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January 2005 Week 4 The
talking crow was around again but for once it was strangely quiet. It just sort
of looked at me accusingly from the window sill. This was even more creepy than
when it was talking it's head off. I got the feeling
it was pissed off with me. On
Saturday I had a proper date with Kelly after all and we went to We
went shopping, had some cheese & onion pasties from the baker's in the
square and then we went to the pictures. I won't tell you what we did, coz if
she ever found out she'd kill me, - but it was nice. Alright, it was very very
nice. And
one other thing you'd never guess, she's got a really bad nut-allergy. Anything
like that can cause a reaction and could be fatal - she laughed and said: "I
should keep away from you, coz you're the biggest nut in the school!" then
she nicked my drink and ran off. A
strange thing happened on the way home on the bus. I was sitting by the window
and the bus stopped at Mr
Husk, our next door neighbour, came home drunk again and woke me up when he put
his wheeley bin out. He makes such a racket when he puts it out. The problem is
he has early stage Alzheimer's and can't remember what day it is and so puts it
out every night. And then he brings it back in at 5 in the morning before the dustman have even collected it. Also he doesn't sleep very
well because he thinks he has slept during the day and so paces relentlessly
all through the night. Trouble is he then falls fast asleep when he's out and
about - saw him last week sleeping in Aldi's behind the cat litter pallet. Mum
felt sorry for him again last night and sent me round with some Shepard’s pie.
Once again he failed to recognise me and thought I was trying to rob him . To relax him I started to sing carols but he just got
confused and chased me away. Kelly
came around after tea and we sat and did our homework together - mum was a bit
sniffy about Kelly but Mr Morris Morris was very nice to her. Kelly thinks he
fancies her. Afterwards we had some coke & watched telly in me room - with
the door open. Kelly bet me I couldn't drink the coke through my nose. I tried
and nearly choked to death. Mum was a right mardy ass about it and chucked
Kelly out. One
afternoon I saw Natasha through the Emporium window looking straight at me -
she'd been cutting up some kebab meet with an electric knife - and she made a
horrible gesture of cutting my throat with it. Darren started laughing and kept
making the gesture at me all day at school. 
On
wednesday I went round Kelly's after tea and her mum
& dad were there; she was alright but he was dead suspicious; kept giving
me funny looks. And when I went to the bog he cornered me on the way back with a pretence of showing me his new DVD player. He was all
over-nice at first, like he was building up to something and then he suddenly
turned on me. "Still
seeing the school psychologist, are you Colin?" "Uhm, sort of." "And
what's wrong with you??!!" "Uhm,
I can't tell you that, it's private." "Private?
Private? Listen you little toerag. You're a
certifiable looney and you're going out with my 13 year old daughter, so don't
give me that crap about privacy! I know ALL about you Colin Thurson. I know you
hang around with that weirdo Oz." He
waited - like he was working out how to say something. "Have
you...have you kissed yet?" "What?
Oz?" "No,
Kelly! Have YOU kissed Her? Have You?" "Uhm,
I might have..." "WHAT?" "But
we didn't do tongues! Honest!" "TONGUES? YOU KNOW ABOUT TONGUES???! HAVE YOU TOUCHED
HER BREASTS? WELL HAVE YOU? HAVE YOU?" "Uhm,
that's sort of...private sir!" "PRIVATE?
PRIVATE? SHE'S MY SODDING DAUGHTER, YOU ARSEHOLE! YOU
TOUCH ONE HAIR ON HER..." "I
HAVEN'T touched her FANNY! HONEST!" "ARGGGH!! NOT FANNY! HEAD! HEAD!" "Head? Head? Is she inta blowjobs!" "WHAAAAAAAAT????????????" He grabbed me by the throat
and was dead-close to me face, shouting like. "LISTEN
YOU LITTLE FUCKING WEIRDO, JUST ANSWER ME, HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING WITH
HER?" "Like
what?" "YOU
KNOW!" "I
DON'T" "YES
YOU BLOODY DO - EVERYBODY DOES. YOU'RE ALL AT IT!" "I
haven't touched her!" "LIAR! YOU MUST'VE!" "Well
alright - just a bit!" "HA!
I KNEW IT!! I BLOODY KNEW IT!" Luckily
Kelly's mum came in and asked what all the shouting was about? While he was
still controlling himself I legged it down the
hall. He came after me still shouting.
"You can run boy but I won't stop. I know all about you and your family.
