Stan Lee definately does not Present,

SEX ED AT MUTIE HIGH WITH BISHOP or DON'T PULL MY POOLANG!!

The final no-holds-barred, bladder-busting, pant-shitting, coke-going-up-the-nose, rollicking, obscene climax to the Cosmic Dialogues.

A class room at the X-Academy.
Present are:
Samuel Guthrie: Cannonball
Jubilation Lee: Jubilee
Kitty Pride: Shadowcat
Rahne Sinclaire: Wolfsbane
Xi'an Coy Mahn: Karma
Danielle Moonstar: Psyche/Mirage
Roberto DaCosta: Sunspot
Amara Aquilla: Magma
Sally Blevins: Skids
Tabitha Smith: Boom Boom
Julio Richter: Rictor
James Proudstar: Warpath.

Bishop: (Checking & ticking off Roll call) Where's that ice-flake, Bobby Drake?


Rictor: In the bath-house!

Bishop: Again! That boy must be the cleanest one around here.

Danielle Moonstar: Clean?? Yeah, as pure as the driven snow.

Bishop: Enough of that. I'll sort him out later! Let's get on with this. I'm your relief teacher, names Bishop. Your regular teacher, Ms Grey, went and got her herself killed again. Stupid Bitch! So what's this lesson about anyway??

Kitty Pryde: It's sexual education.

Bishop: Don't need no Sex Ed - just find a hole and stick it in 'till ya come. Even a dog could do it & he don't have Sex Ed!

Danielle Moonstar: Ask Rogue, she'd know!

Bishop: Anyways - what was your last lesson about?

Jubilee: Committment in a relationship.

Bishop: What!!! You sassin me bitch!

Jubilee: No, honest; it was.

Bishop: OK, Sex Ed it is. Let's find out where we stand, so's I know where all in the same cat-house. OK - first off, who's done the jig-jig dance? (Confused silence) You know, made like the hummpy-pummpy beast? (More confused silence). HAD SEX, GODDAMIT!! Go on, put your hands up! (Shy raising of hands, some of the girls and all of the boys raise ther hands.)
Everyone who just pumped their fist or stroked the velvet purse, put their sticky-hands down again. (Long pause and all the hands go down!) Thought so! Yur all tree-fruit - still cling-film wrapped, ain't had no-one break your seal! (Shy silence) So, you're all still a bunch of self-stimulators, eh! (Approaching Magma) What about you? Do you masterbate?

Magma: Sorry?

Bishop: I said "Do you masterbate girl?" Do you flick the cherry? Tweak the red-dial? Dip into the honey-pot? Play with your pootang?

Magma: What? I don't understand!

Bishop: DO YOU STICK YUR FINGERS IN YUR PUSSY 'TIL YOU COME???

Magma: NO, NO! No, I don't?

Bishop: Someone else do it fer ya?

Magma: No, No, no-one! No-one touches me.

Bishop: What are you, a freaking weirdo? You ain't repressed or retarded, are ya?? We can't have students with psycho problems on the team. Got 'nuff of 'em already!

Magma: No, I'm normal.

Bishop: Not around here you ain't. Hit the deck and give me 5 bitch.

Magma: 5 what?

Bishop: DON'T PULL MY POOLANG! Ya hear me? Or I'll cold-cock you! Blow you away, faster than a week-old turd in Phoenix! That's 5 press-ups now. DO IT!!

Warpath: (Whispers) what's a poolang??

Magma: I'm not a physical fighter, I do this thing with lava.

Bishop: Don't care if you recycle used tampons, get on the goddam floor and let me see that skinny white-ass moving up and down.
(Magma makes feeble effort to do press-ups - after a few attempte she gives-up.)

Bishop: Go on , get back in you seat. A She-Hulk you ain't - that's for sure! Yur pathetic! You couldn't even lift my weapon! (Guthrie sniggers.) That's my gun not my poolang - though you'd probably have trouble with that too! (Walks around a bit and then approaches Sunspot.) What about you? You know where your clitoris is?

Sunspot: No.

Bishop: Why not? You a damm fool?

Sunspot: No, I'm, I'm a boy!

Bishop: Coulda fooled me. One of us is confused and it sure ain't me. A boy with long curly hair - bet you squat to pee too! OK, we're going to find out the depth of your ignorance, gonna start with a Q&A. Let's have your questions on sex. (Silence) Come on, don't waste my time - let's hear it - you (pointing at Warpath) - ask me a question!

Warpath: Me? Ehm, OK! What's...(sniggering) what's the normal length for a penis?

Bishop: (Whips his enormous todger out & slams it on the frontdesk - GASPS FROM STUDENTS.) Anything less than that, is only good for pissing with!! Next!

Rictor: Ehm, what color should semen be?

Bishop: Whatever color it's on the bitchs' lips!

Karma: Is liking your best friend normal?

Bishop: Course it ain't! Coz your best friend is usually same sex as you. Find yourself a stud-jockey and spread wide!

Guthrie: What's cunnilingus?

Bishop: If you can't spell it, don't do it!

Boom Boom: What's fellatio?

Bishop: It's a branch of the Mafia - don't even think about it! Keep it simple kids - stick it in, twirl it around and take it out! Anymore than that and you're addicted. Don't be no sex-junkie like that fool Tony Stark!

Warpath: Is troilism normal??

Bishop: What the hell's that?

Warpath: It's 3 people having sex!

Bishop: No, it ain't normal! That's a freaking orgy! Waste of goddamm holes anyway!! And before you ask, no it ain't normal to let Rover lick your pootang, or your best friend to pull your poolang, or to fancy Barney - that's just a guy in a purple costume - or for your teacher to spank you with no knickers on - that's you, not the teacher!

