The Quest for the Kai.

The Quest for the Kai: Part 2.

The silliness continues.

The story so far:
Part 1: After consulting the Dudley Oracle the Silver Surfer starts his search for the thing known as the 'Kai' whilst Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid discuss the possibility of Galactus having a period.

At X-Mansions the Fighting Skills Intermediate Course is under way.

Bishop: Alright, back to business. Classes are back-up. We're doing (consulting clipboard) unit EH-71, basic hostage-taking and negotiating skills. Now, to help us out today and to make it more realistic, we're lucky to have the services of a genuine Super-Villian. This guys duked it out it with some of the A list super-heroes, so let's have a round of applause for........Baron Zemo. Baron Zemo!

Polite but, distinctly luke-warm clapping.

Baron Zemo: Danke danke. Guten morgen damen und herren!

Bishop: Hey, mac, easy on the Deutsche-sprechen, these kids have enough trouble with English!

Baron Zemo: Ja OK, sure buddy, vat ever you say. Kool!

Bishop: OKaaaay - gonna start with a Q&A for the Baron. Anyone? OK, go ahead.

Boom Boom: Why do you always fight the same super-hero - doesn't it get boring?

Baron Zemo: It's become a bit personal - you know like a clash of ze teetuns!

Guthrie - Cannonball: A clash of tits?

Baron Zemo: Teetuns, from Greek mythology. (Turning to Bishop) Don't you educate these kids. I thought this vas a school!

Kitty Pryde: Why do you wear that mask? Are you deformed like Dr Doom?

Baron Zemo: Nein, nicht. I am not deformed! I vear die mask fur anonimity. Some people consider me remarkably handsome.

Magma: Why do you call yerself a Baron - Germany's a democracy now! There's no artistocracy!

Baron Zemo: I have every right to be a Baron - not my fault the German monarchy fell! I'm still the same person.

Magma: Sort of like Anastasia!

Baron Zemo: I'm nothing like ficken Anastasia - that's a stupid ficken cartoon.

Bishop: Waitaminute! Is ficken German for fucking?

Baron Zemo: Ja - you bet your ficken ass!

Bishop: Alright enough of the swearing, we got kids here!

Karma: I have a question. What would you do if you took over the world?

Baron Zemo: Vat wouldn't I do? (sly smile playing under the mask & nodding his head)

Bishop: So you wanna rule the world, eh? What, all of it?

Baron Zemo: Ja - all of it.

Bishop: What, including Afghanistan? With all them mad mullahs?

Baron Zemo: Ja, even Afghanistan.

Bishop: What, even Falluja in Baghdad? With all those suicide bombers?

Baron Zemo: Ja, even dat place.

Bishop: What, even Bosnia & Herzogovina?

Baron Zemo: Vhere der hell's dat?

Bishop: You want to rule the world and you don't even know all the countries!

Baron Zemo: Who can keep up with all diese pissy little states? It's not a rrreasonable expectation. I'm a busy man.

Bishop: OK, so what's your timetable for this?

Baron Zemo: Vas? Vat do you mean?

Bishop: Well, when's it going to happen? Next five years? Ten years? Fifteen years? How long you going to give it?

Baron Zemo: Vat's vith this Stalinist Year plans? It takes as long as it takes.

Bishop: Yes, but you've been at it for sixty years and you haven't achieved anything! Isn't it time to reconsider your occupational choices?

Baron Zemo: Nien Nein! Der velt oder nutink!

Bishop: OK - thanks for that. So, there you have it. A typical Super-villian, a complete loser.

Baron Zemo: Hey!

Bishop: Now you know why the good guys like kicking their ass! OK, we're going to do simulation, work up your negotiating skills.


Meanwhile in the grounds of the X-mansion.

Silver Surfer: Ladies, would you mind waiting here while I go and see someone. (Indicating a garden bench)

Mrs D: Have you got a travel rug? This chill is getting to my varicose veins!

Silver Surfer: No, I don't have a rug - I try to travel light.

Mrs D: It's this solar star - it's not very warm!

