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March 2005 THE SIMPSON'S Homer's Phoney Money Homer gets lost going to the john at Moe's & bumps into Moe talking to Big Louis. Moe is taking a suspicious looking case from Big Louis. Homer: Whatcha doin Mo? Mo: Nuthin! Homer: Whatcha doin Mo? Mo: Nuthin! Homer: Whatcha doin Mo? Mo: Nuthin! Homer: Whatcha doin Mo? Mo: Nuthin! Big Louis: Is this guy brain-damaged? Mo: No, just a regular! Homer: Whatcha doin Mo? Big Louis: Ah, I see. Tell him to stop or I will shoot you ( pointing gun at Mo) Mo: OK - Look Homer, this is the biggest secret in the world. The government don’t want you to know. Homer: What’s that? Mo: I’m buying money. Homer: You can buy money??? Why didn’t anyone tell me? (Turning heavenward and shaking his fists) Damn you!! Damn you all to hell!! Mo: Alright alright enougha that. See if everyone knew about this little secret no one would go to work!! Homer: Lousy Protestant work-ethic supporting government!! Can I buy some?? Mo: No Homer: Can I buy some?? Mo: No Homer: Can I buy some?? Mo: No Homer: Can I buy some?? Mo: No Sound of Louis clicking his gun at Mo’s head Mo: Oh. Alright, but not a word to anyone! Homer: Not even Police Chief Wiggum? Cut to Homer walking home, money stuffed everywhere and he’s counting a bundle. Homer: Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money... Homer hit by car, flies through air, goes through plate glass and falls on horrible looking spike in shop display – Shop Sign – One Day Only Torture Implements Sale!!. Ambulance comes, takes him to hospital. Recovery room. All the time he just says: Homer: Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money... Voice getting fainter. Dr Hibbert: What’s this man saying? Assistant: He's saying 'money, take my money'. Dr Hibbert: Well, help him recover, take it. Everyone grabs a hand-full and runs off. Peeping machine flat lines - peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Cardiologist: He's dead! [Peep Peep Peep] No he’s not. [peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee] He's dead! [Peep Peep Peep] No he’s not. [peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee] He's dead! [Peep Peep Peep] No he’s not. [peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee] He's dead! ( Outside the sun sets and an owl hoots.) [peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee] He's dead! [Peep Peep Peep] No he’s not. [peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee] He's dead! [Peep Peep Peep] Oh, for God’s sake will you die. ( Hits Homer hard on the chest) Homer: ( Sitting up) Oh, thank you – I feel much better. Dr Hibbert: Mr Simpson, you need to be careful. You’ve had a near death experience. Homer: Oh, is that what it was? It was horrible, evil looking goblins and trolls coming to get me. Dragging me into a dark black abyss. Ohhhhhhh! ( He shivers and cringes at the thought) Dr Hibbert looks up – see’s evil looking scene on ceiling Dr Hibbert: I told them that Gothic ceiling was a mistake. Cut to school cafeteria. Principal Skinner looking at ceiling of doom & apocalypse Skinner: What is it again? Painter: The Four Horsemen of Fox News Skinner: Oh, I get it now – that’s Rubert Murdoch! I don’t know, it’s very grim. Painter: It’s free. Skinner: We’ll keep it. Cut to group of terrified children looking at ceiling and cowering with a spreading yellow puddle underneath them. Skinner: Funny, they don’t usually respond to art unless it has yellow flesh and four fingers! Groundskeeper Willy: I'm nay cleaning tha floor agin ye dirty minging sassynach nach noos! Cut to hospital Police Chief Wiggum: Alright Simpson – the game’s up. This money you got here is all phoney ( Big ‘oh no’ & wailing from the corridor). I’m taking you in. ( Starts to push his bed out of the room pulling over IV bottles, cardiac monitors & other expensive looking