| January 2005 Week 2 I
had the dream again - the one with the talking raven. It knocked on my window
and started talking, "BEHOLD I AM THE MESSENGER OF ODIN - THOU ART THE
MOST NOBLE AND HONOURED SON OF THOR. PREPARE FOR THY GODHOOD!".
I woke up with a bloody headache and was late for school. I wish the sodding
raven would come on a non-school day!  I
think I'm a paedophile, I've been talking a lot to one of the year 9 girls -
Kelly - but Darren said I was being stupid coz I was underage myself so I
couldn't be one - paeds were old men who fancied young boys. I feel a bit
better and I think I might ask Kelly out. We
are no longer banned from "The Silesian Food Emporium" - mum had a
quiet word with Dr Dome and he seemed to cave in remarkably quickly. More
news on Mr M Fysto; he's has been forced to leave the mosque following fights
and arguments with other asylum refugees and is now hiding at the Chunkey
Pandey Mandhir in Tunstall. Mum
is fighting with Mr Morris Morris again - I heard
them arguing last night - something about Dr Dome - they tried to drown the
noise by putting up the TV sound but I was then forced to listen to Jeremy
Paxman on Newsnight having an intense discussion with an angry man from Holland
about the EU. I was therefore late getting up and late into school again -
bloody detention. The plus side is that I have a profound understanding of the
EU constitution. Miss Merryman, the Headmistress, says this can not continue. Trudy
McGruder has asked me out on a dare and I couldn't find a way of saying no; so
we are going to The
Allday shop on the corner has been robbed again - the sad man from the 25-hour
glazing company - an oxymoron which I helpfully pointed - was outside again boarding it up. Sue,
the petite manager at the Allday shop told me they'd lost over £2,000 worth of
ciggies and an issue of Centaur weekly; something which greatly upset Mr
Koozee. She then showed me the strange marks on the floor - like animal hoofs -
police think it's a goat that can walk on two legs! Sue pulled a face to
suggest what she thought of that idea. I
asked Kelly out and she said yes. Bugger me! Then I realised I also had a date
with Trudy McGruder. I started thinking about finding a way of getting out of
it. I told Darren but he said I'd better not coz Trudy was a right vicious cow
and she could probably beat me up. I
was in Tesco’s when a man in a wheelchair barged ahead of me in the queue and
then started to loose control of his wheelchair. He got it stuck in some
trolleys and whilst reversing out failed to stop and hit the Lottery stand and
knocked it over. When someone offered to help he just said - "no no no I can manage" - when
it was obvious to everyone he couldn't. I hate it when people like that won't
accept help - they just want to be normal with their difficulties; sort of like
handicap martyrs, making us all feel sorry for them. I just shouted out 'get a
move on' and everyone looked around and an old lady said 'well really, some
people', and I was really embarrassed and ran into the toilets. I wanted to
cry, but I couldn't make myself cry - cry for myself or that man outside, I
wasn't sure - then I
felt sick and started to dry retch so I stuck my head in the toilet bowl and I
was confused because there was a used tampon in the toilet bowl and I couldn't
understand why a man would use a tampon. I mean where would he put it? In his
ear or up his bottom - and then there was a shout from outside - "are you
alright in there?" and it was a woman’s voice and I realised I was in the
women's toilet - oh god what was I going to do? So I pretended to be Pakistani
and said 'no bole English' in an Asian accent. But the woman got more worried
outside and said - 'I’ll get help!'. Then the
supervisor came and asked me if I was OK and I kept saying 'no bole English' so
she got one of the assistants to stand on a chair and peek into the cubicle so
I had to put my blazer over my head and started shouting "Haram haram!!". But things kept getting worse because the
supervisor decided to open the cubicle with the master key and I was forced to
run out with the blazer over my head but then I fell over that awful man in the
wheelchair. There was an almighty row and the police was called but they
couldn't decide what to charge me with. However I have been put on the sex
register. I
have since found out that the girl in the Silesian Food Emporium is called
Natasha. She smiled at me when I went in for some chips this lunchtime. Darren
had wandered away to the slot machines and she was being really nice piling on
loads of chips on me pie. Then she asked me: "You go on date? Da?". I
thought she meant did I have a girlfriend and like a fool I said yes and then
she smiled intently but it was hard to concentrated
with her moustache - I think she's been oiling it! - and
I realised she had asked me for a date and I had said yes! Shit! I thought, I have 3 girlfriends now. She was speaking again but I
hadn't been paying attention, I asked her to repeat it. "We
go out - see moving picture - da?" "Uhm, ehhh, ok...but
there's not much on." "No
matter we go!" I
walked out of he shop in a daze and Darren caught up
with me - 'get your chips?' - 'yeah - and a girlfriend!'.
Like a tosser Darren started poking in my chips - "where?" |