The Quest for the Kai.

The Quest for the Kai: Part 5.

The story so far:
Part 1: After consulting the Dudley Oracle the Silver Surfer starts his search for the thing known as the 'Kai' whilst Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid discuss the possibility of Galactus having a period.

Part 2: Bishop instructs his students in hostage taking with Baron Zemo and the Surfer asks for help in his search; the Baron joins the quest.

Part 3: A starship, of sorts, is created, the Surfer finds Grotus Squaley - who may know where the 'Kai' is - but then gets trapped in D-space.

Part 4: Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid go looking for the Surfer who manages to escape D-space, whilst Bishop & Baron Zemo end up getting lost in the desert (as a result of the Baron collecting diamonds which turn out to be Arid Crystal-beetles).


Two figues walk slowly across a barren landscape as three merciless alien suns beat down on their heads.

Bishop: Look, there's another diamond! Don't you want to pick it up!

Baron Zemo: Dat is nicht amusing! I did not know dey vas eine boogs! (They walk on for another hour or so.) How much longer do ve have to do dis? Dis ist grosse insufferable! Die hitze ist sehr extreme.(Pause) Einz sun was not enough for dem, zwei sun was not enough fur dem, no, these veirdos have to have drei suns! (They walk on again.) Meine lederhosen is making pimples on my pumpernickel!

Bishop: Know what you mean - My poopang's been itching for the last mile!

Baron Zemo: Vat the hell's a poopang?

Bishop: Asshole!

Baron Zemo: I only asked a simple question - there's no need to..

Bishop: Poopang means asshole (Makes like he's finished, but he ain't!) asshole!

Baron Zemo: Ah, I see. Vhy don't you scratch it - I'll look away.

Bishop: Thank you - but I can put up with it!

Baron Zemo: Don't be shy - here, you can use meine Luger to reach der spot!

Bishop: No thanks! Now put that away before I stick it up your poopang!

Baron Zemo: Alright, alright. I was only trying to be friendly.( They walk on.)I'm boiling, I muzt get out of dis Sandwueste.

Bishop: Why don't you take that stupid mask off? Get yourself some air!

Baron Zemo: Nein, dat is unmoeglich - nicht possible!

Bishop: Why not? Who the hell cares what you look like out here!

Baron Zemo: It is nicht possible because...(pause & pause again)...it is glued to meine face!

Bishop: (Bishop stops & looks at Zemo) You pulling my poolang? Right? (pause) Glued to your face?

Baron Zemo: Ja, glued to my face!

Bishop: That is the most stupidest thing I've ever heard in my whole life. You have to be the dumbest muther of all pootangs in the universe. Didja never think you may have to remove it someday?? Jeez, what a complete poolang!

Baron Zemo: It vasn't planned you know. It was an accident during a fight with Captain (spits on ground) America.

Bishop: A fight? I suppose that was another Master Plan that went kaputt! Look at you know - stuck in the desert and sweating your balls off. Was it worth it? Was it?

Baron Zemo: If he hadn't interefered I vood...

Bishop: Yeah, yeah, yeah! If, if if! A lot of misery hangs on that word! When are you ever gonna learn! Your a born loser and you'll stay a born loser - coz ya don't think it through! Look at you - you're short, over-weight, outta breath with a stupid mask glued to yer face! And your wearing Cavalry boots, Lederhosen and a fur collar! What in the world made you wear leather shorts??

Baron Zemo: I didn't know ve vould end up valking through a ficken desert! Besides, I wanted to represent my culture to der Universe!

Bishop: Culture? If I was you I'd keep quiet about those war-mongering pootangs!

They walk on.

Baron Zemo: You know vat? (Bishop silent) Dis ist nicht der career dat I vanted! You know vat I wanted? (More silence) I vanted to be ein cirkus clown. Ja - strange as it may seem, that was my fondest vish! You know, with the funny boots, the wierd pants mit die amusing face und der auto mit der exploding engine. Ja, dat vas vat I vanted to be.

Bishop: From where I'm standing - you made it big time!

Baron Zemo: Dat is nicht amusing!

Bishop: Look around ya - see anyone who cares?

More walking and then they round a dune and see a tall slim alien sitting by 2 Drooggies.

