March 2005

Week 11

I couldn't believe what he was telling me. "What the hell do you mean Satanic Trance? She's dead. We sodding well buried here!!"

"Well that's a good start - it'd be a real tutti[shitty] deal if you'd cremated her!"

"But she can't be in a trance - the doctors checked everything - I saw her - she was dead. Don't piss around with me."

"COLIN CHUPP!![QUIET!] How many dead bodied have you seen before her?" He had a point. "Hmm - thought so - none. How many many have you seen in a Satanic Trance?" I didn't answer him & he carried on "None! Yaar - we're dealing with things outside your normal medicine."

I was quiet - I was thinking. Was he giving me false hope? But what was in it for him? What could he possibly hope to gain. I must've been very tired because I thought I heard scratching underneath the car. Best not to say anything in case they thought I was a bigger looney than even them. I wasn't a believer yet - I had to find out. "You said she could be in a trance. Why aren't you sure?"

"He loves to torture - imagine burying someone alive or cremating them while they're in a trance. You see, then you're responsible for the death not Him. It's a little loophole he likes to exploit."

"What now then?"

Oz dived in to try and explain - damn! I could still hear that scratching. "Coliny Coliny - only specially specially peoply weaply can wakey wakey from trancy trancy."

I was confused - "Specially specially?"

The Taxi-driver was even more confused - "Peoply weoply??"

"If pretty pretty Kelly no do pokey pokey - then okey okey!"

I was still confused - "Pokey pokey??"

The Taxi-driver had had enough - "Oh, Kothe Dha Yaar[Friend of a horse] - what the Soor Dha Bucha[Son of a pig] is trying to say is - was she a virgin when she died?"

I was shocked in to silence. "Come on come on Yaar - did you do it with her? Was she kuchi kawari[raw virgin] or not?"

"What?"

"Did you do it with her?"

Oz helpfully explain - "You pokey pokey pretty pretty Kelly??"

"NO!! I didn't. She was 13 for God's sake!"

"Are you sure?"

"YES!! I'm sure I'd remember if I'd ever had my willy out with her! God some people - your worse than her dad!"

"That's good - it means she can be revived."! He was thinking. "And you - are you a virgin too?"

I'd had enough - "Mind your own sodding business! Why do you need to know anyway?"

He turned & smiled then - "Just being nosey - haha! Cheer up things are looking up. All we have to do is.."

Then Oz started making scared noises - it takes a lot to scare Oz but obviously something was winding him up.

The Taxi-driver turned round and faced Oz "OK Kotha[Donkey] what is it??" But Oz could only point through the window. I looked hard and tried to focus - then horror of horrors - I saw the creature crawling onto the hood and coming towards us. The same creature the Taxi-driver thought he'd run over, obviously he hadn't, it'd hung on to the underside like some mini-Indian Jones. That was the scratching I was hearing!

"Tutti Tutti[shit shit] big bloody tutti! I thought I'd hit him - must've been the kerb - hang on".

With that he started swerving the car side to side trying to shake it off, he kept going into the oncoming traffic and all the other drivers were going looney sounding their horns and flashing their lights.

"I can't shake it - Oz get him out of here & get the girl. Hang on!" We narrowly missed a speed camera.

"On the bend - when I slow, jump out."

Jump! I couldn't believe him - jump out of a moving car. "No - I'm not doing it."

"Oh, beta[son] - we haven't got time for th...." He was interrupted by the sound of the creature clawing the front windscreen. He whipped round - "JUST DO IT!".

He slowed for the bend and whilst I was still deciding Oz grabbed me and jumped out of the car. Luckily I landed on top of Oz but I still managed to bang my chin on the pavement. My head started ringing & I lost my bearings for a moment.

I got up just in time to see the taxi narrowly miss some bystanders as it roared towards Hanley.

"Coliny Okey Okey?"

Oz was woried about me - I must've looked in a right state. "It's alright Oz - I'm alright. It's just, a lot to take in one go."

Oz nodded his head in agreement and then he patted my head - "Be ok Coliny - not worry, be ok".

And that was the most sensible sentence I'd ever heard out of him. And then he was back to his old ways.

