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February 2005 Week 6 I
caught up with Darren on the way to school and asked him about what Natasha had
said. "You
didn't tell me you were going out with Natasha?" He
gave a weak little grin "Why should I? Besides, she's not a bird you wanna
show off anyway?" "Whactha
mean?" "Don't
sound so innocent - you were hiding her all over the place when you went out.
You'd a stuck a blanket over head if you could've got away with it!" We
walked on in silence for a bit - but it was troubling me, the thought of
Natasha & Darren shagging. "I
bet you had a good time - she's sex mad!" "She's
wised up since she went out with you. Made me pay for everything and then I
only got a quick kiss. And, get this, she only walked
me home - how embarrassing is that? You bird walking YOU home! You've spoiled
her for the rest of us "But...when
I.." "Yes
I know I
didn't know how to take that; but it got me thinking. Was Kelly going out with
me coz she felt sorry for me? Was that it? The
school psychologist meeting went badly again. He started shouting when I said
an immortal like me couldn't possibly discuss their intimate problems with a
lowly Midgardian. He didn't mind that too much it was when I wouldn't explain
what Midgardian or even Midgard meant - he became convinced it was some modern
rude word and refused to carry on until I explained it. I couldn't understand
it, but for some reason he was really pushy with me - kept asking if I had any
more weirdo dreams. I kept quiet then and he was eventually reduced to just
talking at me - which I didn't mind as I'm used to it. I
saw Kelly in the upper playground afterwards and called her over. I had to ask
her about what Darren had said. "Kelly,
are you going out with me coz you feel sorry for me? Is that it?" "Who
told you that?" "Darren." "Oh, him! Don't be so bloody stupid - listening to that
idiot, come here." And with that dear gentle readers
she gave me the sweetest, most loving and sexy kissed I have ever experienced
in my short life - and it gave me a trapped erection which nearly made me weep. 
When
I got home Mr Morris Morris pointed out an article in The Sentinel, the local
newspaper: "They
say here, another Satanic ritual’s been performed in "Probably
copycat kids." He nodded his head in semi-agreement but even I didn't
believe myself. The whole thing left me feeling queasy and sick and I had to go
to bed early. The
dreams had started again, but this time the bird was talking - and it was
talking right at me. "You wanker Colin! What an arsehole you turned
out to be. Ha! I played you like a cheap flute, had you running around
believing you were Thor's son! Ha, ha ha! A complete tosser like you, related
to a God, don't make me vomit. You're just filth, complete utter filth. Look at
you - pathetic miserable wretch of an excuse for a boy?" And when it flew
straight at me with it's horrible talons coming towards
my eyes - well that's when I woke up with a shout. It's just as well coz there
was a huge dark shape at the end of my bed. I
couldn't help myself but I screamed again. "Shhh
Colin - it's only me!" "Oh,
for God's sake Oz - what the hell're doing here?" There
was a noise outside, my screaming must've awoken
someone. "Are
you alright Colin?" "Uhm,
yes Mr Morris Morris, sorry - had a bad dream - won't do it again?" "You're
not having a difficult wank, are you?" "No,
I'm not having a 'difficult' wank!" "Because if you are, you just need to relax -
think of it as a wet hand-shake!" "I'm
not having a wank! God, some people!!" "OK
- sorry, leave you to it -- shhhh, don't scream out so loud though - keep it
quiet." Thank
God he'd gone away. "Colin.." He was back. "There's a rather raunchy film on
Channel 5 if that's any help!" "Just
go awayyyyy!" "Ok - righty ho!" Oz
crept forward. "We
muss goey goey, now now. Haveta haveta get sumfink, now." "Oz
- it's the middle of the sodding night." But
he wouldn't stop, and there was no way I could force him out of the house, so
for my troubles I had to get dressed. And just as I was finishing dressing I
heard the faint toot of a taxi outside. He'd
planned it all along. We
took the taxi to "Him him him. he
be it. he be one. he be one. talk now me listen" "What?
What? What is the bloody matter you stupid 'Gora' [white-man]*? " [I]*I
should point out this was translated for me by an Asian friend at school.[/I] "You one you one! yes
yes me findy findy you! You no hidey hidey - you be one.!" I'm
afraid the driver took this very badly and turned around to start arguing with
Oz. "Listen
'maddur chaud'[mother's very close friend] shut your 'bootha'[mouth] or
I'll..." But
alas dear gentle comic fan, he wasn't paying attention... "LOOK
OUT!!" |