Drooggies - Camel-like creatures which travel the great deserts shunning water & living off the fat deposits in their hump - to the untutored eye they can appear very similiar to camels. They usually have a benign and doleful personality, much given to chewing desert-weeds, spitting and taking long slow walks. However, if aroused, not sexually but more in bad temper, they are mean, vicious and more spiteful than a short-changed koozee on a friday night.
Drooggies are famous for two things; one they are notoriously constipated, no doubt due to the lack of water intake, but when they do go, their feaces are unbearably noxious and foul-smelling. And the second thing is they have a top speed of 35 miles per hour. But to achieve this you have to, climb on & strap yourself down and sing the ancient Drooggie love song whilst crushing sprigs of lavander under their noses and then, when the beast is completely relaxed and placid - get your friend to kick them in the grotods!
Incidentally the ancient Drooggie love song was composed by Gobu the Eternally Lonely and goes like:
'A kiss from your drooggie is worth two from a koozee,
A wink from your drooggie is worth a wank from a koozee,
A smile from your drooggie is worth a shag from a koozee,
I love my drooggie do, yes I do I dodee do!
Oh dance with your drooggie in the desert moonlight'
Gobu the Eternally Lonely continues in this vein, praising drooggies and denigrating koozees, for a considerable time. These types of blatently untrue lyrics are commonly known as the 'Jackson Curses'; wherein overtly gay and peadophilically-inclined males sing songs about screwing 'Billie Jean'. The falsehoods contained in the Drooggie love song can be quite easily revealed when we compare the number of drooggie sex-workers (zero) and the number of koozee pack herds (thankfully zero). Gobu the Eternally Lonely unfortunately went mad and died broke when his musical, '7 Drooggies for 7 Brothers', failed to find an audiance, indeed it even failed to find a stage. It's premier was marred when the audiance objected violently to the first bedroom scene as the trained drooggie entered on it's hind-legs in a peep-hole bra and crotchless-panties.

Bishop: Hey look, we found someone! Our troubles are over!

Baron Zemo: Oder dey could be starting!

Bishop: Hey, there! (The Alien ignores them as they approach) Hey! Excuse Mr Alien.

The Alien: (Turning around & speaking in a high, effeminate voice) What do you mean Alien? I live here!

Bishop: Uhm, sorry - so what's you name?

The Alien: My designation is "eeeiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeiiiiiiiiooooooooeeeeeeeeiiiiiii "?

Bishop: You don't have a nickname, do you? Like Chip or Skip?

The Alien with the Silly Name: Chip? Chip? Did you call me 'Chip*' - well, the idea of it!! I've never been so insulted in all my timeline! Really, the idea of it - it's outrageous! (Pause) If you must know, I am also known as Tessticulatus!
(*a person who's father-prime copulates with Drooggies.)

Bishop: Uhm, sorry again. We're strangers!

Tessticulatus: You seem to know each other reasonably well.

Bishop: No, no, we're not strangers to each other, we're just strangers here.

Tessticulatus: What? Just that bit of sand there? You seem very parochial to go on about it.

Bishop: No, no. We're strangers to this whole planet!

Tessticulatus: What do you mean this planet? (Mounting dread) There are others?

Bishop: Uhm, yes!

Tessticulatus: What!! (Falling to ground & sweeping) Oh Great PysssQuari! What have you done?? You said we were the only ones! Curse your Grotods and smite your Paleeys - what have you done to us?? Oh, the shame of living a lie! I curse you Gods, and the men that made you!!

Bishop: Look, this is getting us no where!

Baron Zemo: Give us die informatzione you vierdo!

Bishop: That's right - make more friends, why don't you? Travel the universe and insult indigenious races. Listen Testy, we just need some information.

Tessticulatus: Information? Information? You've just invalidated my entire belief system, totally invalidated an ancient culture, shattered my concept of the post-life, ruined my merchant-hood and now, you just want some information? Oh Great PysssQuari preserve us! Oh, damm, I can't even take that liar's name in vain; there's no point! Ruined, I'm a totally ruined merchant!

Bishop: How the hell did we ruin your trade?

Tessticulatus: I (indicating the bundle next to him) sell Prayer Mats! (Pause) Oh, what's the meaning of it all - I ask you! Oh, there's no point asking you, you'd only depress me more; besides what kind of information do you require?

