April 2005

Week 13

Colin, you are ill.

What you have is "Psychotic Bipolar Disorder", it is an awful disease but the good news is that we can treat it. It's characterized by, ah uhm... characterised?, uhm symptoms, it's symptoms are hallucinations and delusions, belief in conspiracies and general paranoid behaviour. Unfortunately, you've just had a major psychotic episode and I'm here to help you deal with it.

You see Colin, mental illness is one of those strange diseases which happen to other people; but never to us. Do you know why that is? Well, I'll tell you. You see when we injure our arm or leg, we can see the blood and we can feel the pain but our brain also understands what has happened. And it's our brain which tells us how to deal with it.
However, in mental illness it's the brain itself which is ill; but because it's a slow onset we don't see ourselves being ill. We think our behaviour is perfectly normal. What we see, hear, touch can be moulded into a pattern which fits into our flawed view of the world. You see Colin, self-reflection is very difficult when the mirror is cracked.

And when that happens Colin, we need our friends, and we need our family to help us realise we are acting irrationally, we need them to tell us we are wrong and that we need help. We need them to be there for us. What we don't need is our so-called friends encouraging our behaviour. Can you see how your friends Oz and Lady A'Sif were making you more ill? You are not the son of Thor, there are no demons roaming around Trentham, there is not a Satanic conspiracy to take over Stoke. You have been manipulated by very clever people who have a hidden agenda - but you are safe now. Safe from them and safe to heal and recover.

Any questions? No? (pause) OK - let's carry on.

Oh, by the way, did you know that Oz and A'Sif are friends? yes, it's true. Apparently they were lovers before she met your father; although rumour has it they've had the occasional fling for old time's sake. Her tragedy is that she can't have children, and as with all things we can't have, it is the one thing she desires the most. So, in her own perverted way, she sought to destroy you. You! The one bond your father had with his previous family.
So can you see how the simplest explanation is the correct one - the more complex the explanation, the more factors have to be twisted, ignored or misrepresented for that explanation to be consistent with our view of reality.

I know you find it hard to believe, and no doubt your imagination is working over-time to fit me and this whole scenario into your finely constructed narrative. But believe me when I tell you this. I have no ulterior motive - none what so ever. I have nothing to gain from this - I am merely a simple child psychologist working for the North Staffordshire Health Authority.

You see Colin - you don't mind if I call you Colin? good - , you see Colin the interesting thing is - that, well, to put it bluntly it's actually very satisfying being mentally ill. It is! Really. Think about - you can do what you like, say what you like, think what you like, no matter how outrageous, how fantastic, how...totally unbelievable. We can insult who we like. Behave as we see fit. No explanation required - because our little friend - 'Psychotic Bipolar Disorder' - will excuse everything.
Our family and friends will be there for us. They will cater to our every needs, demand nothing of us and love us - (pause) unquestioningly.

In fact - it's very much like being a child again - 'Sans care, sans responsibility, sans sense' Hmm? No? It's Shakespeare paraphrased. But that's by the by - we're to help you get better not give you a grounding in English Lit.

So, what are we going to do? (pause) What Are We Going To Do? Well, it's lucky for you that you live here and now.

In ancient times we could have tried trepanning, drilled a hole in your head and let all the bad evil thoughts escape.



Or what about a little ECT - ELECTRO-CONVULSIVE THERAPY - eh? Send 80volts through your brain and produce fits and seizures to get rid of those loony tunes. No? Or how about a bit of frontal lobotomy? That's when we stick a spatula up your nasal cavity and then hammer it into the frontal lobe. Once in there we squish it around until all that frontal cortex is nice & mushy. And hey presto no more silly thoughts about thunder gods and such.

(Pause) But don't worry Colin - we live in enlightened times, we don't do any of that. We have something else planned for you.

We're going to put you under a strict regime. No contact with anyone. No-One! No family. No friends. No friends of friends. No girlfriends. No boyfriends. No casual acquaintances. no passer-bys. no drop-ins. NO ONE! Solitude - perfect solitude. A fortress of solitude if you like!

And medicine. Lots and lots and lots of lovely little pills. Pills to wake up. Pills to get you going. Pills to slow you down. Pills to help you digest. Pills to help you relax. Pills to put you to sleep.

And finally time. Time to contemplate. Time to consider. Time to take stock. Time to accept your little place in this vast universe.

Good? Good! Ah Nurse - Young Master Thorson is ready to return to his room.

What's that? Writing? You like writing. Well that's good - that's very good. Yes I think that'd be alright - very therapeutic - nurse - arrange for some writing material for young Colin here.