Skids: How long should you date before you kiss?

Bishop: Dating? Dating? Are you freaking mad? We could all be wiped out tomorrow by the Sentinals or Mr Synister or any number of other muther-freakos out there! And when that happens, you don't wanna be kissing the floor with your guts hanging out, thinking 'one more date and I could've kissed him!' Get real!
That's enough fool questions. OK - seein' as we can't do the first thing - which is to have group sex with me giving instructions...miserable uptight prissy lamo-whitey pin-head proffessor X....we're gonna do the next best thing; which is watch hard-core porn!
Didn't have my favourite, 'Bitches in Heat', some righteous brother is enjoying that fiiiiine classic. Have to settle for this, 'Nine Lives of a Sex-Kitten' with some lamo-skinny white-chick called Karen Page. Anyway, there's plenty of jigjig in this. See, I knew's all along it was Sex Ed, just yanking your poolang! (Lights dim and cheesy disco music comes up.) Now watch this while I go off and oil my tool. And don't snigger Guthrie, that's my gun not my poolang - though both are a work of beauty & regularly oiled.

Bishop: (The film finishes and the lights come up. The students are stunned by what they've seen; a nervous energy crackles through them.) OK - you got any questions about what you just seen?

Danielle Moonstar: Ehm, eh, was that a real plumber? Because he was very good looking and he didn't seem to have many tools...

Sunspot: He had the right one!

Danielle Moonstar: ..and besides he doesn't look anything like Mr Jenkins, our Janitor, why is that?

Bishop: Well, that's called artistic license. They have to use beautiful people to make the action interesting. Think about it, you wanna watch Mr Jenkins have sex??

All: Ugghhh, no!!

Bishop: Thought not! Nobody wants to watch Mr Jenkins have sex. Hell, not even Mrs Jenkins!!

Boom Boom: Do you think they loved each other?

Bishop: Love? Are you crazy? Probably just had time for a quick 'hello' before he stuck his poolang in her mouth!

Guthrie: Why did the man pull out his penis when he came??

Bishop: That's commonly known as the money-shot. Shows you they were doing it fer real - ain't no bullshit-Hollywood make believe.

Sunspot: Why was the cupboard so brightly lit??

Bishop: So's you could see all that fine action. Ain't supposed to be no freaking Faranheit 9/11 documentary. You sure you a boy? Can't tell with all the freaking weirdos around this place. No more fool questions about the goddam film-making, supposed to be Sex Ed not goddam Media Studies! Next.

Skids: Is it safe to have sex with an Alien?

Bishop: Course it ain't! Don't know where those space-hopping muthers've been. Ain't all got's what we got - don't wanna find your date dropping her pants and whipping out a poolang longer than yours - or even two poolangs, don't snigger; I seen it happen. Be the quarter-back not the receiver! Course unless your a girl or a someone called Sunspot! You girl (turning to Skids), you fancy having sex with a Skrull? (She shakes her head violently.) No, thought not! Don't matter what that flaming-freako Human Torch sez..!

Danielle Moonstar: Or Miss Frost!

Bishop: ....freaking cocky-barbecue, I could piss on him and put his pilot-light out, super-nova my ass, freaking lizard-lover, probably give birth to a freaking fire-breathing dragon, just what we need in this world, more freaking weirdos. They should change their freaking name to the Queer Quartet, f*cking Cosmic Ray space junkies!

Warpath: Do you think they were method actors!

Bishop: Course they were! Ain't easy to perform with a room full of people, unless you're some kind of freakozoid! Besides, we're all performing for them frigging Watchers. (Looking up) PERVERTS!

Guthrie: How do you get a career in these films?

Bishop: Don't be no fool. Just coz you like having a big shit don't mean you gotta be a Sanitation Worker. Leave it to the professionals. Sides, with your looks you'd probably starve to death! Every fool thinks it's paradise being a porn-star until you got's to screw 5 women before lunch and come on camera each time. OK - times up.

All: Aaaah!

Bishop: I thought you'd enjoy some straight-talking righteous brother giving you the low-down rather than some prissy white-chick going on about holding hands.

Kitty Pride: Will you be our teacher next week?

Bishop: No, 'fraid not, that's was the end of my one-and-only lesson!

All: Aaaah!

Bishop: Enough of that - cut that out - (Pause) though I don't blame you. Next week your new regular teacher is gonna to be Kurt Wagner, you know him better as Nightcrawler. Now, he's given me a piece of paper, the title of the lecture will be 'Sado-Masochistic Auto-Eroticism' - whatever the hell that is! weirdo f*cking kruat - anyways, you need to bring the following next week, 1 choke-chain, 1 plastic carrier bag, black leather knee-length boots - that's everybody, a picture of your favourite sexual-fantasy figure - animated characters not allowed, that includes Barney,...

Rictor: But he's not animated, he's real!

Bishop: I told ya before - he ain't real, he's just some guy in a costume, probably some kiddie-porn merchant hiding out from the law, ain't right to fancy him, yer all going weirdo on me, I've seen the pin-ups of that purple-prick on my security rounds! Anyways, I shall continue. 2 nipple-clamps or 1 scrotal-clamp, depending on your sex or preference, 1 orange sliced, 3 tubes of Petroleum jelly - told you he was a f*cking weirdo - 1 small fluffy toy, if you ain't got one, let him know and he'll supply one - and, this is most important, you must choose a partner before the class, decide who will be the sex-slave and who will be the sex-master and spend the week preparing by walking the designated sex-slave around the school on the above-mentioned choke-chain. Special note - Rahne, you can't be the sex-slave, apparently you're too used that goddam choke-chain.
Any questions? Don't bother asking me - ask the perverted professor! I'm outta here!