Kelly and I went shopping in Hanley on Saturday - she bought me a scarf. I tried buying her sexy underwear but she just laughed her head off. "OK - only if we can both show it to my dad!"
And when I got home that night, oh, dear gentle long-suffering readers, who would happen to be at our kitchen table - no one else but Natasha the tache!
"Hi...Uhm just a sec!"
I pulled mum into the corridor - "what she doing here?"
"Waiting for you."
I couldn't help thinking mum was enjoying this - was she getting her own back; normally mum would've told her to piss off. I had to get her out of here.
"But I hardly know her."
"She says she's your girl friend!"
"It's not true - Me already has a girlfriend - Kelly!"
"Not me I"
"Not your eye what?"
"Not your eye what?"
"NO! 'I already have' not 'Me already has' - God Colin, what do they teach you at school!"
"Grammar? We're talking about grammar - god mum!! Just get rid of her."
"She's your girlfriend! Frankly I'm shocked at your behaviour - shocked but not surprised, no! What else can I expect from the son of a man who..."
"Oh, for heaven's sake it's not about you and dad! Just get rid of her."
"No! You went out with her - she's here - you have to talk to her."
"No, I don't want to."
Then horror of horrors - Ivan the Terrible decided to butt in - this was really winding me up.
"I can hear everyting."
"I can hear everyting."
"It's rude to listen to other people."
"But you shouting! what rude? listening or saying I can hear?"
"Uhm - look it's not about you."
"But you talk about me - yes?"
I was running in a giant bowl of Ready Brek and getting no where!! She had to go!
"Well yes - ok - that's it - that's it - you leave now - that's it go!" I pointed towards the door in a firm and commanding gesture.
"No! Not your house. I don't go!"
I was losing the battle - what was it with her? - she had a knack of getting under my skin.
"Mum, please make her leave - I don't wanna see her!"
"Well, actually we were getting along just fine before you started ordering people about. We were going to do something about her hair problem."
"What? Give her a Hitler-moustache to go with her personality?"
Oops! I really shouldn't have said that but she was asking for it - getting her feet under our kitchen table and palling up to mum. Natasha shot me a filthy look and made the throat-cutting gesture again with her finger. Mum was pissed-off as well.
"That's a horrible thing to say - say sorry!"
"No!" I stormed off to my bedroom and I could feel the new would-be Hitler smiling that creepy smile of hers.
I could hear mum shouting from the bottom of the stairs - "I never thought a son of mine could be so rude to a guest! That's it - no tea for you tonight - until you apologise!"
I waited for an hour but there wasn't any sign she was making a move to leave - worse than that, I could hear the both of them laughing! They could only be laughing about me - oh, God what was she telling me mum! What if mum got it into her head to get us back together - and she could - you can only skip tea for so long. I had to do something about it.
"I'm not going out with you again." I told her from the safety of the kitchen door.
"I don't want you to." This was obviously some devious Russian double-bluff - I could only mutter a weak 'eh?'.
"I have new boyfriend - Darren - he is nice and clean."
I felt myself melting into the hall carpet.
"I know what you mean - Colin's not the cleanest boy you could wish for." & mum did her famous dry sniff - like the when the cat was sick on the good rug.
The traffic was bad to school today, turns out somebody had ruined one of the greens at Trentham Golf Club and the police had been called. They had cars all over the place and traffic was a nightmare. Darren told me his father had heard somebody had performed a Satanic ritual on the green. Burnt feathers and congealed blood, perhaps human, had been found together with strange markings.
"Whatcha mean what hole? What does it matter what bloody hole it was?"
"Oi, don't swear!" The lollipop lady told him off but Darren didn't say anything back coz she knew his mum and he'd get into even more trouble.
"Anyway - thing is I betcha something bad's gonna happen. Maybe a human sacrifice - oooohhhhh." Then he pretended to stab some of the girls walking to school; they were OK about it and laughing until he started to ask if they were virgins - then they told him to piss off! I told him to calm down and pulled him away "Stop it - you look like an idiot."
