk does he? (She concentrates)

Grotus: ...waste of...(Confused look as something starts to happen in his mouth) waste ov....(terriffied look as his huge swollen tongue pops out of his mouth and starts to lollop out and keep growing) waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhteeeeeeeee e oooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvv....heeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll pfpfpfpfpfppfpfpfpfpffp!!!

As his tongue stretches and folds over in the energy-bubble, Grotus falls strangely quiet.

Mrs D: What's the matter dear? Got nothing to say for yourself?


On the surface of the planet Bishop and Baron Zemo, after a long and difficult trip, ride into a dusty town on two drooggies. As they near some buildings a blistered and parched Baron Zemo can not contain himself any longer, he jumps down and runs into a bar closely followed by an equally dusty and dry Bishop.

Baron Zemo: Give me eine drink! Bitte schnell!! Danke schon! (He downs it in one) Aaaaaghhh! (Runs out screaming clutching his throat, sees a water trough and dives into it.)

Bishop: (To barman) What was in that? Let me have a look! (Dips in his glove finger and the drink sizzles and dissolves it. Picks it up and sniffs it) Nitric acid! You people drink this stuff? Damn fool, shoulda checked it 'afore. Ain't you got anything a little lighter? Something like what he's drinking? (Pointing to the water trough.)

Barman: You want to drink what my dog has?

Bishop: Yeah - I'm still evolving!

Barman: (Points to floor) Go ahead!

Bishop: In a glass! In a glass! And clean if you don't mind! Ya godamn fracking poolang!

Barman: Weirdo! (Pause) You're not from around here?

Bishop: No, We are mutants! (Confused look) We're the runts of the litter. You know how some people have ten kids and 9 are all fine and perfect but there's always one who's a real poolang! That's me!

Barman: (Nodding towards the Baron) What about him?

Bishop: He's number 11! The one we should've put down at birth!


In the energy-bubble a distraught Grotus sits cuddling is gi-enormous tongue - a tongue that is starting to arouse strange and unfamiliar feelings in Mrs D.

Mrs D: Hmmm, that looks interesting, I can't believe how long it is! (A puzzled look from Mrs G) Ohhh, that thing - it's so wet and tactile - hmmmm.....looks exciting - (A slow realisation dawns on Mrs G) I wonder if I should; I've never tried it before.

Mrs G: (She smiles) Go ahead dearie, don't mind me - you should get it while you can. Doesn't your old man ever perform cunnilingus?

Mrs D: Oh no dear, he's not musically inclined!

Mrs G: No, you maladjusted galactic-crone! Kiss your (Mouths the word) unmentionables!

Mrs D: Oh, that! Chance would be a fine thing! It's all I can do to get him to play with my nipples - don't know why I bother. Great slabs of concrete his hands - rough as anything - tweaking my nips? more like have them ground down! I swear one's smaller than the other! What, about you? Your old man into foreplay?

Mrs G: Foreplay? Hah, he thinks that's something they do in the Baxter Building! He's more the 'brace yourself dear, I'm coming in!' man.

Mrs D: Oh, dear! That's all you need - abrasion marks on your unmentionables! Oh, look away dear would you, while I slip my nickers off (Looking up) Oh Grotus, I have a little job for you and.....your tongue! (A look of complete horror flashes on his face and he mumbles frantically and insanely) Come Grotus - come and pleasure my double-headed-clitori!


Meanwhile the stagnant water of the animal trough has revived the wilting Baron & he sees some naked mutli-breasted women, slightly fat, looking at him over a fence.

Baron Zemo: Mein Gott! Frauleins! Wie gehts du? (Jumping up) Guten tag - how are you? Sprechen sie Deutsche? Do you speak English? Please allow me to present myself - Barom Zemo, Super Villian Extrodinaire!

Die Frauleins: Cooooo! Cooooo! Cooooo! Cooooo!

Baron Zemo: (He runs in and they move closer and nuzzle up to him. He sits down excited but exhausted and the women move forward and push their breasts into his face.) Nein fraulein, nien not in daylight. Diese tittens - dey are sehr gut! Can I? Oh, danke schon! (Strokes a breast, squeeses it and then flicks at the nipple. The woman murmurs in approval 'Cooooooo!'.) Oh, you like dat? Do you mind if I..(leans forward and kisses the nipple and then more boldly takes it into his mouth and gives it a good suck.) Ach - milsch! Dat ist yummy!

In the bar.

Barman: Why is your friend bothering the humpers?

Bishop: Say what?

Barman: He's getting free drippings from the humpers - Geessuss won't like it!

Bishop: Humpers? (Pause) Cattle! He's flirting with cattle!