"Come on Coliny Coliny - got to diggy uppy diggy uppy pretty pretty Kelly Kelly!".

We started to make our way back towards Trentham and the dawning realisation I was going to the cemetery to dig up my poor darling Kelly.

We stopped off on the way at my place. Mum & Mr Morris Morris were still sleeping, so I left Oz outside whilst I sneaked back to my bedroom. I wanted to change my clothes for something more appropriate for grave-robbing. I came out and Oz had managed to get into our shed and grabbed two spades. We started walking towards the cemetery.

Both of us were quiet. The enormity of what we were about to do was starting to weigh down on me.

"Oz."

"Hmm."

"You ever done this before? You know like, woken up someone from a trance?"

He was quiet for a moment and then he pulled a face and shook his head.

"No? Why not?"

He half-smiled "Nevery nevery findy findy virginy virginy."

"What? Never?" He nodded. "But you've seen it done?" More head-shaking. This was getting worrying. "Yes - but you know of someone who's done it..." Head-shake. "...or met someone who was in a trance..." Head-shake. "...met someone who met someone who'd been in a trance..." Same again. "......read about it?....."

"Hah! Can't read!"

I stopped walking. "Oz - this is going to work? Isn't it?"

"Give it a go-go go!"

Oh bugger, I started to shake then, a panic attack, which I'd held off by sheer will-power, was now starting to creep up on me. But I wouldn't let it. Because if any of it was true - if it could be done - if it could by some miracle just work - then.

Then my sweet sweet Kelly would be back with me.

That thought gave me hope and I started to half-walk half-run towards the cemetery.

I had to know.

It was quiet in the cemetery - it was still dark but I didn't feel scared. No animal noises, no passing traffic - quiet.

We got to Kelly's grave and my resolve nearly cracked when I saw it. Oh, miserable wretched earth that held my Kelly prisoner.

Oh sweet long-suffering readers, pity your poor poor narrator, to witness the tragic grave of his lost-love. The temporary marker, the half-wilted flowers and the uneven mound of dirt - what a spiteful fate that punished me so cruelly.

Oz removed the flowers to one-side. I stopped him. "Do you know what to do?"

Even he started to look a little scared - a little unsure. He nodded his head.

I stood over the mound - whispered a silent prayer 'Forgive me God if I'm wrong' - and jammed the spade into the soft soil. I took a lump and threw it to the side.

"Come on Oz - let's get it done." We dug quietly for a while and then there was a crack of thunder and the sound of distant rain.

It started raining after awhile but we kept digging; I took off my gloves as they'd became slippery with all the mud. We kept digging at a good pace and after half an hour we were a good 3 foot into the ground. There was a crack of lightening but Oz just started laughing - "Good night for grave robbery wobbery!!" He went off to have a piss - didn't think it was respectable to pee in a graveyard. I kept digging while he was away but it was a lot slower without him. Then I heard him coming back, but he was making a lot of noise - "Shhh!! Oz - be quiet!". But I was wrong - it wasn't Oz - it was the Police.

I was torn, did I run away or did I try to explain to them what I was doing? Then my courage failed me and I legged it. I cursed myself for not being more strong-willed - I suppose it would come with time.

I crept around the side keeping low and half-hidden in the hedges. I could hear the Police talking on their radios, I had to find Oz, but he was nowhere. Had he been already arrested? No, from the sounds the Police were making they hadn't got anyone.

I started to shiver. I was soaked through, covered in mud and the adrenaline rush of digging up your dead bird was wearing off. Time to go home. I went to put my gloves on and then I realised with a start - I'd left them behind. Sheeeeeeeeeet!! Big smelly pooohs! Not only did they have my name inside them but - thanks to Mr Morris Morris's bright idea - they had my postcode as well.

I was too wet and dirty to give a toss now and just went home to wait for them.

I'm typing this in my room now waiting for the Police - I'm sure even Stoke Police can work out what 'Colin Thurson - ST4 8BX' means.

I can hear a car pulling up. Hang on a mo. It's them!

Well, looks like I'm going to be off-line for sometime, I'll try to keep in touch but I can't promise anything.

There's the doorbell.