"What? Only you can do weird stuff eh?"
"If you want a virgin sacrifice why dontcha stab yourself!!"
He didn't say anything but I could tell he was annoyed. He wouldn't meet my eye, just kept looking down and then he ran off to walk with the year 11 boys.
I decided to tackle mum about Dr Dome - I had to know what the hell Kelly's dad was on about.
She was in the kitchen preparing the tea - stuffed peppers on a bed of crushed chillies - "Botty-burners" Mr Morris Morris calls them.
"Mum - what did Kelly's dad mean about you and Dr Dome."
She stopped cutting the peppers, sighed and turned around, - "I see you're not going to stop about this, are you?" - when I saw the knife I nearly legged it.
She sat down and wiped her hands - "What do you want to know?"
"You and Dr Dome - did you...did you go out with him?"
She was looking down then - like she was finding it hard to meet my eye - perhaps the memories were difficult. "Colin, it was a difficult time. This was before you were born, you're dad and I were having a difficult time, he'd started that stupid society of his and...well he was living away. I was lonely...and I just went out a couple of times with Vicky."
Vicky? Her casual use of his first name hit like a kick in the goolies.
"It wasn't anything...just a few laughs...nothing serious."
I had to ask her - I had to know. I held my nerve and asked her the question.
"Did you have sex with him?"
"COLIN!! What kinda question is that to ask your mother!!"
"I want to know - did you have sex with him?"
"Well, I don't sodding care if you do want to know - it's none of your pissing business!"
"'Tis if he's me father!" I couldn't stop myself - it came out so fast & then it was too late to feel sorry about it.
She slapped me on the face - hard - but I just stood there, my face was burning from the slap but I didn't back down.
"Colin!! Stop it!! Stop it!! Why are you doing this??" She slumped in the chair and covered her face, like she was trying not to cry. "You were getting better, you were off your pills and now this...why Colin? Why?"
I changed my attack.
"Did you kiss him?"
"DID you KISS him?"
"...Oh, if you must know, yes, yes I did."
"Did he touch your breasts? Did he?"
"DID HE TOUCH YOUR FANNY? DID HE? DID HE TAKE YOUR KNICKERS OFF? DID HE? DID HE? AND WHAT DID YOU DO? DID YOU KISS HIM BACK? DID YOU TELL HIM YOU WANTED HIM? DID YOU? DID YOU PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN HIS PANTS? DID YOU OPEN YOUR LEGS FOR HIM??"
"Oh, Colin please please, don't do this? Don't! I'm begging you, stop this!"
"DON'T YOU SEE - I Can't Stop It. It's there in my head and it won't go away it's eating me up - how could you? with him? How can I believe you when you've lied to me and dreams say these things - I don't believe it but it won't stop, I can't help it - I don't know where I am or what I am...help me mum!!"
"......dreams?.....what dreams? It's alright my baby." She tried to pull me into her. "Your my little Colin - it's going to be alright..." Alright? Alright? How could it be alright - more lies.
I pulled away and left her crying on the kitchen floor. I ran down the street until I hit the row of shops. I didn't want to be seen by anyone so I just hung around in the shadows until the phone box was free - I had to talk to dad.
"Hello - you have reached the Viking Pillaging & Raping Re-enactment Society - no one is here to take your call. Leave a message & we'll get back to you."
"uhm, dad it's me Colin, uhmm,.... I had to eh... talk to you....about something....it's very very important....it's about....Dome...oh god..why me?...forget it...just forget...[click]"
I had the dream again - but this time there was no talking bird - just a desperate desire to get up and look out of the window & there our front-garden tree was covered in dead birds. Hundreds of them all neatly and carefully tied by their necks to each branch - like a sick Christmas tree. They were swaying gently in the wind - not making a sound. It creeped me out and I found myself running down the road, and then I stumbled and fell and just as my head was about was about to hit the pavement edge I woke up with a start. It was 03:21 on the clock.