Humpers are multibreasted domestic animals, specially reared for their docile nature and extreme lactating powers. Originally reared from normal domestic cattle they were cross-bred with beautiful minxes to create a whole new breed that was aesthetically pleasing and actually, sexually quite attractive. However Gobu the Eternally Lonely was a strong campaigner against these cross-breed humpers; some suggested he was offended by the ambigious nature of these beasts whilst others, speculated that he had, perhaps, a hidden agenda.
Nevertheless, sex with a humper is now considered to be a bit pase and not really what polite people should be indulging in at all. Their milk is delicious but most people take it in a glass, rarely straight from the teat!

Barman: Forget about him! How are you going to pay for your drink?

Bishop:Uhm, I was hoping for a trade! (Looking at the Baron as he sucked on multiple breasts) Fancy a fat slave?


Meanwhile up in space - a post-orgasmic Mrs D slips her knickers back on whilst a pre-vomiting Grotus tries vainly to cough out a few stray galactic pubic hairs.

Mrs D: Hmm, that was nice. Do you want a go?

Mrs G: Oh, no I'm on at the moment - he'd end-up with a mouthful of strawberry jam! Wouldn't like that would you Grotus?

Grotus shakes his head violently - sending his tongue flailing and spit flying in all directions.

Mrs D: On? You having your period?

Mrs G: Yes - you cloth-eared cosmic tea-strainer! I told you earlier - in part 1.

Mrs D: Part 1? - whatever do you mean?

Mrs G: Haven't you understood what's going on? We're all taking part in some demented space-opera?

Mrs D: What? We're creations of an evil mind!

Mrs G: No dear - not creations - more like absurd extrapolations!

Mrs D: Oh, I don't like the sound of that! (Pauses & thinks) Does it mean I don't have any free-will?

Mrs G: No, of course not - you're just mouthing the jabberings of someone else.

Mrs D: No! No! That's not true - look! (Pause then very quickly) Woggle wiggle woo! Pipple nap doo! There's no way you could predict that!

Mrs G: Stop dear - you'll go mad! Not only did it/him/her/them know you were going to say that - they probably did a spellcheck as well. Just face it, this whole universe, this entire creation, everything in it, is someone's idea of a pathetic joke.

Mrs D: Ohhhh, that's aweful - I thought I was independent!

Mrs G: Don't worry dear; The obverse is also true! It/him/her/them and their entire unvierse could be someone else's idea of a pathetic joke!

Mrs D: It doesn't make me feel any better!

Mrs G: Reality never does! Anyway, I've got to get on. The old man'll be wanting his tea soon. (Turning to Grotus) Do you know where the Kai is? (He nods his head vigouriously) Good, go down and tell Surfy, (She kicks him out of the bubble) he seems to care about these things. (Grotus falls to the ground on wings of cosmic energy). I've just got to let Surfy know before we get off. (Communicating telepathically) Surfy are you there?

Meanwhile on the surface, near a fallen umberella.

Silver Surfer: Aagghhh! (Holding head and shaking vigouriously)

Mrs G: What?

Silver Surfer: Stop it - stop shouting!

Mrs G: What do you mean?

Silver Surfer: Aagghhh! (Banging head on ground as it nears explosion) Stop it - for fracking sake stop it! Stop fracking shouting!

Mrs G: (Pause) Is that better?

Silver Surfer: No, more quiet!

Mrs G: (whisper) how's that?

Silver Surfer: Yes - thank heavens for that! What is it?

Mrs G: We've got to get off - got to make the old man's tea. Grotus is on his way down, he knows where it is - byeee.

Mrs D: Byeee!

Silver Surfer: Aaaaghhhh!

Mrs G: Quieter!

Silver Surfer: Aaaaghhhh!

Mrs D: byee.

Silver Surfer: Arg! Just go! Good bye! Thank you. (Grotus lands with a thud - trailing his long hair-encrusted tongue) What the fracking chuds happened to you? Oh, don't bother - I haven't got the will to listen, I've got to find those two idiots! (Grotus points feverishly at his tongue) Oh, no, I think I'll leave you as is - for a while - to let you think on what you'll say (He flies off on his ironing board) - when you get the chance.

Meanwhile in the bar, Bishop is enjoying a nice drink - not from the dog-bowl - and watching the Baron being chased out of the humper-corral by Geessuss with much bickering and shouting.

Barman: (Looking at the their pack animals) Are those prayer mats?

Bishop: Uhm, yes - would you like one? Very reasonably priced.

Barman: Well, my old one wore out. (Thinks). Go on then; I haven't prayed for a while.

Bishop: (He drags the pack of mats in and puts some of them on the bar) Here, take your pick.

Barman: Oh thanks - these are really good quality prayer mats. Hmm - really nice, (He takes one and nails it on the wall & starts to pray by going into a trance) Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Ohhhhhhhhm!!! Oh Great PysssQuari - help me (smash's his head on the rug and into the wall - Bishop jumps at this) deliver me from my (smash again ) pain and (smash) misery. Help relieve my (smash) suffering. Only you (smash) can help, oh, Great Truth-Teller!