equipment. Bed gets tangled in wires & is stuck). Oh, it’s like that is it? Resisting arrest? ( Draws gun points at ill Homer – hooked up to all the machines). Just try Simpson. I’ll shoot you for trying to escape. Or for just being a yellow-belly! Dr Hibbert: Are you insane? The man is close to death’s door. Police Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right! What do you know? It’s only multiple stab wounds – ( sticking finger in a open wound) ooh, that is deep, ugh sticky too. ( Homer moans weakly). OK – he stays but if he escapes I get all the free surgical masks I want! ( Puts one on) Ohh – look I’m Michael Jackson – where’s the kids?? Cut to Jail where homer is in a cell - still on the hospital bed hooked up to an IV bottle. A hobo is also inside with him. Hobo: (Pointing at IV bottle) You want that? Homer: YES!! Getaway. Marge arrives with the kids. She sits on a bench marked - "Reserved for Marge Simpson" Marge: So, here we are again. Homer: Hello Marge! Marge: You're in jail, my sisters are laughing at me again, the kids are ostracised in school again... Homer: ohhhh I'm sorry.... Bart: Oh, don't worry dad - that's nothing new. Marge: I can't shop coz we're banned from all the supermarkets - they think our money is fake. Only Apu's taking it but at a special rate - it cost £200 for a bottle of milk. And look at you... it's gone noon and you're still in bed! Hobo: (Pointing at IV bottle) You sure you want that? Homer: YES!! Oh, Marge, I don't feel well... Marge: And I can't get a lawyer for you because no one wants our money. I don't know what I'm going to do! Hobo grabs the IV bottle and tries to run away pulling Homer off the bed by his arm and they start to wrestle. Homer: GIVE ME THAT!! Arrgggg! Marge: Horsing around again - oh well I'll see you in Court. Hobo runs around the cell dragging Homer by the needle in his arm. Homer: Ow. Ow. Find me a Lawyer. Ow. Ow. A good one. Ow. Ow. Or a bad one. Ow. Ow. I don't care. Ow. Ow. Get one who can read. Ow. Ow. Lisa: Read? Read? I know who can defend dad. Cut to Newscast in front of the Courtroom Kent Brockman: We’re reporting live from the Courthouse where local imbecile, Homer Simpleton, is standing trial for peddling counterfeit money. And in an unusual twist he’ll be defended by his young daughter Lisa Simpleton. Lisa: No, it’s Lisa Simpson! Kent Brockman: Oh, you’re adopted. Lisa: No, you got my name wrong. Kent Brockman: OK, little girl no-one likes a smart-mouth. So do you think little itsy bitsy girl like you can defeat big bad district attorney and get daddyums free? Lisa: Don’t patronise me, small town fading TV link man! Bart: Way to go Lisa! Kent Brockman: How about a nice lolly? Lisa: Ha, how dare you treat me in such a condescending manner! ( pause) What flavour you got? Inside the Courtroom Slick Lawyer: I will prove to the court that this man is the mastermind behind a complex counterfeiting operation stretching across the country... Homer: What's a counterfeiter, honey? Lisa: Someone who makes fake money. Homer: Ohh - I am dangerous! Cut to Mo in the in the audience. Mo: Him a mastermind? He get's lost going to the john. Cut back to the Slick Lawyer. Slick Lawyer: Mr Smither, does the power plant assess it's employees annually? Mr Smithers: Well, you know we do - that's why you called me! Slick Lawyer: Alright alright - let's cut to the chase. When was Homer Simpson last assessed? Mr Smithers: We did an IQ test on him last October. Slick Lawyer: And would you tell the court what score he got! Mr Smithers: He got... Judge: No dramatic pauses - Get on with it! Mr Smithers: 100%. He got a 100%! Slick Lawyer: Which makes him a genius! Mr Smithers: Yes it does! Homer: I'm a genius and no one told me. Boo hoo! Slick Lawyer: A genius capable of running a nationwide counterfeiting operation. We present the exam paper as exhibit #1. Cut to Mo