ASK YOUR MOTHER ABOUT DOME!" I looked over and I could see Kelly's mum
telling him to be quiet. Later
on Kelly called me and asked about all the shouting? I said I think your dad
wants you to give me a blowjob! She started giggling then but I don't think she
believed me. Ten-Oz,
The Titan of Titan, came around on Thursday and we went for a walk in Longton park. It was a cold day and there weren't many people around
- which was just as well coz Oz decided he wanted to
have a Russian-style cold swim in the duck pond. While he was standing in the
pond, wiping duck poo off his face, I asked him. "Oz
- what you said that day. About dreams." He
didn't say anything, like he hadn't heard, but I knew he had. "I
have.....been having dreams. Not like the one's
before. Different ones. See, there's this blackbird,
and it says things." I couldn't go on - it was difficult to say without
sounding like an idiot. "What speaky speaky beaky beaky?" "I'm
not sure. Says weird stuff. Like I'm...I dunno!" He
became very intense and clambered out of the pond; when he saw me backing away
he slowed down but I could tell he was still thinking intensely. "No
bothery bothery - nowt owt nowt owt." And he started to scrub himself down
with wet grass. I relaxed a bit then. "It's
all stupid anyway Oz - I don't know why you fuss yerself over it. Besides I've
got other things to worry about." I told him what happened with Kelly's
dad - I left out the bit where he said Oz was a weirdo - and he started to
chuckle. "Naught naughty." Then he smiled. "I seen girly Kelly Kelly. She pretty
pretty." "Yes
- I know. She's too good for me." "You
tell girly Kelly dreamy dreamy?" "What?
Don't be silly - she'd bugger off if me was Thor's
son......" It
went quiet then. Quiet for a long time. I
couldn't look him in the eye then. He moved forward and held my shoulder. "You special. you
so special." I pulled away. "Don't
Oz. It's not true. It's all stupid. Like Mr Murcock says - it's all fantasy and
illusion. So let's just fergget it." "No,
no no! It true, it true. Me's
been waiting. Waiting and watching. See Colin, Darkie Darkie Prince after you. gotta stop him. gotta stop him. Him bad - always plotting and plotting. Him
bad." Then
he started to hop around on one leg and made strange noises "isha wai rai
chaloji pooja butt kanjeriji madhuri dixit mataji". "What
are you doing Oz?" "Incantations
decantation specially specially words. protect you from Darkie Darkie Prince. Hide you." "I
don't think you should say Darkie - people don't like it! I don't know - I
wanna believe you Oz but....but then you start doing all this jumping and
chanting and it....well it's just stupid. How can I believe you? I'm not Harry
Potter and you're not bloody Hagrid! So let's just stop it." It
was getting late so I left him in the park - hopping around, reciting stuff and
covered in wet grass & duck poo. When
I got back mum was talking on the phone talking with Mr Petal, or was it Patel
- I couldn't be sure - about Mr M Fysto. Apparently he's run-off from the Chunkey
Pandey Mandhir in Tunstall, but worse he's taken a gold statuette of the
Living-God Amitabh Bachchan. Mr Petal was very angry about it - he blamed mum
for introducing 'that evil red devil' to the temple. So perhaps it wasn't such
a good time to ask her about what Kelly's dad said. "Dome? What the bleeding hell are you on about. Look Colin,
this is not a goodtime - you hear. So don't, just don't start your nonsense!"
I
went upstairs and looked at myself in the mirror. Was this the nose and lips of
a God? These the high born eyes of a deity? Did my veins have immortal blood?
Perhaps it was true - perhaps Godhood had been bestowed upon me, perhaps... "Are
you wanking again?" "NO
MUM!!" "Well,
hurry up, I need a slash!" Friday
meant another appointment with Mr Murcock, the school psychologist. This time I
decided to tell him what had been happening. "So
you think you're the son of Thor." "Not
think - I am." "Really?" "Really." "All because a blackbird in your dream told
you?" "Raven, not a blackbird." "I
see. A raven." He started to do funny entwining
thing with his fingers, making a knuckly-knot. "Do you think dreams tell
the truth?" "Dunno
- you're the psychologist." "Well,
in that case - I have to tell you - they don't tell the truth. They are merely
wish-fullfilment." "But
I don't wish to be the son of Thor." "So
you say. But it's not uncommon for children with divorced parents to imagine
they have powerful father-figures. It's quite common really!" "If
it's so common why go on about it?" "It
may be common but it's not natural." More finger entwining. "Has the
bird asked you to do anything?" "Like
what?" "Do
something? Something different. Unusual
perhaps." "You
mean like stab old people at a bus-stop? Or fire-bomb
Tesco's?" "Oh, my God!" The finger entwining stopped
and he just looked at me with his mouth half-open. "Well?" "No,
it hasn't asked me to do that!" "Stop
pissing me about Colin. You don't know who I am." Not finger entwining now
but nuckle cracking. "Oh,
I do. But do we know who me is?" |