Mrs G: Do you want another one?

Mrs D: Oh, would you? That'd be an aweful help. Could you make it a blue flame one, they're ever so pretty at dusk!

Silver Surfer: NO! NO! You mustn't! All this is a delicate ecosystem, it couldn't cope with an extra sun. Just wait here and I'll be back shortly.

Mrs G: OK dear, I'll just get on with my knitting.

Mrs D: Oh what are you making dear?

Mrs G: It's a woollen dust cover for my old man's helmet - it's a pain keeping that thing clean. And he wants it nice and shiny all the time!

Both: Typical!


Meanwhile back in the classroom.

Bishop: Can I have 2 volunteers? A boy and a girl - how about Guthrie and Sunspot?

Sunspot: Hey!

Bishop: Quit moanin and git down here! (They come down) OK - scenario is that our Super-villian, the Baron here, has taken a hostage, you be the hostage Sunspot, and Guthrie here is going to defuse the situation! Everyone in position? OK - go for it!

Guthrie: Hey dude, how's it hanging?

Baron Zemo: Vat the hell's he talking about?

Sunspot: Hey, not so tight!

Baron Zemo: Quiet or I will shoot you, schweinhund!

Bishop: Come on Guthrie! Get on with it!

Guthrie: Uhm, so, what's your name?

Bishop: You gonna ask him for a freaking date or what? Come on man - get to it!

Guthrie: OK - uhm, look I know things ain't worked out the way you wanted them to - but listen - (approaching the Baron) this isn't the way to go. Look, let her go -

Sunspot: Hey!

Guthrie: ...and take me instead. I don't care what happens...(he is now within armslength of the Baron)..to me.

Baron Zemo: Vell - I don't know - she schmells gut und...

Guthrie: DIE NAZI MUTHERFUCKER!!! (Kicks the Baron in the balls)

Baron Zemo: Ach du liebergott - my balls!! (Falls to the floor clutching his groin) My balls my balls! - he kicked me in sie ficken balls. Ach, mutter-ficken yankee.

Bishop: What do you expect if you threaten his girlfriend!

Sunspot: Hey!

Baron Zemo: Ach my balls!

Bishop: Quit yer bichtin, yer getting paid by the hour. Alright who'as a telepath here? (Rachel Summers puts her hand up) Knock out his pain sensors willya, so we can continue!


In the garden the Surfer sees Jubilee.

Jubilee: Hi.

Silver Surfer: Hello, I am looking for the man called Bishop - do you know where he is?

Jubilee: He's taking a Phys Ed class now - who are they?

Silver Surfer: They are very powerful sentient beings from another galaxy. You must not, on any account, annoy them. Their power is limitless.

Jubilee: Oh wow!

Silver Surfer: And most importantly, you must not, absolutely must not, engage them in conversation!

Jubilee: Why? Do they have powers like Black Bolt.

Silver Surfer: No, (dropping his head) they are very, very.....boring! Please stay here and stand guard. I will be back shortly.

Jubilee: What am I guarding them from?

Silver Surfer: Themselves!

Mrs D: Hello dear, coooeey! Oooooooo, she's a pretty thing!

Mrs G: Who're you waving to dear?

Mrs D: One of those walking insects.

Mrs G: Oh, do you want me to swat it?

Mrs D: No dear, let it be - it's ever so pretty!


Meanwhile back in the classroom.

Bishop: You wanna have a go girl - see what you you can do?

Karma: OK, sure Mr Bishop! Uhm, (coughs) ehm...let's see... defuse the situation.

Bishop: In your time, but like in this freaking millenium!

Karma: OK - here. (Coughs and concentrates and then suddenly lunges at the Baron) PUT THE HOSTAGE DOWN MOTHER-FUCKER OR I'LL EAT YOUR FUCKING HEART! DO IT NOW, SHIT-FACE!!

Baron Zemo: Ja, Ja, OK kool it! It's done it's done! Jesus Ficken Christ - vat kind of psychos are you educating??