Bishop: And he called me a fucking weirdo! (Walks over to the Baron) Come here, what the hell do you think you're doing. Leave them alone - you're an embarrassment to the whole Germanic race - if such a thing is possible - get over here. Drinking from the teat - and you a Baron - you should know better! (Drags him back into the bar)

Baron Zemo: But how could I know dey vere cattle - it's completely outrageous! She was nicht sehr understanding. It's eine simple mistake!

Bishop: Yeah, and you make'em all the time!

Voice from behind: You takers!

They both stop as the faintly familiar voice slowly registers in their shocked brains. They turn around slowly to see...

Baron Zemo: Aaaagh!

Bishop: Testy!

Tessticulatus: Give me back my prayer mats!

Baron Zemo: Aaaagh!

Tessticulatus: Rotten drooggie-droppings! Filthy takers!

Barman: We don't like takers around here! (The other people in the bar start to gather around the group in a tense and ugly mood)

Baron Zemo: But, but ve saw you shoot yourself!

Tessticulatus: I was resting. And when I woke up all my stuff was gone - give it back now you takers!

Baron Zemo: But you vent kaputt!

Tessticulatus: I don't think your recording device works very well - I couldn't hear a thing for all that loud bang noise!

Bishop: But you died! We saw you blow your brains out!

Tessticulatus: So what - they grew back!

Barman: (Taking a kean interest) Don't yours? (Hostile muttering from the crowd)

Baron Zemo: (The Baron is the first one to crack under the intense gaze) Uhm ja - all dey time!!

Barman: I don't believe you! Show me!

Baron Zemo: Uhm Ja sure! Look here, (Begins to point pistol at Bishop)

Bishop: Don't even think it!

Under the intense scrutiny the Baron is forced, much against his own will, to point the gun at this own head.


Meanwhile, in another part of town, the Surfer continues his search for his friends, looking in 'Scrotus Skratchin's Squishy Sex-Stop' bar.

Silver Surfer: (To a run-down android koozee, loitering at the bar) Have you seen two strangers around here?

Android Koozee: Have you seen this? (Lifts her skirt)

Silver Surfer: I beg your pardon. Uhm, I'm interested in finding my friends. Can you help?

Android Koozee: Why don't you find my openings, eh? They're much more interesting. Just help yourself!

Silver Surfer: What is wrong with you? Look stop it - have you seen a long dark person and a short white person?

Android Koozee: I can be whatever colour you like! Look! (Here skin flashes quickly through the spectrum!) Come on big boy - I can go all night - & all I need is a change of my come-bag! Come on - I've just had my orifices re-lined with Agarian Silk - smooth as velvet!

Silver Surfer: Velvet smooth as silk? Oh, stop it! I don't want any sex!

Android Koozee: Look, how's about this for an interesting position. (Turns back, bends over presenting her arse and then rotates 180 degrees at the waist to face him.) See you can play with my breasts while we screw! Come on, tighten my nipple-nutz!

Silver Surfer: No!

Android Koozee: Come on, what have you got against androids?

Silver Surfer: Nothing, just go away!

Android Koozee: What're you worried about, I'm broad minded! I'm an android, I don't have any morals - I'm the perfect guilt-free sex partner! You can abuse me and use me in any position or any way you like and you don't even have to worry about me getting off - coz I can't! Come on silver man let's have some fun!

Silver Surfer: NO!

Android Koozee: Oh, we're not good enough, that's it isn't it! Oh, we can clean your toilets, look after your humpers, even manage your babies - but sex? Oh, no, that would be toooooo disgusting! Tooooo weird!

Koozee androids were initially sold by the Mega-Cosmic Thrill Ultra-Corp. as the ultimate sex machine with the slogan - "Sex all night for the cost of a lightbulb!". The ideal sex-partner that openly craved humilation and abuse, enough to satisfy the most demanding pervert. Their flexible multi-jointed bodies were specially designed to withstand the rigours of deep-space and a night with a drunken-Geordie. Their tubal-linings were reinforced with Grade #1 nuclear-blast-proof self-moistening plastic aggregates and the adjustable-sizes could accommodate the most robust copulation with the most extreme dimensioned phallus - though not really a problem with a drunken-Geordie; the junior 'Agarian silk-worm' opening is usually sufficient in these cases.
However this industrial approach to sex had it's draw backs. People complained that it was just too perfect, the android koozees were just too compliant and too willing to demean themselves. The complex and intricate play of sexual power politics was sadly missing, when you could simply pull the plug on your partner.
The backlash against android sex lead to whole armies of unemployed android ex-koozees wandering the galaxies. There was a feeble attempt to re-employ them for other use, however hordes of nurse androids offering sex to geriatrics was frowned upon and even people with minds as broad as the She-Hulks arse were disgusted at what they did with sewage, and they were left to wander the backwaters plying their pitiful trade.