I looked out of the window - just to make sure like - and at he bottom of our garden path was a strange dark figure - standing rock-like gazing up at my window. It took me a few moments to adjust to the light but I eventually recognised her - it was Lady A'Sif. I couldn't for the life of me work out why I had an erection - and it wouldn't bloody go down.
I hid it under my dressing gown and went to meet her. I called her over to the back gate.
"What do you want?" - pretending to be cold and wrapping my gown around me - but actually desperately trying to hide my erection.
"You left a message for your father."
"Did I?" And she didn't help - great big boobies mesmerising me.
"Yes you did!"
"Yes - my father - what are you doing here?" I tried to avert my eyes but I couldn't - & the erection got bigger - it seemed like my eyes were wired directly to my penis.
"You sounded distressed - he's away - so I came; can I help?"
"Can you?" I decided to play for time.
"Will you stop answering everything with a question - it's very annoying!"
"I wanted to ask him something." Looks like she wasn't buying it - and as my eyes adjusted fully I realised I could make out the shape of her nipples under the satin of her Nordic dress. Not just any old nipples - but great ginormous ones - big pointy ones that begged to be...she was speaking again.
"Well perhaps I can help."
"Can I ask you anything?"
"Yes - anything!"
"Really anything? (She nodded) and you won't be offended?" I had to try it.
"No, I won't!"
"so..are you..uhm like..uhm wearing a bra?"
"Sorry - I got distracted"
"That's OK. go on."
"so uhm like...are you? are you wearing a bra?"
"Is it really that important?"
"Well not on a cosmic scale, no. But at this moment in time, it's pretty important." The erection had turned from pleasurable to painful - it was aching to be held, coddled, stro....well you get the idea.
"Well, let's surrender to the moment, shall we!. Yes I am, if you must know."
In for a penny, in for a pound! "Is it a peephole?"
"...it's only that you're nipples are sticking out a lot."
"No it's not a peephole"
"So you've just got very big nipples?"
"...no they're normal size it's cold."
In for a pound in for a guinea or whatever it is. "...or perhaps your excited to see me."
"Careful Colin - I am your father's partner."
"Yes, but you're not my mother!"
"Are you flirting with me?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Don't start that again." It was no good - my erection had started to fade, the banter hadn't helped and tit-gazing can only take you so far. I thought it was time to move on.
"I need to ask you something - it my sound strange.......but am I the son of Thor?"
"You are the son of your father."
Oh, God! More circular answers. "What does that mean?"
"It means you are your father's off-spring. "
"Stop playing with me - just answer me straight - am I Thor's son?"
"Thor? God of Thunder, son of Odin and Jord, husband to Sif and Jarnsaxa, father to Magni, Modl and Thrud - that Thor?"
"And now father to you, Colin?"
"Do you want it to be so?" She was even better at winding me up than Natasha the tache!
"It's not a case of what I want or don't want. It's...I just NEED to know the TRUTH."
"Truth? There are many truths Colin, many lies which are act like truths; many truths which are half-truths and many truths which are complete lies - which truth do you want?" Philosophy at half 3 in the morning was not what I wanted!
"STOP IT!! STOP IT! JUST FUCKING STOP IT! TELL ME THE TRUTH YOU COW!!"
I could see the shock in her eyes but she controlled herself and, slowly nodding her head in agreement, she stepped back, folded her gown behind her and made a simple curtsey.
"Hail Thee Lord, most noble and royal heir to the throne of Asgard! Hail Th...."
"no.....no......No.....No....NO! NO!! NO!!! It's lies, lies, all lies. You're all in it together - you're trying to drive me nuts - I know you are." I ran back inside then but she was still shouting. I locked the kitchen door but I could still hear her. My heart was pounding, leaping and galloping out off my chest but I could hear her clearly.
"IS IT BETTER TO LIVE A COWARDLY LIE THAN A BRAVE TRUTH? FACE YOUR DESTINY COLIN - FACE IT!"