Bishop: Alright! Outstanding! (Writing on his clipboard, looks up and sees the Surfer standing by the door) Hang on a minute - I'll be right back. (Walking over) What's up Surfy? What's with the Ironing board?

Silver Surfer: Don't ask! I must speak with you about an urgent ma....(his voice trails away as he sees Baron Zemo standing behind Bishop) Who is the fat little man?

Bishop: Oh him, he's helping us out in our hostage class.

Baron Zemo: Guten morgen mein herr? How are you? I am Baron Zemoooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh my balls! (Clutching his balls he falls to the ground again) Schizenkopf! Vat's happening? Der are sehr ficken painfull again! Aaaahhhhhh!

Bishop: Rachel!

Rachel: Sorry, I got distracted!!

Silver Surfer: Interesting. Lord Galactus has seen the heavens in turmoil and the natural forces of the universe are out of alignment. The Oracle says someone is looking for the Kai. Do you know of such an object?

Bishop: The Kai eh? Neverheard of that, but there is the Kay. Could that be it?

Silver Surfer: It may well be - the word Kai is not strictly accurate - (pause) there was a problem (pause) in the translation. Can you come with me now? There are 'others' with me, they can not be left unattended.

Bishop: Sure, why not? I've taught these kids all I know about kicking people in the gonads!

Baron Zemo: I vill come as well. I shall enjoy an intergalactic adventure.

Bishop: Oh, no you don't. You just stay here and get your balls kicked in!

Silver Surfer: He may be of use - what powers does he have?

Bishop: He has no powers, just the ability to annoy the hell outta me! (Bishop winks at Rachel).

Baron Zemo: I am a master straaaaahhhh, (falls to the floor again, clutching his crotch), you schweinhund - you aahhh are ficken doing this...aaaghhh on purpose. I vill not be....aaghhh ficken denied! I am a strategic tactician! Aghhh!

Silver Surfer: What is the matter with him? Why does he keep doing that?? And is he right?

Bishop: Come on, get real - he's a Super-Villian; he ain't interested in helping anyone!

Baron Zemo: Nein, nein. Aghhh! I am aghhh, trrrrrryyyyyyying aaagh, to reform. Aghhh! Schizenkopf dis ist aaaaaaghhh, sehr ficken painful. Aghhh!

Silver Surfer: Would it be possible to continue this conversation without him screaming?

Baron Zemo: Ja, Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Nicht, screaming! Stooooop it!

Bishop: Alright, alright (waves at Rachel).

Silver Surfer: I repeat, is he right?

Bishop: Well,(reluctantly) he has a certain rat-like cunning!

Baron Zemo: (Getting up & brushing himself down) Danke schon!

Back in the garden.

Mrs G: Oh look dear, our slave's back with more walking insects!

Mrs D: Hmm, I'm not too keen on the little fat one.

Bishop: What's with the shopping trolleys?

Baron Zemo: Who are diese crazy ficken broads?

Silver Surfer: I shall explain later, we must leave. Come ladies, time to go; our quest continues.

The Surfer's Cosmic Ironing board is somewhat crowded as it flies through the heavens - it has the Surfer standing center, Bishop sitting on the front, Baron Zemo sitting on the back and a large trunk - with a large Baronial crest - slung underneath.

Bishop: Like I was saying, the Kay was last heard of somewhere in the 3rd Quadrent, near Celestial Prime - that's where we gotta go.

Silver Surfer: If it is Celestial Prime then we need to speak to Grotus Squaley!

Baron Zemo: Wow - I can't believe zit! I'm actually going on ze intergalactic adventure. (Pause) Herr Surfer, vhy is dere a hole in your board?

Bishop: Stop bothering the Surfer willya, freaking Nazi!

Baron Zemo: Stop dat! I am not a Nazi! Dis is a total lie! An outrageous slur! I am an officer of ze Vehrmacht!

Bishop: Yeah, yeah! Shut the fuck up or I'll kick you offa the board - turn you into a freaking Kraut comet!

They fly off into the stars.