Bishop: That's more like it! Do you know where the Maji live?

Tessticulatus: What all of them? There's over a Skaris* - I couldn't possibly know all their locations. It's totally unreasonable! What do you want to know for? Does someone owe you credits?

Skaris is a unit of measure, roughly equivalent to 'very many things'; like the number of leaves on all the trees in a small wood but not like the number of bacterium in a pile of Drooggie-droppings - that would be a Skoolie - 'a lot of very many things'.

Baron Zemo: Vat is dis crap? I've had enough of him! (Pointing gun) Tell us where they are or I vill shoot?

Tessticulatus: Oh, is that a recording device? (Speaking into the barrel of the gun) Hello! Hello Spawner-One, hello Spawner-Two, hello Father-Prime. Hello everyone!

The Tehook-ra have a complex system of gestation where the foetus is passed around 5 or more persons. For Tessticulatus, spawner-one was the zygote-creator, spawner-two the first trimester carrier and the father-prime the final carrier. Many have argued this allows a sharing of the birth-process and engenders maternal feelings in multiple parents. Critics have said, all this is just an excuse to dump the brats without feeling guilty. Needless to say, this idea of 'pass-the-foetus' has not caught on with other races, for whom the joy of gestation is still confined to the lucky females.

Bishop: Getaway from there!!! Put that thing down or I'm going to shove it so far up your poopang you'll be shitting bullets for a week!

Baron Zemo: Alright alright, it's done it's done! (Throwing it on the ground) Vhat a grouch!

Bishop: Now, my friend, we just...

Tessticulatus: Friend? What do you mean friend? I don't recognise you! Did we go to school together? Or did we udder-feed off the same Father-Prime? I think I'd remember you!

Bishop: It's just a saying alright. Look, we

Tessticulatus: Where? Where? (Spinning around) Where do you want me to look! It's very confusing, you're not pointing at anything!

Bishop: Jesus H fucking Christ!! - will ya let me finish!

Tessticulatus: You know Geesuss?? Fafafafa, I'm impressed! (Pause) She's the best Humper-herder in the district! Woowee - you koozees really get around!

Bishop: What're you on about? What the hell's a Koozee??

Baron Zemo: My feet are killing meir - dese Cavalry boots are nicht made for ze desert walking. (Sitting down on the bundle of Prayer Mats)

Tessticulatus: Sai Pai!! Sai Pai! What are doing? Get off there?

Baron Zemo: Vat? Vat? Vat have I done??

Tessticulatus: Your sitting on my sacred Prayed Mats, you un-pure - it's not allowed.

Baron Zemo: Vat do you mean? You know your belief system is Kaputt - how can they be sacred anymore?

Tessticulatus: I know that, but (indicating the bundle) they don't.

Bishop: Alright alright - get your fat white sauerkraut ass offa his prayer mats! Look friend, we...

Tessticulatus: Again you are not pointing! What is the matter with you?

Baron Zemo: Ve just vant a drink of wasser, you crazy Steifer*!
(*German for prick.)

Tessticulatus: Wasser? What's that?

Baron Zemo: Vadda ya mean vat's dat? It's vater you stupid Trottel*!!
(*German for moron.)

Bishop: Let me handle this. It's a clear tasteless liquid made of up of hyrdogen and oxygen and essential for our bio-systems! Do you have any?

Tessticulatus: Oh, you mean the thing my Drooggies like! (Indicating his animals) There's a pouch-full in one of the packs.

They both run to the animals and start looking at the various packs - the Baron is almost manic in his searching!

Baron Zemo: Got it! Dis muzt be it! (They tenatively tip a bit out!) Vat do you tink?

Bishop: I don't know! (Filling two large cups and sniffing carefully) Smells kinda funny! I don't think they emptied the pouch before filling it.

Baron Zemo: Vat do you expect - it's for ze animals. (Pause) Go on, have some - it will revive you!

Bishop: (Cautious pause) No, it's OK - you go on!

Baron Zemo: Nein, I insist, as a German Officer und a Gentleman, dat you have die first drink. It is only good manners! Nicht war?

Bishop: No, no no! You need it more than me - you've been suffering terribly. (Pause) Go on, you know you want to.

