The Quest for the Kai.

Cast of Characters

Silver Surfer – Herald of Lord Galactus & a mournful soul

Mrs Galactus – Wife of Lord Galactus

Mrs Darkseid – Wife of the New God DarkSeid

Pedantica Oracle – A Cave dwelling fortune teller from Dudley in the West Midlands

Bishop – A huge black-man from the future with very little patience

Baron Zemo – a short squat fading Nazi super-villain on hard-times, has the misfortune to have his mask glued to his face

Grotus Squaley – an inveterate speaker and know-all

Tessticulatus – A literally minded alien who’s world-view is radically altered

Penilo – One of the Maji

& Other Assorted Characters.

The Quest for the Kai: Part 1.

An on-going tale of cosmic wierdos doing some very silly things.

In a dark cave on a miserable wretch of a planet, the Silver Surfer consults Pedantica, the all-seeing Oracle.

Silver Surfer: Oh wise Oracle, you who can see What Will Be..

Oracle: (Old crackly voice) And What May Not Be..

Silver Surfer: And What May Not Be..who...

Oracle: Depending on the Intricate Play of Infinite Possibilities.

Silver Surfer: ehm, Depending on the Intricate Play of Infinite Possibilities...

Oracle: But Not Probabilities!

Silver Surfer: What? Oh, Qwarking Tatties! Can we get on?

Oracle: (Strong Brummie accent) Yes - what is it?

Silver Surfer: I have a question!

Oracle: I was only outlining the difficulties in foretelling the future. It's not like watching telly you know...

Silver Surfer: The question!

Oracle: Yes! (Crackly voice again - non-Brummie voice) Ask!

Silver Surfer: I have a question..

Oracle: You have a question!

Silver Surfer: My Lord Galactus is troubled.

Oracle: Your Lord Galactus is troubled.

Silver Surfer: He sees the heavens in turmoil.

Oracle: He sees the heavens in turmoils.

Silver Surfer: Stop it! Stop repeating what I say. It's very annoying!

Oracle: (Strong Brummie accent) I was only clarifying what you said.

Silver Surfer: There's nothing to clarify. Can I ask my question?

Oracle: Alright - get on with it then.

Silver Surfer: All this stuff - what's causing it?

Oracle: (Crackly old voice) Yes, that is a question. A question that is. Is that a question, a question is that!

Silver Surfer: Can we please get on!

Oracle: A is that question, is that question a? A that question is, is a that question?

Silver Surfer: You've done all the variations on four fracking words; NOW CAN WE PLEEEEASE GET ON!!!

Oracle: One more, question that is a! (Surfer slaps her on the head) Oww!

Silver Surfer: (low growling). Get on with it!

Oracle: (Old crackly voice again) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you have tried to peer beyond the veil of possibilities...

Silver Surfer: You don't say!

Oracle: but not probabilities...

Silver Surfer: I'm warning you. You're really trying my patience.

Oracle: There is confusion in the four winds. The Destroyer is seeking the...

Silver Surfer: The Destroyer? & who is that?

Oracle: He is the Nameless One!

Silver Surfer: Nameless eh? & what does he look like?

Oracle: He is also the Faceless One!

Silver Surfer: Faceless eh? & how does he appear?

Oracle: He Can Not Be Seen.

Silver Surfer: Nameless Faceless & Invisible! What the qwarking chuds are you on about?? Stop orbiting around & get on with it!

Oracle: (Shamefaced - Strong Brummie accent)oh, you'r every rude! As I was saying the Destroyer is seeking the...(Old crackly voice again) the mists are parting...The Destroyer is seeking...

Silver Surfer: You said that already!

Oracle: He's seeking the....

Silver Surfer: Yes!

Oracle: ...the YaaaeWaiaEiooeKaaeYaYaYaNoiWayWay.....(silence)

Silver Surfer: what?

Oracle: He's seeking the YaaaeWaia.....

Silver Surfer: I know what you said - Great steaming chuds! What does it mean??

Oracle: (Strong Brummie accent) It's very difficult to translate! You know, not everything can be translated into English. Did you know the Skrulls have over 200 words for shape? And the Kree have no word for that time just before you eat your dinner and after you've washed your hands!

Silver Surfer: I'm warning you - you're this close to feeling a Cosmic blast up one of your orifices! (Pause) What does the YaaaeWaiaEiooeKaaeYaYaNoiWayWay mean?

Oracle: Well that means 'I liberally satisfy cosmic chickens'.

Silver Surfer: What?

Oracle: You left out a 'Ya'. (Scream as a cosmic blast hits the old woman's crusty ring).