whispering to Homer Mo: Looking bad Homer - don't worry I'll look after Marge (sly sniggering/cackling) while you're inside. Homer: What about the kids? Mo: You got kids? Jees - don't ask fer much do ya?? Homer: Oh Mo it's no good - I've gotta tell the truth. Mo: Heh hee (Nervous laughter) eh Homer - if it were me - I'd say sure go ahead. But, you know Big Louis.. he ain't the ratting kind. Might spoil his mood you snitching onna him - heh heh - know what I mean... Homer: Ohhhhhh - I'm in soooo much trouble......help (weakly). Cut to Lisa approaching the witness stand. Lisa: Hello Mr Smithers. Mr Smithers: Hello little girl. Lisa: If my dad's a genius - why didn't he get promoted? Mr Smithers: What? Give him a better job? Are you crazy? Who'd trust that man with the company money! Cut to Bart closely examining the exam paper. Lisa: Did you hear that everyone? Did you? (Running up to Mrs Krabappel) Did you Mrs Krabappel? Mrs Krabappel: Yes I did Lisa. And remember to stand up straight when you're pleading in court. Judge: Of course they all heard - that's what they're here for. Stop being dramatic. Let's get on with it. Lisa: No more question.... Bart: ( Jumping up) Wait! I have a question! Judge: Stop Being Dramatic!! This is a law court - it is not supposed to be dramatic! You want drama - go to a theatre! What's your question little boy? Lisa: (Whispering) You sure about this Bart? Bart: Trust me Lisa - If there's one thing I know it's fluking exam papers. (Approaching jauntily) Mr Smithers this is a multiple-choice - isn't it? Mr Smithers: Yes it is. Bart: Then why are all the answers 'A'?? Mr Smithers: Uhm - that was Mr Burns's idea. He said - No one'd be stupid enough to pick A all the time. Bart: No one - except my dad. Ta da!! Judge: Alright move one - you've made your point. & stop being dramatic. Bart: And how long did it take my dad to do the paper? Mr Smithers: I can't remember. Bart: Can't or Kaan't? Judge: That's the same word isn't it? Bart: Hey - goes easy on me judge - I just learned to write joined up. Judge: Alright alright! Well Mr Smithers, can you or is it Kaan you remember? Mr Smithers: Hmm - yes I can. It wasn't very long at all. Bart: How long? Come on! Come on! Mr Smithers: Well, if I remember rightly, he didn't actually sit down - he sort of - just stood in the doorway and did it there. Bart: How long? Mr Smithers: About 5 minutes! Bart: 5 MINUTES! Mr Smithers: Yeah - his pencil broke! Bart: Broke? Or (Dramatic turning around to look at the jurors) break? Mr Smithers: What? What's the difference? Break. Broke. Judge: Yes - what is the difference little boy? Bart: You can 'break' a pencil but (More dramatic looking around) you can't 'broke' a pencil. Judge: I'm confused - what's the point? Bart: That's just it your honour - there is no point because (Even more dramatic looking around) the pencil broke? Or did it break? Which one was it Mr Smithers? Mr Smithers: I don't understand what your saying. What's the difference - break broke brook - who cares? Bart: You don't care what happens to your pencils?? (Shocked intake of breath) Is that what Mr Burns would say? No more questions your honour - the witness is confused. Lisa : Wow Bart - that was really good. Court Bailiff: Call Police Chief Wiggum. Cut to Homer & Mo Mo: (Whispering) Hang on Homer - I's got me an idea how we can get you offa here. You got any of that funny money? Homer: I was saving it for the slap-up meal after I get off. It's only $5,000 - hardly anything. Mo: Come on hand it over. Homer: What? Even the beer money - I can sneak it past Mo - he's such a jerk with that ugly....