Baron Zemo: (Pause as the Baron considers this, his doubts fight his raging thirst) Kacke! Kacke! Kacke! (Pause) OK - ve do it together. (They grip the cups tightly) On die count of 3 - (Pause whilst both lick their chapped lips.) einz, zwei (they eye each other intensely) drei. (Bishop empties his cup of the clear odourless liquid but the Baron fakes it and stops)

Bishop: (He realises what has happened) You bastard! You conned me!

Baron Zemo: Purely good economics! No use both of us being tot*! Vell? How is it? (Straining to stop his arm automatically bringing the cup to his cracked dry lips)
(*German for dead)

The doleful animals stare ruefully at the two men

Bishop: Tastes kinda strange...

Baron Zemo: How strange? Just wierd strange or nicht Wasser strange?

Bishop: No, it's OK, go ahead (Baron raises the cup to his lips) it's... aagghh...(gasping)...ah...ah

Baron Zemo: (Jerking the cup away from his parched lips) Vat? Vat?

Bishop: I can't......breath! It's....burning...

Baron Zemo: Vas? Nein nein! Nicht die toten! (Throws the cup away in disgust)

Bishop: (whisper) I can't bre...........help me...hel...(Bishop passes out)

Baron Zemo: Scheisse! Scheisse! Scheisse! Scheisse! Nicht gut! Don't tot on meir. Pleese meine freund! Please nicht toten! Toten ist verboten!

He sits on the ground hugging Bishop's body, wimpering and then starts to sing the Death song from The Nibelungen Cycle, which goes something like - 'oh woe is me - he is dead - dead as can be - Siegfried is dead - not alive but dead - before he was smiling now he is rotting - oh woe is me - his grosse steifer is kaput - my scheide is empty before is was full - but ach he is dead - oh Siegfried your Kriemhild is lonely' and so on in a similiar vein for a tediously large amount of time. It was songs like these that inspired the Teutonic mentality of invading strange countries - anything to get away from those ficken songs!

Bishop: Haha!

Baron Zemo: Vas?

Bishop: Hahahaha(Getting up laughing) Why Baron, I never knew you cared!!

Baron Zemo: Schweinhund! Dis is nicht amusing! I've been crying real tears und I'm already dehydrated! Dis is nicht amusing!

Bishop: Yeah, yeah, you were ready to watch me die, you bastard!

Baron Zemo: Schweinhund! Schweinhund! I vill shoot you fur dis! Wo ist my pistole!

He looks over and sees Tessticulatus holding his gun.

Tessticulatus: Can I listen to my recording?

Baron Zemo: Nein, dumpkopf! Stop it!

Tessticulatus holds the gun to his head and points the barrel into his ear.

Tessticulatus: I can't hear anything. Where's the 'on' switch?

Both: (Both running towards Tessticulatus) No no no! Stop! That's dangerous. Nein nein!

Tessticulatus: Is this i.. BANG!!!(The bullet flies clean through Tessticulatus' head and out the other side, narrowly missing the onrushing duo; he drops to the ground with a large hole where his ear should be.)

Bishop: (Running up and looking down at the body in disbelief) GREAT!! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GREAT! The first person we meet ends up shooting himself in the head! FUCKING GREAT! (Turning on the Baron) Why the hell did you leave it there?

Baron Zemo: You told me to drop zit!

Bishop: You are one sweet motherhumping stupid Kraut!!

Baron Zemo: Besides it has saved meir die bother - I vas going to kill him und steal the animals. Dis vay he hast saved meir die trouble. I muzt be turning in to a gut guy - nicht war?

Bishop: (The look on Bishop's face can be best described as trying to suck a dog-turd through a straw! Then a sly smile plays softly on his lips) That ain't all. You know that bullet, which just missed us?

Baron Zemo: Ja, what about it?

Bishop: Look what it hit!

The Baron turns slowly with mounting dread to see - the bullet has passed clean through the water pouch and it lies on the ground - empty & completely drained.

Baron Zemo: Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein! (Running towards the pouch, squeezing the last few drops into his mouth and then scrambling in the dirt sucking the wet, but fast drying, sand. He chokes on the sand and is forced to spit it out.) Dis is nicht ficken fair!

Bishop: I don't know what you're bitchin about; (Pauses, as he smiles slowly) I had my drink!