Silver Surfer: I warned you!

Oracle: My finger! You burnt my finger!

Silver Surfer: I warned you!

Oracle: (Crackly old voice) The YaaaeWaiaEiooeKaaeYaYaNoiWayWay translates as...

Silver Surfer: Stop the dramatic pauses and get on with it.

Oracle: It transaltes as the 'kai'.

Silver Surfer: (Pause) What? (Disbelieving silence) All that 'YaaaWaiWaiWooWooPooPooPaaPaa' translates into 'Kai'?

Oracle: (Strong Brummie accent) I didn't say that! You're misquoting me!

Silver Surfer: Oh, What the fracking tatties did I do to deserve this? (Pause - great cosmic self-restraint) What is the Kai?

Oracle: It's this thing.

Silver Surfer: Thing?

Oracle: Yes - this thing!

Silver Surfer: So, let em get this right, The Destroyer..just a minute - is that his real name?

Oracle: Uhm.....well....strictly speaking.....ehm....no. (Pause) I made that up!

Silver Surfer: So, someone...

Oracle: or something...

Silver Surfer: or something is looking...

Oracle: seeking...

Silver Surfer: seeking the...

Oracle: or searching. (Angry glare from the Surfer) Eh, looking is good!

Silver Surfer: Someone or something is looking for the thing.

Oracle: Yes. That's it precisely! Absolutely spot on!

Silver Surfer: (Getting up) Thank you. You've been most helpful. I'll be sure to (hint of a threat) mention it to my Lord Galactus.
(A worried look comes over the old crone).


Outside, waiting for him, are Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid with their Cosmic Star-Crossing Shopping Trolleys.


Mrs G: Ohh, look he's back! What kept you so long in that dingy place?

Mrs D: Oh, it's ever so dingy! She should brighten it up!

Mrs G: Yes, brighten it up - some magnolia paint on those walls would be very nice.

Mrs D: Yes, very nice. (Pause) She's not from around here, is she?

Silver Surfer: No, she's from.....Dudley! (Climbing on his Cosmic Ironing Board). She must be the most annoying woman in the entire universe! Come ladies, we must leave.

Mrs G: Just a moment dear, I've got my trolley handle caught in my knickers.

Mrs D: I told you to ride side-saddle, riding like that you're bound to suffer aggravation of your unmentionables!

Mrs G: Ohh, I should be so lucky! My unmentionables haven't been aggravated for a long time!

Mrs D: Ohhhh, I know what you mean. Mine's like Tattoine - Not a drop of moisture for Eons!

Both: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Mrs G: I'll be glad when the 'change' happens! I'm sick to death of these period pains. They last so long!

Mrs D: I know, I know, can you believe it - a menstruation cycle that lasts 3 millenia! What a sodding pain in the arse!

Mrs G: Oh, I now. A thousand years of feeling bloated and irritable!

Mrs D: No dear, - that's just because you're a fat miserable cow! Hahahahaha!

Mrs G: Ohhh, you've reminded me - Surfy, can we stop someplace on the way? - I need to get some sanitary towels!

Mrs D: Which one's do you use dear? External or internal?

Mrs G: It's the external's for me dear! I need the industrial strength ones. I have periods like the parting of the Red Sea!

Mrs D: Hmm, I know what you mean! I preferred the internal ones but the old man wouldn't wear it!

Mrs G: He'd look funny with a tampon on his head!

Mrs D: No dear, said I took too long putting them in. Claimed I was enjoying myself too much! Me and enjoyment? That'd be a fine thing!

Mrs G: Ooh, I know what you mean! They're funny like that about women's bits. Anytime it get's leaky or messy down there, they don't want to know.

Mrs D: No, no they don't. Mine's straight off to plan some mad final scheme, locking himself away.

Mrs G: In denial! Complete sodding denial! Mine's the same. When I've got the painters in he banishes me to the guest room!

Mrs D: Men! Complete waste of bleeding time! Don't know what we go through!

Mrs G: I know what you mean! Mine makes such a fuss of eating, imagine if he had periods! You'd never hear the end of it!!

Mrs D: Nope, never! He'd have some mad herald running around proclaiming The Coming of the Great Period - trying to find suitable Cosmic Sanitary Towels!

Mrs G: Yes - you bet they'd have to be special ones. Only found in some remote corner of the sodding universe, made from finest Agarian Silk Worms threads and harvested by left-handed one-eyed Kree Monks!

Mrs D: While we make do with old socks!

Both: Men!

Silver Surfer: oh, cosmic crusties! and I thought the Oracle was annoying!

They fly off into the stars.