(Slow realisation - that something is wrong) Oh, hypoduffereamia - I feel faint - I need beer (Does a very obvious fake faint - then after a long pause, sneaks open one eye to have a look and sees Mo still looking at him) Oh! Mo: Cut that out - & gimme de money! Cut to the back row where Police Chief Wiggum is sitting quietly - picking his nose. Calling get's louder. He looks around. Police Chief Wiggum: Come on Wiggum get your lard ass in gear - where are you?? (Sudden realisation) Oh that's me. Ha ha - that's a funny on me. (He jumps up and starts running to the front.) Hang on hang on - I'm here. (Mo stands up and trips him) Hey!! Mo: Oh, I'm so sorry, here let me help you (Lifts his wallet) There you go. (Chief walks on) Hang on - is this your wallet with all this money? Police Chief Wiggum: Yeah, wow - that's a lot. Heh heh - it's Ralph's dinner money (Disbelieving look from Mo) He eats big. Slick Lawyer: Police Chief Wiggum! What do you know about the felon? Lisa: Objection! Alleged felon! Judge: Oh, that's a good one. She's right - alleged for now - come on keep it clean. Slick Lawyer: Chief Wiggum - what do you have to say about Homer Simpson? Police Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah he's the one - he done it - he's bad he's bad - smack the bitch I say - burn him - he's just a low down red-neck stiffo waiting for a jail term - [Jumping on the chair and dancing & singing] you my whore - you my whore - get down bitch.. Cut to court bailiff’s joining in. You're his whore you're his whore - yes you are! (They very obviously turn around and wiggle their bottom's at the jury.) Get down bitch - you know you want to. Judge: Alright alright cut that out - it's a good song but not now. Any questions little whore-kid? Lisa: Hey! That's out of order! Judge: Get on with it - he's soooo guilty - I can already see him bending over in the shower. Whole court goes 'Ugghhhh!'. Mo quickly whispers to Lisa Lisa: OK - I'll get on with it. Police Chief Wiggum - or should I say criminal Mastermind? Police Chief Wiggum: (Looking at Police badge in lapel) No, uh, Police Chief Wiggum is good. Lisa: So....Homer's the criminal eh? Homer:[B] Lisa - don't you dare use my first name - I'm your father & you will respect me! You do that again and I'll murder you. Whole court goes 'Ugghhhh!'. [B]Homer:[B] Murder? Burder! BURDER! I'll burder you! [B]Judge: Burder? Burder? What the hell does that mean? Homer:[B] Ohhhhh I don't know - I'm so confused..... [B]Judge: Hmmmmm! Cut to Bart leaning on a chair and looking at Mr Smithers. Bart: Still think he's a genius?? Cut to Lisa Lisa: Sorry dad. So Police Chief Wiggum with my dad locked up there shouldn't be anymore counterfeit money? Is that right? Police Chief Wiggum: Yep - that's right little girl - all the funny money's off the streets. Lisa: Really? So would you mind opening your wallet for me. [He opens it & takes out his money] Would you mind holding it up & checking it? Police Chief Wiggum: Hey - it's some of that funny money? How did that get there? Cut to Mo & Homer sniggering. Cut back to Lisa Lisa: Soooooo......what does that mean? Police Chief Wiggum: Uhm - you got me there little girl - you're gonna have to explain it to me. Lisa: It means the person who's making the fake money & passing it out is "STILL OUT THERE"! Police Chief Wiggum: It does? You sure about this? What about an evil twin, eh? You ain't thougth of that? Or a transporter device! Eh, didn't think of that. Or a tear in the fabric of time and space! Hah! There you go - his evil twin is going back in time to hand out funny money! Judge: Oh stop that - get that idiot off the stand - Police Chief Wiggum being dragged away Or what about Marge doing it? Eh?? Or the kids? Yeah the kids, that's it. Take 'em in Lou.. Judge: OK - considering the counterfeiter is still out there I'm throwing out the charges. You're free to go Mr Simpson! Homer: Wooohoooey! Yes!!! Free again!! Oh, Marge don't worry - I've learn't my lesson - never count phoney money when you're crossing against the traffic! OK everybody - Oz here again - hope you likey likey it - must go now - byee byee |