Meanwhile in the other bar the deadly bluff-calling goes on.
Barman: Well - we're waiting! (The crowd mutters some more - 'fracking hell, this is dragging on.', 'stop pushing there's nothing to see.', 'so why are you there?', 'you trying to be clever pal?', 'I've got drooggie-droppings smarter than you')

Tessticulatus: I wouldn't bother - it's a boring recording! Just (shouts) BANG!

Baron Zemo: Agh!

More crowd muttering - this crowd is really good at muttering. Not the usual Hollywood crowd of lanky extras muttering and posing - this is first rate muttering, along the lines of 'what the frack's going on?', 'where am I?', 'Isn't the fat one a humper-abuser?', 'I don't like the look of him', 'That's the barman you chud!'.

Barman: We're still waiting!

A long pause as everyone watches closely. The crowd very slowly begins to move inwards. The sweat seeps out from under the Baron's mask.

Bishop: (Mimicking the Baron) Ja - all dey time!!

Barman: Come on, get on with it!

Suddenly the Baron shouts 'BANG' and falls to the ground, rolls round a couple times muttering...

Baron Zemo: oh my head - vere are my brains! (Stops for a minute or two and then suddenley jumps up again) I feel vunderbar! (His act is greeted by a stunned silence.)

Barman: That's funny...

Baron Zemo: (a worried look plays his face) - Vat do you mean?

Barman: It usually takes a day!

The crowd move towards the pair but suddenly the Baron sticks his gun in Testy's bottom.

Baron Zemo: Get back, oder I vill shoot him in die ass!

Voice in Crowd: He won't hear anything down there.

Bishop: Don't annoy him - I'll deal with this. Now relax, don't get excited.

Baron Zemo: Excited? Excited? I've had nutink but ficken bad luck. First dey stoopid deemunds fly avay, den ve get lost, nicht my fault - stoopid ficken umberella, den dat stoopid ficken thing vouldn't give us any wasser, und when we found some he shot a ficken hole in dey bag - so once again nicht wasser for meir! Und den dat stoopid Jesus woman wouldn't let mier talk to sie frauleins! I've had it! I've just ficken had it! I'm going to kill everyone - dere muzt be a vay to kill you stoopid ficken people und I vill find it - und den I vill rule sie welt!

Bishop: Now, take it easy, I know you've had a hard few days - ain't been easy for me eyether.

Tessticulatus: Eether!

Bishop: Shut up! But look this ain't the way to go (moves forward), just lighten up will you? Here let me help..(Kicks the Baron in the balls)

Baron Zemo: Ach du ieber gott - my balls!

Bishop: Here have some free prayer mats (Kicking the bundle into the muttering crowd - 'Oh, that's very generous of him.', 'I don't think they're his', 'oh, shut up mother!', 'I'm not buying them a drink!' - grabs the Baron and drags him out and they start running.) I feel vunderbar! Come on, keep up you fat idiot, they're catching up.

Baron Zemo: Ach du ieber gott - my balls! You schweinhund - you kicked my ficken balls! Wait fur meir! Please don't leave meir here - hilfe meir!

Suddenly a powerful hand lifts the Baron into the air and onto a drooggie. Bishop sees this and jumps on as well. The trio race into the desert leaving the chasing horde - well alright, the chasing crowd? OK have it your way - the chasing few!

Out in the desert.
Bishop: Surfer! Are we glad to see you! Where you been?

Silver Surfer: I have been scouring the planet searching for you. Why did you leave that place?

Bishop: That would be our dear friend the Baron. He was running around collecting diamonds. I followed him and we got lost. Then the diamonds flew away!

Silver Surfer: (Pause) Bugs! You were collecting bugs??

Baron Zemo: I didn't know - how could I? Dey looked just like real deemunds!

Silver Surfer: You must adapt to your environment or you will suffer!

Baron Zemo: Ja - grosse suffering already! But dey looked like real deemunds - how could I know dey vere hibernating boogs??

Bishop: Listen you schnitzelgrubber - you ain't in Germany now! You're on another planet in a different fracking galaxy - so get fucking real!

Silver Surfer: Enough of this bickering - our quest draws to a close - Grotus knows where the Kai is.

Bishop: Yeah, and get this, he's been kissing cattle!

Baron Zemo: Nein! Nein! They were not cattle! They were real frauleins!

Bishop: Give it a rest! Didn't you get suspicious when they kept saying 'coooooo' and let you suck their titties??

Baron Zemo: I thought dey liked me!

Bishop: Yeah, (Looking the Baron up & down & sneering) - you're totally fucking irresistable!!